Before someone can overcome a problem, first they need to admit there is a problem.  With the Holy Spirit helping Christian married couples live together, one would think the divorce rate of Christians would be much lower than that of non-Christians.

And yet statistics indicate Christian divorce rates are higher than non-Christian divorce rates.   Are these high Christian divorce rates related to porn and arguments between husbands and wives and other sexual issues within Christian marriages?

Recently I was listening to Dr. Dobson interview Dr. Gary Smalley on the radio.  Dr. Dobson asked Dr. Smalley how Christian marriages are doing.  Dr. Smalley said that Christian married couples are doing well except that in the area of sex they are "frozen". 

Why are divorce rates so high in Christian marriages?  Why have I heard Pastors say that 80 percent of Christian men struggle with looking at porn?  Why have I heard that in Christian America, 75 percent of all books sold are romance novels?  Why did I hear a Christian marriage seminar speaker say that 75 percent of married Christian men masturbate regularly in secret?  Why did I hear a Christian marriage seminar speaker say that all  Christian married men have skeletons in their closets and that the men should not tell their wives about the skeletons because they can't handle it.  Why did I hear the  Christian Psychologist Harold Sala once say on his radio show "Guidelines For Living" that he wished Christian leaders would recognize that we are sexual creatures?  Why would Dr. Gary Smalley refer to Christian marriages as "frozen" in the area of sex?

God wants Christian leaders to provide practical solutions to marriage sexual problems. Matthew 7:9-10, teaches, “Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?”

God wants to reduce Christian divorce rates.  God wants Christian marriages to have happy vibrant romance and sex lives. 

The key to life is a belief that God rewards and blesses those who seek Him.  Hebrews 11:6 says, "But without faith no one can please God. We must believe that God is real and that he rewards everyone who searches for him." (CEV) 

We suggest married couples practice love and humility and a relationship with God in their marriage. There is no substitute for a good relationship with God through Jesus Christ.  And there are so many things to learn about marriage and how to communicate with your spouse.  There are many good Christian books on marriage and we suggest married couples read them. 

One problem in Christian marriages is that sometimes, husbands and wives do not agree on what is permissible in marriage in the area of sexual matters.  It is very important that husbands and wives agree on as many things as possible.  Amos 3:3 says, "Can two walk together, except they be agreed?”  Reading the writings at www.MarriageRomance.com can help Christian married couples know what God through the Bible permits in marriage and also help married couples know what other married couples do.

What is permissible in the bedroom with regard to sexual matters?  There are several Biblical principles that we should consider. 

In 1 Corinthians 7 verses 3 and 4, Paul also says that, "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband.  In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife."  Because the husband and wife both share the responsibility and control of each other's body it is very important that they both agree on the things they do together.

If a husband and wife do not agree on something, then they should search the Bible to see if God condemns doing it.  If the Bible does not clearly condemn what the one spouse wants to do, and it is legal and not harmful to anyone, then the other spouse, out of love, should be willing to try what is "permissible" and see if it is "profitable" for their marriage.

We believe God has a powerful solution in the Bible for Christian marriage sex problems.  This powerful solution for marriage sex problems is made possible because of one human phenomena.  The phenomena is that, "an individual tends to take on or feel or experience the emotions of people around him or her". 

This natural human phenomena of taking on the emotions of others is encouraged in the Bible where Paul says in Romans 12:15, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."  

When we feel the emotions of others this shows we care about them.  The more we care about someone the more we share their emotions.  Consequently a movie director spends much time and money developing the characters in a movie so that the audience begins to identify and care about the people in the story.  And by the end of the movie, if the director is successful, the audience shares the emotions of the characters in the story. 

We can better understand this human phenomena if we examine our own emotions.  Fear is an emotion.  Anger is an emotion.  Joy or happiness is an emotion. Sexual desire or sexual arousal and hunger can also be considered emotions because we can not control them.  Emotions are not sin.  God does not condemn people for having emotions. 

Have you ever watched a movie with danger and experienced fear? If you watch a scary movie like "The Fugitive" you may sweat and experience fear. Or have you ever watched a movie where someone was mistreated? You may have experienced anger.  Or have you ever watched a touching movie like, "The Sound Of Music" and experienced an increase in your emotion of "joy" and happiness?   Or have you ever watched someone eating a delicious meal and experienced an increase in your emotion of hunger?

In a similar way, when we watch a movie or read a story with "sexual activity" we tend to experience an increase in our emotion of passion or "sexual desire". 

Interestingly God does not condemn us for "taking on" the emotions or experiencing an increase in "sexual desire" (becoming sexually aroused) when reading about or seeing sexual activity.  Like fear and anger this is a natural phenomena which is not sin and is not condemned by God. 

If we read Song of Solomon in the Bible we discover that God does not condemn the sharing of sexual experiences.  On the contrary the authors of Song Of Solomon share their sexual relationship with others.  So much so, that the authors of Song Of Solomon not only share their descriptions of each other's bodies and intimate love experiences with us who read the book, but also the book itself is a dialog between the two lovers who share their descriptions of each other's bodies and of their lovemaking experiences with their friends who respond to them with praise and with intimate comments and questions. 

For example in Song Of Solomon chapter 1 verse 4 when the young woman says she is being taken into the bedroom of the king, the friends say in chapter 1 verse 4b, "We rejoice and delight in you; we will praise your love more than wine."  How many of us would tell our friends as they walk into the bedroom to make love, that we delight in your sexual love for each other?  

Or how many of us would ask our friends "What makes your husband a better lover as compared to other men?"  In Song of Solomon chapter 5 verse 9 the friends ask this question when they say, "How is your beloved better than others, most beautiful of women?  How is your beloved better than others, that you charge us so?"   In the verses to follow the young woman describes her lover's body.

When we read Song Of Solomon there is no question that it contains descriptions of nudity and sexual activity.  Bible scholars tell us that the original Hebrew text was far more erotic as compared to our English translation. Much of the meaning of the sexual terms used in the book has been lost, as the Hebrew language has changed over the past thousands of years since it was written.  However this example in the Bible shows that God does not condemn us when we share our romance and sexual experiences with others, and in fact God condones it enough to put a sample in the Bible.

MarriageRomance.com is a web site where Christian married couples share marriage romance and love stories and experiences.  We have found that reading stories helps the wife more than the husband. Women seem to have more vivid imaginations, where men need more visual help to become aroused. 

Sometimes it is the husband who needs the most help in becoming aroused. For example men with erectile dysfunction (ED) find it difficult to perform at times. 

Years ago a Christian wife contacted us and explained her husband had ED and, following professional advice, they watch erotic videos with nudity to help him become aroused.  She asked us whether we thought this was sinful.  We explained to her, that we believe married couples should feel the freedom in Christ to use the most effective moral resources available to add passion to their marriages.

But what about introducing moral videos with nudity and sex scenes into the marriage bed? Doesn't this cause "lust" which is a sin?  Some have incorrectly referred to the emotion of "sexual desire" as "lust". The correct meaning of the word "lust" as it appears in some translations of Matthew 5:28, is "to covet".  Coveting is not an emotion; it is an act of the will.  Coveting is wanting something, that is not yours, so much that it interferes with your relationship with others and with God. 

When a husband and wife watch a moral erotic video and they become sexually aroused this is not "lust" in the sense of "coveting".  Instead the couple is experiencing an increase in their emotion of passion or "sexual desire" and when they direct their passion to each other this helps them have a more fulfilled sex life and stronger bonds of intimacy.

In the Bible there is only one recorded situation of public sex.  This took place when God punished King David for committing adultery and murder.  In 2 Samuel 12 verse 11b, God said, "Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will lie with your wives in broad daylight."  Later we discover Absalom has sex with his father's wives and concubines in public. 

While this was a tragic event, we can all agree that it was not sin to see Absalom having sex with David's wives and concubines.  God caused the people to watch and the Bible teaches that God does not tempt people to sin (James 1:13) . 

Just as God in 2 Samuel 12: 11b-12, used a public display of immoral sex as a way to embarrass and punish King David, we believe God can be honored when married couples use a private display of moral sex on video to help their love life.  As long as the married couple uses the moral erotic videos in moderation and as long as the videos do not cause one of the spouses to covet sex outside of marriage, then the married couple may decide videos are helpful in their marriage.

So now lets discuss other problems in Christian marriages that can be helped once a Christian married couple realizes they can use moral erotic materials in the marriage to help their love life.

A problem in many Christian marriages is that husbands are tempted to look at porn in secret and wives are tempted to watch soap operas and TV and read romance novels.  We believe Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians 7, verses 3-5 that the husband and wife should save all their sexual energy for each other unless one spouse desires the other to do otherwise, for the sake of the marriage relationship.  And of course the other spouse needs to agree.

And so the Biblical solution to "solo" sexual activity, such as looking at porn and reading romance novels; is for the husband and wife to both commit to each other, to save all their sexual energy for each other.  This would mean the husband would not look at porn and the wife would not watch soap operas and read romance novels. 

Many anger problems in marriages are related to guilt.  Others are related to not being able to agree on things. If a husband and wife are both willing to save their sexual energy for each other, knowing they will be having a fun time together, this will give them both a clear conscience and will help them not be angry with each other. 

And then instead of the husband and wife each doing their own thing, the husband and wife would find fun romantic and sexually exciting things to do together.  For example, they could read stories from MarriageRomance.com together or write their own stories to submit to MarriageRomance.com or they can watch moral erotic videos together.  We believe that if husbands could look forward to watching a video with their wife on Friday night, that they would have self-control during the week to not look at porn.

How Can We Overcome Addiction?

Are you addicted to porn?  Are you addicted to romance novels?  To overcome an addiction first you should have a sincere love for your spouse.  You should really care about your marriage and you should really want to have the best marriage you can have.  Do you really want a good marriage?  Great ... next you need to decide that the sexual part of your life is not just yours, it also belongs to your spouse.  In the Bible Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians 7 verses 3 and 4 that when it comes to sexual issues you and your spouse should together decide what is best for your marriage.  You should both be willing to compromise for the needs and desires of each other.

Next, do you remember the old adage, "moderation in everything"?  "Moderation in everything" is the key.  Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:12, "Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me" — but I will not be mastered by anything."  People with addictions simply need a change of perspective.  There is no need to go off the deep end and forbid something that is permissible.  Freedom allows growth.  If your spouse and you agree that something is ok in moderation, this gives you freedom. 

Sit down with your wife and talk about your sexual desires and needs and see if you can both agree on activities that will satisfy your needs and desires.  Do you have a strong desire to look at porn?  What if you and your wife looked at it together in bed one night a week?  Or maybe you and your wife could watch an erotic video once a week together in bed.

Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit of God.  The Bible says "fear is the beginning of wisdom" and in another place it says "perfect love casts out fear".  Self control is doing the right thing, not out of fear or obligation, but out of love for God and love for others. 

What is the opposite of freedom?  Self-imposed laws which are a form of legalism or "the law", are the opposite of freedom.  When we put ourselves under our own set of laws, we form a new system of "the law".  Paul says in  Galatians 5 verse 1, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

In the following verses Paul says he is under Christ's law which I believe he is referring to "loving God with all your heart and your neighbor as yourself" (Luke 10:26-28).  In the following verses Paul points out that it is ok to keep people's laws in order to win them to Christ.  Paul says he, "became like one under the law" in order to win the Jews to Christ.  Then he goes on to say he became like the "weak" in order to win the weak.  Paul says he became all things to all men in order to win them to Christ.  It is fairly clear from these verses that as Christians God gives us lots of flexibility in how we live our life, as long as we are living it to build God's Kingdom. 

Let's read the verses.  1 Corinthians 9:20-22 says, "20 To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. 21 To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. 22 To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some."

In the verses above we see that Paul is on a mission from God to "win" people to Christ.  The secret here is that God wants us to be so on fire for Him that we just do the right things out of mercy and love, not out of obligation and sacrifice. Sure, God has a certain moral set of rules He expects everyone to keep.  They are all listed in the Bible.  We are not talking about breaking those rules.  We are talking about freedom to live within those moral laws.  For example can we have a drink of alcohol to relax?  Can we watch an erotic video with our spouse to help us get aroused?  Sure we can.  As long as we are living our life with the goal of wanting to build God's Kingdom.  Jesus says He wants us to love others and show mercy to others. 

See, most rules God wants us to keep are already universally accepted truths.  For example don't murder, don't steal, don't lie to hurt others.  But what about homosexuality and bestiality and prostitution?  Well since God condemns the sin, we should tell people what God says. 

The freedom we have in Christ is beyond the things condemned in the Bible.  If God condemns something then we should condemn it.  But if God does not condemn something in the Bible, then we shouldn't go around condemning others who do it.  Sure we can have personal convictions and not do something our self.  But the minute we make a rule about it for even our self, we are in danger of making our own legal system, because we will be tempted to get our feeling of holiness and approval from keeping our rules; instead of from showing love and mercy to others.  And we will tend to condemn others who do not keep our set of rules.

Jesus explains this concept in Matthew 12:7 when He says, "If you had known what these words mean, 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice,' you would not have condemned the innocent."  Jesus is saying that the way we can please God, the way we can be holy, is not by following a set of rules, (which Jesus refers to as "sacrifice") but rather by showing people love and mercy.  When we live our life with freedom to do what is permissible within God's moral laws and make further moral decisions based on doing what works best to help us be merciful and loving to our spouse, our family and to others - if we live this way instead of living by a set of self-imposed rules; Jesus said, then will we not go around condemning "the innocent" who do not keep our set of self-imposed rules.

Jesus felt so strongly about this concept of love and mercy that when one expert in the law asked Jesus what he should do to get to heaven, Jesus agreed that all you need to do is, "Love God and love others".  Let's read the verses.  Luke 10 verses 25 to 28 says, "25 On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?" 26 "What is written in the Law?" he replied. "How do you read it?" 27 He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" 28 "You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live."

So what is an addiction?  An addiction is when you repeatedly spend too much time or money on yourself.

We as humans have needs.  We need to eat.  When married we need sex to keep strong marriage bonds.  We need shelter.  We need to relax at times.  Meeting our needs and desires in moderation can help us be better servants for Christ. 

Lets look at two verses.  1 John 2:16 says, "For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. "  This verse 1 John 2:16, teaches that mankind has three basic weaknesses.  We have the "lusts of the flesh" such as craving for food and sex, the "lusts of the eyes" such as the craving to have things like new clothes, fancy homes and new cars, and we have the "pride of life", such as the desire to be successful and have prestige in the community. 

So are all these things inherently sinful?  No, God expects us to eat, God expects us to have a home, God expects us to have a good reputation in the community.  It is only when we are "addicted" to these things that they become sinful.   The verse before helps explain.  1 John 2:15 says, "Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him." 

So the key is to not love all these things of the world.  God doesn't want us addicted to the "lusts of the flesh", the "lust of the eyes" and "the pride of life".  When we spend too much time or money on these things, our involvement goes from necessity to addiction.  For example, we all need to eat.  But if we spend too much time eating, food goes from being a necessity to being an addiction.

Spending too much of our time and money on selfish things that satisfy our flesh, our ego or our prestige in life, these can be forms of addiction - they become what we live for - our gods.  

So how do we know if we are doing something or buying something for the wrong reason? 

Remember, "moderation in everything"?  That is a good start on not loving the world and the things in the world. 

We all need food and married couples need sex.  We all need a home to live in and we need transportation.  So how do we not - "love the world and the things of the world"?  The answer is simple. We don't get addicted to anything - not golf, not porn, not TV, not hunting, not a fancy home, not a fancy car, not the American dream, not anything.  We live a balanced life, spending time with our family, spending time showing love and mercy and compassion to others, spending time making money to pay bills and to have money to help others, and using our money wisely so we have money to help others. 

1 Corinthians 10 verse 31 says, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."  That is the key to not being selfish.  Be busy serving your family and showing mercy to others and you won't have much time to be selfish.  Sure you need a little time to relax.  But do it with your spouse and with your family.  Everything we do is for a reason.  Either it is a selfish reason or it is to serve Christ and others.  We should either be serving others (our family and showing compassion to others and telling others about Jesus) or we should be doing what we do to enable us to better serve others.   This is the law Paul lived under - to "love God with all his heart and his neighbor as himself."

So don't be addicted to anything, and instead, with "moderation in everything", live a purpose driven life.

One problem in some marriages can be referred to as "sex synchronization".  This is when one spouse  (typically the husband) wants sex more often than the other spouse.  Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians 7 3-5 that it is important for a husband and wife to fulfill each others sexual desires. 

In 1 Corinthians 7 verse 5, Paul says, “Do not deprive each other (of sex) except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

Paul teaches a married couple should "not deprive each other" of sex.  So it is important for married couples to meet each others sexual needs and desires. Notice Paul warns that if a married person does not fulfill the sexual needs of their spouse, the spouse will be tempted to find other ways to meet their sexual needs.

How often should a married couple have sex?  From my own experience and from what I once heard Dr. Harold Sala say on his radio show "Guidelines For Living", the husband needs sex at least once every three days.  Beyond three days the male testosterone hormone level may rise and cause the husband to be irritable or feel insecure or argumentative or depressed or susceptible to being easily turned on by other women.

What do you do when your spouse wants sex and you are not in the mood?  What do you do when this goes on for several days?

When a couple needs to be intimate and yet one spouse is not in the mood, we suggest husbands first take out the trash and help put the kids to bed. :)  Just kidding ... but seriously, make sure your non-sexual relationship is healthy.  So often, sometimes unknowningly, couples use sex as a weapon to punish each other.  So sit down and have conversations and make sure you are meeting each others expectations outside the bedroom. The husband and wife should remember that it is unfair to consciously or unconsciously withhold sex as a form of punishment.  Paul teaches this clearly in 1 Corinthians 7.

Then we suggest the husband and wife find ways to help each other get in the mood or become aroused.  They might read together some love stories from MarriageRomance.com or listen to them together. 

Another problem in marriages is that as married couples get older many times it becomes more difficult for them to become sexually excited and turned on.  There is no drug available that can create the emotions necessary for sexual arousal.  Drugs like Viagra simply relax the muscle that keeps blood from filling up the male organ.  But the drugs do not cause the man to become sexual excited.  So the couple relies on friction for orgasm which can cause soreness especially in older women. 

Again a simple solution is for the husband and wife to read a few stories together.  These will cause both the husband and wife to naturally become sexually excited without drugs.

Martin Luther was a German monk who noticed the Bible allowed monks to marry even though the Catholic church forbid monks to marry. Martin Luther noticed that because monks were forbidden from marrying this caused many of them to seek sexual gratification in other places which were immoral by the standards in the Bible. 

In 1546, Luther nailed a copy of his "95 Theses" or complaints against the Catholic church to the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg. (church doors acted as bulletin boards).  One of Martin Luther's "95 Theses" or complaints was that monks or priests should be able to marry.  This event sparked the Protestant Reformation.  Martin Luther's observation that priests should be able to marry is the reason why Protestant Pastors can marry today.

In a similar way we have noticed that even though the Bible does not condemn married couples from using moral erotic media in their marriages, many Christian leaders today have forbidden married couples from using moral erotic materials in their marriages.  And since the Church leaders teach that it is sin to use moral erotic materials in marriage, this many times pits husbands and wives against each other and causes many arguments in the marriage.  And once they disagree on what is permissible in the bedroom, this causes the husbands and wives to pursue their own secret sexual outlets.  For example the husband may look at porn and the wife may read romance novels and watch soap operas.

We believe if Christian leaders will be honest about what the Bible teaches and allow married couples to use moral erotic materials in their marriages, this will stop lots of arguing within marriages and give Christian married couples the resources they need to keep their sexual passions for each other strong.

The apostle Paul warned against Christian leaders who would add rules to those that God has given us in the Bible.  In 1 Timothy 4 verses 1 to 5, Paul says, "1 The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons. 2 Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron. 3 They forbid people to marry and order them to abstain from certain foods, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth. 4 For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, 5 because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer."

And Jesus also warned against religious leaders who add to the rules in the Bible and burden people down with rules they can not keep themselves.  Matthew 23 verse 4 says, "They crush people with unbearable religious demands and never lift a finger to ease the burden." (NLT)

And then Jesus implies that all the man-made rules turn people into "sons of hell" when Jesus says in Matthew 23 verse 15, "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as you are."

We don't want to be like the Pharisees and teachers of the law that Jesus talks about.  We don't want to burden people down with rules that God does not have in the Bible.  Why?  Because man-made rules tend to destroy other more important areas that God cares about.  Take for instance the Jewish custom of "Corban".  In Mark 7 verse 11 Jesus condemns the man-made rule of Corban because it indirectly caused people to not take care of their elderly parents.

In our case today, the man-made law of forbidding married couples to use moral erotic materials in their marriages causes married couples to argue and do secret sexual sins and ultimately many times causes divorces.  Many times after divorce these same persons lose their belief in God. 

And think of the children who many times are emotionally devastated and many times turn away from God because of the divorce of their parents.  Jesus said in Matthew 18 verse 6 says, "But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea."  So those who preach man-made laws that end up causing divorces are in serious trouble with God.

Man-made rules make it difficult for people to get saved because people think they will have to live by the rules in order to get saved.  God does not want to make it difficult for people to get saved.  This is why Jesus said in Matthew 11 verses 28 to 30, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." 

And the elders and Paul did not want to make it difficult for people to get saved either, and so they said in Acts chapter 15 verses 19 and 20, "It is my judgment, therefore, that we should not make it difficult for the Gentiles who are turning to God. Instead we should write to them, telling them to abstain from food polluted by idols, from sexual immorality, from the meat of strangled animals and from blood."

In Romans chapter 2 verses 1-4 Paul condemns those who judge others.  In the middle of condemning those who judge others, Paul makes a profound statement in Romans 2 verse 4 when he says, "Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?"

This verse holds the secret to how God changes the lives of people and why we as Christians should not interfere with God's process. Paul is saying that when we judge others, we "show contempt" to God. When we judge others we short-circuit God's plan for changing people. Paul says that God's plan for changing people is that God shows them kindness and tolerance and patience. Paul says God's patience and kindness and tolerance leads people to repentance.

We don't want to be the reason people don't get saved.  When we judge people for things God does not judge them for, we may be keeping them from becoming Christians.