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Communicating with your husband Gods way

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Title: "Communicating with your husband Gods way"  Author: Unknown Created On: 3/1/2007

Couple in bed looking at a notebook computer screenBy Martha Matthews

A marriage can only be as good as the communication between the husband and wife.

Good communication is vital to a healthy marriage. As wives, we desire to have a close relationship with our husband, but, unfortunately, we can sabotage it by what we say and how we say it. In this month's article, we will discuss the most common mistakes that women make in their communication and examples of how to implement godly communication.

Communication breakers:

1. Defensiveness

Defensiveness seems to be the hardest thing for a woman to see in herself. It comes from an attitude that says "My way is the best way." We don't listen to what our husband has to say. Instead, we formulate our response while he is speaking. When he is finished, we defend our position instead of taking to heart what he has said. This type of behavior exposes our pride and arrogance. Proverbs 18:2 says "A fool finds no pleasure understanding but delights in airing his own opinions."

2. Beating around the bush

Hint, hint, hint. "He should know how he hurt me. It's obvious!" We expect our mate to figure out what it is that has us upset instead of being venerable and sharing how we are hurt. This type of behavior is a form of control and manipulation born out of our attempt to protect ourselves from being hurt further. "He doesn't care about me!" We therefore feel justified in making him miserable as we play this guessing game to make him prove he really does care. Ephesians 4:15 says, "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ." We will become more mature and be closer with our spouse if we practice speaking the truth in love.

3. Complaining.

There are so many ways that this behavior manifests itself. The two that seem to be the most popular are a critical attitude and nagging. The critical woman is always critiquing what her husband does. She is never satisfied. The nagging wife thinks that the only way to get her husband to do what she wants is to badger him until he does it. Both women are never happy with what their husband does or says. It makes them wonder why they married their husbands in the first place. There are the cutting remarks, the sarcasm, the mockery, the name calling and in some cases cursing. When confronted, the offense is neatly presented as "I'm just expressing how I feel." The woman with a complaining spirit will eventually find that she has pushed her husband away; possibly into the arms of another woman. Philippians 2: 14-15 says, "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe". Proverbs 21:9 says, "Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife". Proverbs 12: 18-19 says, "Reckless words pierce like an arrow, but the tongue of the wise brings healing".

4. Stuffing

He says something that hurts your feelings and then, because he's done the same thing a thousand times before, without any regard for how it makes you feel, you decide to give up and harden your heart. "He doesn't care so why should I even bother talking to him about it". We bury the hurt and it festers inside us. Eventually it has to come out and when it does, look out. Mount Vesuvius has nothing on you! "In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold". Ephesians 4: 26-27.

5. Lying

If you want a close relationship with your husband it has to be built on the foundation of truth. Even the small lie that we tell to cover up our inadequacies causes a rift in our marriage. Whether it is a big lie or a little lie, when the lie is discovered; it leaves our husbands wondering who we really are. It hurts deeply when your spouse is not truthful with you. Lying erodes, and eventually destroys, our husband's trust in us. Proverbs 26:28. "A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin."

Communication builders:

1. Prayer

Great communication begins with our relationship with God. No one can help your marriage change if you are not willing to take your needs to the Lord. No advice, no marriage book, no counselor, and no self-help book can change your marriage if you don't pray. Begin by praying every day for God to give you both the wisdom to understand each other better and to communicate in a way that is pleasing to Him. Pray together if your husband is willing. When you pray together, you both get a chance to hear what is on the other's heart; what they are struggling with, what they are thankful for and what their hopes and dreams are. There is no better way to get close to your spouse than to pray together.

1 Thessalonians 5:16. "Be joyful always, pray continually."

2. Showing Respect

Ephesians 5: 33b says, "and the wife must respect her husband." That doesn't mean that you respect him only if he respects you first. That means that you respect your husband in thought (the heart), word (your speech) and deed (your actions).

How you say something, your tone, speaks volumes about what is really in your heart. You'd be surprised at what you communicate with your voice inflection. If you are angry, bitter, or frustrated, it is bound to come through in your tone of voice. If you are not sure how you sound, try this experiment. Put a tape recorder in a room where you and your husband converse most often and forget it is on. Then play it back to see how you sound. It can be a real eye opener.

Proverbs 16:24 says, "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones".

The words you say can also damage your relationship. It can be the little things you say to your husband on a daily basis or that one big blow up that causes deep hurt and regret. If you are prone to saying things in anger, know this, it only takes a moment to say something you will regret for the rest of your life. Take a moment to go into another room and pray. Pray for patience, restraint, compassion and a gentle spirit. Proverbs 13:3 says, "He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin." Proverbs 25:11. "A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver."

Listen to what your husband says; listen to hear. The longer we are married the less we seem to listen to really hear and understand what our spouse has to say. Don't let the kids, the television or your housework distract you. Focus on him when he is talking. Get clarification. Repeat back to him what you understood him to say.

3. Timing

Timing is another essential component to communication. Here are some things to avoid. Don't try to discuss something with your husband right before being romantic, or as he's going to work or coming home from work. You'd be surprised at how many women try to do this. Also, be considerate about when you choose to discuss important matters with your husband. If you want your husband's undivided attention, don't do it when he's watching his favorite program. Choose the time to convey your message wisely.

4. Building him up.

Practice complimenting your husband. Even if he says it doesn't matter, let him how great he looks. Compliment him as he goes out the door to work and when he gets dressed up to go on a date with you. You appreciate it when he tells you that you look nice, so does he; even if he doesn't admit it.

Practice verbal appreciation. Men were designed by God to take care of their families. Make sure you let him know often that you appreciate how hard he works and how he looks after the affairs of the family. Thank him for the everyday things he does. Don't take him for granted.

Ephesians 4:29. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

The way in which you communicate can make or break your relationship. If you don't put an effort forth to communicate in a godly way with your husband, you will be distant from each other. As the Bible teaches us, we reap what we sow. What are you sewing in your communication?

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Comment by: Old Site Date: 2/9/2013 7:48:55 PM

A reader says ... Good points!

A reader says ... Wow! There are some wonderful things to consider in your writing. I am so glad I read it. I am engaged to be married and I do not want to start my marriage out with bad communication habits. I want to start out on the right foot so that I am aware and better prepared to have the blessed marriage God designed us to have. This article has helped to enlighten me on some things I had not thought of.

A reader says ... I have only been married for a few months, I already see many things on this list I do wrong. I grew up in a broken home, twice over, and I dont really know how to react in a relationship. I want things to go my way and I dont listen and many other things on this list. I find it so amazing that i found this article and I can admit it to myself that I have many of these problems now I just Need to admit it to God and my husband. I will try to do all of these things differently and pray for strength and wisdom and patience I really need patience. I pray for all of the other comments on this page, the one that really struck hard was the husband above that says he is a very good husband but his wife hates him, I pray for you and your wife, I really hope that with Gods will the two of you will find happiness again and you will realize your wife does not hate you and you guys will work it out. God bless !!

A reader says ... I recently found the scripture Ephesians 5:33 and thanks to the book "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs (Christian Marriage Counsellor and Auther) I see how I actually contribute negatively to our marriage problems. Before this revelation which applies to what is written above, I honestly thought that my husband was responsible for ALL of our marital strife. I couldn't think of anything that I would do differently, I just thought I married the wrong person. I finally see that I have to be accountable for the fact that I do not respect my husband and I let him know it by my words, thoughts and actions toward him. I constantly show my frustration with everything from his lack of housework to his lack of success in his work and then I wonder why even though I'm attractive, my husband has no physical desire for me. Very very interesting reading. I have been praying for God to help me to be respectful to my husband, it is SO hard! I want to scream sometimes from how frustrated I am but I keep trying and miraculously I have started to see changes in how he responds to me. I recommend the book and following the suggestions in this article and just see what happens. God said wives had to respect their husbands, he did NOT say the husband had to deserve the respect, he said we have to respect them no matter what!

A reader says ... It is 4:00 in the morning and I just couldn't sleep. I guess God was leading me to this article. I found myself in 4 out of 5 of the problems listed above. I can safely exclude the "lying" problem. I really didn't realize that I was bringing such negative energy to my marriage. This is not to say that my husband does not have any flaws. Just that my contributions towards the marriage have not been the best they could be. This article has and will continue to have a great impact on my life and my marriage. My husband says I am a good wife, I know I have a lot of improvements to make and I can be a much better wife. Many of the quotes above from the bible brought a feeling a shame to me. The acknowledgement of many of my flaws listed together like this almost brought tears to my eyes. I vow to change with God's help. All things are possible in the name of Jesus. Pray for me and I will pray for all of you. I am a good person, with some heavy burdens on my heart. I will pray for God to lift those burdens so my true self can be shown to the world...more importantly to my husband.

A reader says ... This was a very good word. I really struggle in the area of respectful communication with my husband. One thing God always shows me is that when I want to point the finger for problems at others (such as my husband) He (God) always points the finger back at me. He has shown me that we are not responsible to change others but we are responsible to change ourselves, with His help. If we are obediant in what we are suppose to do it will affect others around us and others will be affected.

A reader says ... this was definitely an eye opener for me however I know now what to do to change me and I know I can't change my husband but I know God can. My husband doesn't help do anything absolutely nothing he feels all he have to do is go to work and pay bills but I also work and go to school and we have children I cook every night, I clean the whole house all I ask is that they pick up behind themselves the children or my husband won't do that my husband acts like me and our children are suppose to do all of the housework and he do nothing I have talked to him in a nice way, I've written him letters I've even got to the point that if I can't win join them I did that to see how long not only the children but my husband would live in filth and it was a very long time I coudlnt' take it anymore and I cleaned the whole entire house that's how bad it was. my husband forgets everything if I ask him if he did this or that he gets upset and say I'm nagging him then if I don't remind him he gets mad and say why didn't you remind me I just can't win for losing what am I to do???? Lord knows I don't want to run him away I love him dearly but these things are really make me feel like he is taking advantage of me


A reader says ... please help my marriage is about to end i think i am a very good husband my wife hates me

A reader says ... I was really convicted after reading the article. It just seems like even when I sacrafice and not say things or be patient. as soon as i messed up I get a negative response as if everything is my fault. Please pray for my family

A reader says ... :) I am so thankful that the LORD's Word is always true and good for correction and reproof... He gives us what we need in due time... Thank you LORD.

A reader says ... This is really an eye opener & I needed to hear it. I took some notes & I'm putting them in my make up bag so I can read over it quickly each morning.I don't want to forget how I feel right now or the angle in which you can look at marital problems.As I read I saw that I was more of the problem & my huband started looking better.(I don,t want my huband to rather live in a desert than with me because he has a quarrelsome wife.)

A reader says ... I do not want to be the blame for everything around my house and be called a name

A reader says ... That was really a right now word for me. I always wonder if it's me that's doing something wrong in my marriage. I do know that it takes two to bring something together. Communications is the most important part of any relationship. And if God's not the number 1 person in the marriage, there's alot of things wrong.

A reader says ... I also think that sometimes it is not just our communication that needs to be examined and polished ut our perceptions of eachother.

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