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Sex and Affection
According to Dr. Willard Harley's book, "His Needs, Her Needs," men and women have similar and different emotional needs. In most of the men that he has studied, sex was the number one need. In most of the women he has studied, affection was the number one need.
In many ways, these two needs place stumbling blocks in front of the relationship. You see, based on my experience working with men and my experience being a man, I can tell you that sex IS affection to many men. During love making, and erotic touching, a man is feeling affection from his spouse. In his mind, he is also GIVING affection to his spouse.
This might help to explain why men who have sex with their wives often are puzzled when their wives complain that they are not receiving enough affection. This also explains the cycle that runs in most marriages. His wife wants affection. He wants sex. She doesn't want to have sex with someone who, in her mind, doesn't show her affection. He doesn't want to show affection to someone who won't have sex with him. The cycle is born, and continues, causing trauma to the relationship each day it is spun.
The solution? Knowledge and understanding. An easy out, but true. As a wife, she must understand his constant need for sex. As a husband, he must understand her constant need for affection--as she defines it.
Based on thousands of couples we (Family Dynamics Institute) have studied, when these two areas are fulfilled in a marriage, other problems seem to vanish or, at least, become much less severe.
by Lee Wilson
Lee Wilson is on staff at Family Dynamics Institute (www.familydynamics.net), a ministry that trains church leaders to strengthen and save marriages and families.
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