Please help. My wife has almost no passion for me.

I am a very frustrated Christian man.  I know that it is a fool of a man who expects his wife to desire him sexually as much or as often as he desires her.  But I believe that there are many women who desire their husband more than my wife desires me.  We have been married 9 years now.

I come from a West Coast upbringing where morals are looser than many other places and people become charged sexually from an early age with all that is thrown at them from the media and their peers.  I was not raised in a very conservative Christian atmosphere compared to many evangelical families (I was raised Catholic though I am now an evangelical Christian).  My wife grew up on a farm in the mid-west with a much more conservative and strict upbringing.  While her family was very loving it was also very sheltering (not necessarily a bad thing if one stays in that type of community).

To give an example of our sexual differences my wife doesn't like deep or prolonged kissing.  French kissing does not do a thing for her and certainly does not arouse her no matter how passionate the moment.  The idea of being "sexy" sounds dirty to her.  She has never masturbated.  She has never felt the inclination to do so and feels it would be wrong for her.  She is usually uncomfortable with my performing cunnilingus on her though when I do it gives her the most intense orgasms she ever experiences (and I LOVE doing it for her).  If I do pleasure her orally kissing is completely out afterwards as the though of smelling or tasting herself on my lips disgusts her.  She doesn't really like performing fellatio for me though she does so out of a loving and generous heart.  But the thought of my semen toughing her lips sickens her.  Any man can tell you that pulling away at the moment of climax really takes a lot out of fellatio.  It's selfish to complain about that I know but I'm just being honest here.  She once tried reading the letters on this site at my hinting that she might find them enhancing to our relationship and after reading one story from the "Medium" category and one from the "Hot" category she wrote off the site.  She can't accept that this is a truly "Christian" site to publish such writings.  To be honest, I have to agree with her to some degree in so far as some of the wordings used in those stories are not tasteful.

My wife is loving and generous.  She is willing to make love with me when I ask even if it is two or three times in one week (I would like it to be at LEAST two or three times a week) but if I don't ask then we usually make love once a week on the weekend.  And I know that even then it is not because she desires it but because she desires me to be happy.  But I want her to desire me.  To be blunt, I want her to feel lust for me.  I want her to desire me with her loins and not just with her heart.  But the only desire present most of the time is a heart desire with virtually no "erotic" component to it at all.  It makes me feel frustrated and resentful at times.  I don't want our love making to be "for his sake".  I want to be WANTED so badly that at times it hurts.

Perhaps this is more venting than looking for advice.  I don't think there is anything I can do but to try to change my own heart and desires to be more compatible with my wife's.  The best she can do is pretend to feel toward me the way I want her to feel and frankly she isn't a very good actress.  Let me close by saying that I LOVE my wife and would never be unfaithful to her.  If nothing can ever change in this category of our relationship then I shall continue to love and cherish her until death do we part.  But part of me (a very selfish part) will always wonder how much I may have lost in my choice of mate.  I know there are other Christian women out there who are passionate sexual beings and explore and enjoy the fullness of God's gift of sexuality within their marriage.  I just wish my wife were one of these women but she isn't wired that way.

Editors Note:  Thank you for sharing with our members.  This site is more of an experiment than anything else.  Yes we are a Christian site.  Our goal is to help married couples and show the world that God's ways are the best ways. The Bible is our guide.  Recently we changed all the medium and hot writings on MarriagerRomance.com to eliminate any slang sexual words in favor of pure affectionate or proper words.  We suggest that you pick the writings out that your wife will read – writings that meet yours and her standards.  It should be much easier now that the words have been changed.  Let her read them to you or listen to them together.  Pick some mild ones too to help her feel the writings are pure.  This site is here to provide a Biblical solution to exactly your problem.  Please don't give up on it too soon.  

I would suggest you and your wife take the marriage course "His Needs Her Needs" together (or read the book).  It will impress upon you and your wife how important it is to meet each others needs.  

I hope you and your wife have read through the "Common Questions" page on our web site.  It may persuade her that your emotional sexual needs are important.

As far as this being a Christian site, we consult often with Pastors who approve of our ministry.  Also, we have written letters to twelve famous Christian ministries such as Focus on the Family, and Insight for Living and many others.  Since this is a small ministry most have returned  letters stating they get thousands of such inquiries and can not comment on our site.  Others have returned positive or netural letters.  No one returned any negative feedback.  

God Bless you and please let us know if we need to edit a writing and eliminate some part you feel is wrong.

Comments From Readers

A reader says ... I've coached hundreds of married couples on sexual issues.  I can vouch that just as many women longed for more sex as men did.  However the reason just as many women requested help as men did, could  be that women are more likely to seek help than men, whereas the men might look at porn instead of seeking help.  

If the husband is more legalistic than his wife, or if the wife has a stronger sex drive, or if she has more trouble becoming aroused, she may want to use sex aides that appeal to her; such as candles and romantic music, and watching chick-flicks, going out to dinner, going to a motel, going on vacation getaways, as a way to help her become sexually aroused.  Or if she is younger, she may want to explore oral sex, sexual toys, erotic materials, etc, more than her husband.  

Likewise, if the wife is more legalistic than her husband, or if the husband has a stronger sex drive, or if the husband has trouble becoming aroused, then the husband may want to explore sex aides that appeal to him; such as oral sex, sexual toys, erotic materials, going to nude beaches, etc more than his wife.  

Either situation can result in the one or both spouses being sexually frusturated.  Of course all women are not alike and all men are not alike.  As an example, some women do not like oral sex as some men do not like oral sex (I don't).

Another example from my own marriage occurred when my wife and I first married.  I was brought up in a missionary family where we used our income (God's money) for God's work.  My wife wanted to go out to dinner each Friday.  I felt like this was a waste of God's money and I thought we should go out to dinner only once a month.  This frustrated my wife. I gave in to her desires for the sake of harmony.  It was only a personal conviction that I had to give up for the sake of harmony in our marriage.  Jesus said, "I desire mercy not sacrifice; if you would have understood this, you would not have condemned the innocent."  

I was condemning my wife for wanting to waste God's money and eat out each week.  But for the sake of showing my wife mercy, I gave up my sacrificial conviction of not wanting to waste God's money.  Being in harmony with my wife and showing my wife mercy was more important to God than trying to force my personal conviction on my wife. It worked in our marriage.  My wife's desire to eat out each week faded years and years ago.  Once I was willing to love her in the way she wanted to be loved, her desire changed more to be in line with my desires.  That is what happens when we are willing to comprimise (mercy) with our spouse instead of trying to force our personal (sacrificial) convictions on them.

When legalism is the reason the husband and wife can not agree on what is permissible in the marriage, this causes arguments and marriage problems far worse than just a difference in sex drives.

When legalism is not involved in a marriage, the couple feels free to try the various sexual aides mentioned above, to help each other become aroused.  And so their marriage thrives.

Harmony in the marriage is most important.  The Bible says how can two walk together except they be agreed.  That is why it is important that Pastors not poison Christian marriages with legalism.  The legalism I am referring to is when Pastors teach married couples that it is sinful to experiment with oral sex, sex toys, moral erotic materials, moral erotic videos, etc.  

The problem is when one spouse agrees with the Pastor and the other spouse disagrees.  This pits one spouse against the other and ends up destroying marriages.  

The apostle Paul referred to areas where one person may think something is wrong and another person may think it is right - Paul referred to those areas as "disputable matters".  On "disputable matters" God does not clearly say the issue is right or wrong.  

Sexual issues in marriage can be thought of as a "disputable matter".  In "disputable matters" the wife should follow her husbands moral guidance, as he is the spiritual leader.

On "disputable matters", Pastors should not be teaching that something is sin when God does not say it is sin in the Bible.  From my experience of coaching married couples, I believe that the legalism that is taught in our churches is the reason why Christian divorce rates are higher than divorce rates of non-Christians.  I believe that if Christians were taught they have freedom in Christ to explore and have fun in their marriage, that Christian divorce rates would drop 50 percent.

A reader says ... When a wife goes through the motions of sex with her husband but she doesn't have eros love for her husband - when she doesn't make him feel desired, when she doesn't have sexual passion for him - he never really feels fulfilled and he is far far more likely to look at porn and do other things than a husband who has a wife who desires him sexually.

And again, Christian wives are capable of having this sexual desire for their husbands, when they don't feel guilty about sexual things that their husband thinks are ok.  The key goes back to spiritual leadership.  Pastors teach wives to go against the spritual leadership of their husbands and this is wrong when they force their own sexual convictions (that are not supported in the Bible) on the married couples and turn the wives against the husbands.  Pastors ought to be silent about private disputable matters and not a stumbling block to married couples, by pitting wives against their husbands.  I have seen where a porn sermon was followed weeks latter by a young husband committing suicide, leaving behind a wife and two toddlers.

A reader says ... Sure it is nice that his wife is willing to give him sex once a week; or if he asks – up to 3 times a week.  But that is not really the problem this man is addressing.  Because I understand his problem because my wife was the same as his wife.  In his own words he said, “I want her to desire me with her loins and not just with her heart.”  He doesn’t want sacrificial love as you have suggested he should be happy with.  He wants her to really enjoy and like it.  Our relationship with our spouse (sex) is similar to our relationship with Jesus.  And Jesus said something similar.  Jesus said, “I desire mercy not sacrifice.”  I believe Jesus meant he wants people to love God because they enjoy it, because they have genuine compassion (get it passion) for others, not out of sacrifice or as you say “sacrificial love”.  Having sex should not be something like dying on a cross – there is a difference.  Yes Jesus had sacrificial love and so he died on the cross so you and I can be forgiven.  

But it is a sad day when we teach our women that having sex with the man they chose to marry, should not be based on pleasure or eros or phileo love for their husband, but rather ought to be acted out solely on sacrificial love as Jesus did when he prayed all night and sweat blood and then went through terrible torture and death on a cross.  

A husband wants eros love from his wife, or at least phileo love, but agape love, as a motivation for giving your husband sex – that is sad.  We save agape love for our enemies and for when we have arguments and fights and really tough times.  But our goal in marriage in the area of sex, should be to have eros (sexual passion and excitement) for our spouse.

This husband points out the problem.  The problem is, this husband thinks some sexual activities are honorable and pure and his wife thinks they are sinful and wrong.  This mans marriage has been messed up by legalistic preachers and legalistic parents who taught his wife (directly or indirectly)  when she was young that those things were wrong.

Let’s not underestimate the power of parents and preachers.  Look at the current Mormon news in Texas where young girls are taught to marry older men who have multiple wives.  And where we are told, by women who have escaped, that they run the young boys out of their closed society so that the girls are available for the older men.  And many of the Mormon mothers are now defending that perverted system.  The mothers have bought into it, even though they don't benefit from it, and even though it causes pain and jealousy in their life - they have bought into it because the Mormon preachers have taught them that it is sin to disagree with the system.  

This situation brings to light how important it is that we as parents raise our daughters and sons with balanced Godly values.  

When parents with the help of Pastors raise daughters who when married refuse to respect the spiritual leadership of their Christian husbands (as this wife does) and cling to the legalistic sexual views of their upbringing – this causes serious problems in marriages.  So serious that Christian divorce rates are higher than non-Christian divorce rates.  

Why not mention the truth, that a wife is supposed to respect their husband as a spiritual leader and adopt his values as long as they are Biblical?  Why not tell the truth that the legalism surrounding sex in marriage is not based on the Bible?  Why not tell wives that they need not feel guilty to masturbate in front of their husband when he asks them to?  

Our secular culture has proven that the problem is not that women are so different than men.  Just as many secular women enjoy sexual passion and excitement as do secular men.  I remember becoming upset when I read of a secular poll that said women enjoy oral sex more than penetration.  I have read news articles indicating that secular women look at porn now as often as men because it is free and discreet online.  Our secular society is proving that women can enjoy sex as much as men, if they don’t have a guilt complex overshadowing it.

Both men and women are turned on by cherishing, care and concern.  That is not the point here.  We can assume from this mans writing that he is a loving caring cherishing husband who takes the trash out in the evenings and helps with the dishes and puts the kids to bed.  The point here is not to blame the man again but to try and understand why his wife thinks things are wrong and sinful, that he thinks are pure and honorable.

A reader says ... Wives are different from husbands. When a man is turned on sexually, his wife is turned on by things like cherishing, care and concern. These are the things that make a woman love a man. If the wife is giving herself three times a week to make love, then this guy should thank God and get on with it! It's not that she doesn't love him. She probably loves him dearly. It's just that some people - especially women - do not see red hot sex every night as a priority. 'Husbands love your wives' says Paul. The love is the sacrificial love exemplified by the cross of Christ.

A reader says ... So a wife's sexual conduct is solely the responsibility of the husband?  Paul did not say that.  So if my wife cheats on me that is my fault?  Of if she does not cheerfully obey Paul and desire to have sex with me it is my fault?  Why blame everything on the husband when cearly the Bible teaches that each individual will give account of their own actions to God.  The problem this man has with his wife is the result of false teaching from the church.  She was taught that sex and everything related to it is dirty and sinful.  And so the church has all but ruined this marriage along with millions more.  We should be thankful for the Godly men like this that love their wives unconditionally in these situations.  And think of the millions of Christian marriages where the situation was like this and this caused - as Paul warned it would - the husband to be tempted to look at porn and other sexual outlets, and when that has happened the wives divorce their husbands, again because of this false doctrine surrounding "lust" which includes everything sexual.

A reader says ... After reading some of the messages on this site, it is clear that women can learn and follow their husband's leadership in wonderful and amazing ways!

Douglas Wilson in "Fidelity" discussing I Cor. 7 (Sexual Solutions):

"Paul is saying that a husband and wife ought to have regular sexual relations in order to protect themselves against immorality. But much more than regularity is involved. Why is it that many men who have ongoing relations with their wives do not experience any of the protection God intends for them to have? The answer is found in that word authority. He has authority over her body, and interestingly, Paul teaches that she has authority over his. As the head of the house, he is responsible for everything that happens in the home, and for the state of everything, including the state of their sex life. He is responsible for his authority over her, but he is also responsible for hers over him.

Now, what is he to teach her?  

…if he is thinking about "how it would be wonderful if she would only..." but then shakes his head because she would never go for that, then he needs to learn that these things are his responsibility. It is his responsibility to go one of two directions-either to learn that his desire is wrongheaded and needs to be dropped or to teach his wife how she may meet it.

His faithfulness to her provides the security she needs in order to be taught by him. He bound himself to that faithfulness with a vow when they got married.

A reader says ... Thank your for your honesty in writing about your wife.  I think that many men finds themselves in the same situation that you are in.  I have just subscribed to this site and I am praying that my wife will understand and then permit me to give her oral sex and hopefully, be more open to more sex in our marriage.