My wife refuses to have sex with me

I have been married 16 years with 3 children.  My wife and I have endured several hardships in the last 5 years ( 2 close deaths, I lost my business to fraud, I had a brain tumor removed)

My wife is edgy, negative and complains frequently.  I am trying to act positive and am trying to re-kindle some kind of romance... but she has fought every attempt.  We have had sex 4 times in 4 years... and I can't go on like this much longer.

I am attending counseling (in hopes of learning if it's me.. and maybe I can get my wife to attend? )

Any specific, concrete actions I can take to "help" my wife cool down and get romantic again??

Thanks!

Comments From Readers

A reader says ... Typically, when women avoid sex with their husbands is because they have built up bitterness towards them or no longer respect them.  I sincerely doubt she's afraid to get close to you because she's afraid she'll lose you. Try talking with her or setting up counseling to discover the reasons.

A reader says ... Sex is a very personal expression of deep love, committment, trust and respect. If one of those things are lacking in one spouse's life, then they not only don't want to have sex, but they feel dirty, wrong, angry or used if they do enchage in love making. Is there something that happened in your lives which have casued a loss of respect and a loss of trust? If there is, repentance needs to come and then forgiveness is needed on your wife's part. If she refuses to forgive you, then there's deeper issues in her own life that she needs to work through. Councelling is a wonderful tool for discovering those issues andit would be wonderful for you to go with you.

A reader says ... It's too simple for you to grasp. God has nothing to do with it. She is afraid to get close to him again because of the near death. She wants to keep her distance because she fears him dying.

A reader says ... the only comment i have is that you are doing the right thing and trying to address the issues. no wife or husband can do better than that. be open and honest with her, tell her that you want to make things work, and you need her help. always try and listen to her, say things in a non confrontational way, and pray that she will open up to you. we all want to be loved and understood, so i know she must be feeling the strain also. as a woman, suprise her, take her for a weekend away, take her shopping, and arrange all the finer details like who's having the kids. any woman would love to have a husband that doesnt expect her to orangise everything all the time. take some of the pressures away, help her relax so you can enjoy each other away from your normal setting. you might find that if you take her away from the situation/house which all these feelings came about, that she might start to see thinsg from a new perspective..  i hope what i said helps..and remember to tell her how much you value her and love her...always works for me..lol  
jennifer

A reader says ... I was doing something similar to my husband because of bitterness and fear that I had stored in my heart against him.  It didn't have much of a basis except in the past, but every day that I kept it in my heart the further I grew from my husband. It wasn't until I faced my own unforgiving heart that I changed towards my husband. Pray that God would work in your wife's heart and change her there; and make sure that your heart and actions are pure as well. What is impossible with men is possible with God.

A reader says ... The problem is not with you but your wife. What caused it? When did it begin in her mind and spirit? Only God knows.

The fact is what do you do about it. Based on human behavior and past experience being a 95% proof of future actions, not to mention actions speak louder than words. She will probably never change.
So what are your rights?

The Bible and man-made laws are very clear. You have a right to expect, without demand, a spouse who will make love to you, and not just huff and lie there either - that is not love. The original definition of Adultery in the Greek is not just one person cheating on another, but the abandonment of the marriage bed by one spouse or the other. So you have a spouse is martially unfaithful to you.
What do you do about it? Your rights are clear what you can do with your relationship with her. Divorce, separation, confirmation - however this may not help you in every other aspect of your life. These actions could destroy your family, your children and you. "Not a very nice position to be in "a person that loved you would not put you in this position"

I like to think of your children. You may have to grin and bear it until the children are adults and are able to make their own way. How your wife is treating you does not give you the right to make a decision that will hurt the kids. You still have a commitment to them that has to be fulfilled. If you were signal then I would say file for divorce. Why? Love and passion have to come from the heart. What your not getting cannot be fixed by laws or finger shaking at someone. If you have to spell out the rules of passion to your spouse it is already too late.
Hard words, Honest words I know, but there is no point in self help seminars or poetry ect: The only thing you can do, and I would recommend it is to simply ask her to forgive you for any sins you have committed against her and to let her know that you have not intentionally done anything to harm her. This will go one of two ways for you. 1. She wills thank you and say that is what she has been waiting to here. 2. She will use this opportunity to drive the knife in deeper and use your compassion as weakness. Either way you will have your final answer "out of the mouth the heart speaks"

Be strong, there are a ton of men in this situation in this culture of North America over the last 100 years. It is a degradation of society in our culture. 1OOO years ago it what the other away around in Jewish and Roman culture, it was the men in marriages who where the majority of cold hearts in the bedroom. (Power control thing) you can't have tyranny and love existing at the same time.
What ever you do, do what it takes to make sure your children come out the winners. ADD (Attention Dad Disorder)

Nasty people do nasty things, because of who they are, not who you are.