My heart needs to change but I just do not want to

I love my wife very much but have reached the point where I am almost not at all attracted to her physically.  I have a very strong sex drive which has always been a problem for us since my wife has very little if any sex drive at all.  I am very frustrated about how much weight my wife has gained in the past few years.  

It has come to the point now that I am often disgusted by the sight of her naked body.  She loves me and knows how important sex is for me and tries to initiate love making with me once or twice a week.  But lately I waver between desire for sex and distain at how she has let herself go.  I am so frustrated and conflicted over this.  I go back and forth.  On one hand I get angry and resentful at how the sexual aspect of our marriage has never been and never will be what I always hoped to have.  

At other times I realize the sinfulness and cruelty and regarding my wife this way and how unloving it is of me.  I know I should pray that the Lord would help me to become a less carnal man but it is so hard for me.  I don't think it is wrong for me to desire my wife to be a passionate lover and for her to try to be reasonably attractive for me.  Yet I know it is unspiritual of me to hold it against her that she is not these things.  Oh how I wish this aspect of our marriage didn't tear me up so!  

She is a wonderful woman and I love her so much and don't deserve such a good woman.  It is only in this one aspect of our marriage that she is not the perfect woman.  It's just that this one aspect is so important to me.  I know "you can't have it all" but sex is so important to me.  I know that the only solution to this problem is for the Lord to change my heart but my sexuality is one aspect of me that I just don't want Him to change.  I don't want it changed - I want it fulfilled.  

Since that simply isn't going to happen I would be far better off if sex simply wasn't very important to me.  Please pray that I will accept the need to let go of this selfish pride and that I will be able to honestly seek the Lord and ask Him to change this part of me so that I can be a man more suited to my wife.  

Comments From Readers

A reader says ... There is possibility it may not be by "letting herself go" Withot going into details...my wife seemed no matter what she did...she got heavier...my background in counseling is to look for something physical if spiritual or psychological does not seem to work. We have found out that my wife has what is called a "systematic yeast infection". Think how yeast acts when making bread...if you still check these comments please e-mail me and I might be able to steer you in checking it out. It sounds like your wife is not one to let herself go...because of the love that you have for her. My e-mail: rkmartin@rea-alp.com

A reader says ... To the man with the problem I can see it would be annoying not to fancy your wife anymore but the best thing to do is to be supportive as she will just eat more if you make her miserable. Perhaps you could learn to cook some healthier meals for her and don't eat in front of her as often as you will be able to eat a lot more than her and retain your ideal weight. In weight men have it a lot easier as they can eat more food and remain within an ideal weight range so I think it is unfair to be too quick to judge.

A reader says ... Thank you for sharing with us.  I pray many will be praying for you and your wife.  If your wife is overweight because of some medical problem which she can not control then of course she is not at fault and you simply need to accept and love her.

Assuming your wife is overweight because she over eats, then still you should accept her and love her, but also she should control her eating so that she loses weight to get down to a healthy weight.

Something that might help her would be if she and you together would read Chapter 8 of “His Needs, Her Needs” which is entitled, “He Needs A Good-Looking Wife”.  

Gluttony, or the lust for food, which results in overeating, is a sin that is very prevalent in our society.  I read an article two days ago about how it threatens the health of our world today, and especially Americans.    

Obesity or being overweight is not looked at as a sin in our Christian culture.  But there is teaching in the Bible to justify that it is a form of lust equal to any other form of lust.  But with this sin, people show the sin in the form of being fat.  And consequently because we should love and accept everyone, we tend to over look the sin and not talk about it, in order to be nice.  And when we do talk about it, inevitably it causes some to become angry.

Christian culture tends to overlook the lust for food and over emphasize sexually related lust and therefore marriages end up a mess.  If Christian culture would give them equal “sin”-value, then the wife might be more willing to control her diet.  

I pray God will help you to accept your wife and that God will motivate her to lose weight.  I believe you can accept her and still lovingly tell her that you would be much more attracted to her if she lost weight.  The bottom line is, she ought to love you enough to lose weight for you.

See if your wife will read “His Needs, Her Needs” with you and see if she will go on a diet with you.  If you will eat the same things she does, she may be more likely to diet.  Then again if you are thin, this might not be a good idea.

I pray many will be praying for you and your wife and that God will do a miracle!