Adultery

Having major problems dealing with thoughts, images, details, ect. of my christian wife's affair.

Editors Note:  

Dear Sir,

It sounds like you have decided to forgive her, but you just can't seem to shake thinking about how unfair it was that she did this.  It may be that you feel she is not deserving of your forgiveness.  You may feel this way because you all have had disagreements in the past that have caused you both to build up bitterness towards each other.

Are there other areas in your marriage that you and your wife have disagreements in?   Maybe you both could try this.  Each write on a piece of paper, all the things you wish the other would change.  Then sit down together and talk about the things on the lists.  Try to work out compromises on the issues you disagree on.  Then commit to each other to change in the areas you have agreed to change in.  Each week review the list and add new things to the list if necessary.  Keep working on the list until all the things are resolved.  Once these other areas of your marriage are resolved, you may find that you can forgive your wife easier.

The other key to your forgetting about what your wife did is to change your perspective or change the way you are looking at the affair.  

Yes, it is true that your wife does not deserve you.  She does not deserve a loyal husband when she is a cheating wife.

On the other hand, you need to look at the situation through God's eyes.  God loves your wife even though she cheated.  God wants to salvage what there is of her life and turn it into something useful for God's glory.  If you choose to stay with your wife, God has a much better chance of helping her grow spiritually.  If you divorce her or live with her with anger and bitterness for the remainder of your marriage, God will not be able to use you and your wife for His kingdom and glory.

God told Hosea to marry a prostitute and keep taking her back after she cheated.  God did this to demonstrate how God keeps loving us, even though we commit spiritual adultery by loving the things of the world.

If you forgive her, God can use you to change her into a pure vessel.  While she doesn't deserve it, your forgiveness will be a great testimony to her of God's love and your love.  

Jesus taught that if you forgive her, she will end up loving you more, because she has been forgiven for so much.  

So forgiving your wife and realizing that God can use it to make you both have a better marriage in the long run is the way you need to think about it.

I'm not an expert on this and there are excellent articles at MarriageBuilders.com on this subject that may help you.

I pray God will help you forgive your wife and heal your emotions.  I hope many others will be praying for you too.  

Comments From Readers

A reader says ... Cheaters never quit.  Never. There is so much truth in once a cheater always a cheater. Over 60% of men cheat and almost as many women cheat.  It's an awful fact.  People are just selfish.  The funny thing is, as much as you hear about cheating, you would think that things are getting worse in today's society.  The truth is that people have always cheated. My grandparents always told me, "things that happen today were going on back in my day.  We just didn't announce it on the 6 o'clock news.  Only God can change a cheater.

A reader says ... I've never posted on something like this before... please bear with me. I recently cheated on my fiance, and as is the usual I suppose, unless you're heartless, felt horrible, and I truly hate myself for it. I will not do it again, despite all the problems we may be having, I'll walk away from the relationship before I do that....she doesn't deserve that. I'm still undecided on whether to tell her because in a way, I feel like doing so would be just breaking her heart, and why? So I can have a clear conscience? I don't deserve it. Please, please, pray for me.

A reader says ... I am a christian and i have a boyfriend who is married to another woman. when i accepted him as my boyfriend i was't aware that he is married. We were already together when he confessed to me that he was married but separated and in the process of annuling their marriage. He told me there is no way that his marriage with his past wife can still be reconciled beacuse she cheated on him twice and since then, their relationship became bitter as ever and became more bitter as time flies. Aside from the cheating that was by his wife,they would always argue about the most petty things (because their bothe lawyers and lawyers were trained to win arguments) and it made him realize that he could never revived their relationship and that it will become a more serious problem if they will already have children so he did not pursued to be with her anymore. He said that her wife's attitude was the result of her parents failed marriage (woman's parents were separated). He could not take it anymore so he thought that its better to part ways. I understand his point so i still continued my relatioship with him besides, their marriage will be annulled eary next year. My parents also know about it. My father told me that in the Bible, it was mentioned that it is better to separate from your spouse and issue and be issued a certificate of separation if the marriage will do no good at all(meaning if the marriage is only causing you to always lose your patience and self control and and would ruin relationship until it becomes a family in the long run).  It also says in the bible that a husbands and wives should love and respect each other because they are also loving and respecting God in such manner. Because of this, i was calmed that i wasnt committing adultery. In fact, i am actually taking my boyfriend with me and the family in church so he would also have the chance to know Christ as his personal savior. I believe that God has a plan for him. I have a belief that God wants him to be His servant someday. I always pray that God will use Him by ministering His word and being a blessing.. Am i committing adultery?I still pray that i'm not and God will forgive me

A reader says ... My wife was having an affair with a co-worker and then she told me that she no longer had any feelings for me and wanted a divorce. It was the most painful experience of my life, however, a year after our divorce, she admitted her affair to me and said how very sorry she was. I told her that I had already forgiven her and that I would bever turn my back on her. I'm not sure if we will ever be together again as a couple, but she has my love, my heart, and my forgiveness. This would not be possible without the power of God.

A reader says ... My husband is worried God will not forgive him.  Nothing worth having is ever easy.  He needs to stay out of bars.  He is a Christian but very outgoing and enjoys bars.  He committed adultery and now I don't trust him.  Please pray for us.

A reader says ... It is very difficult to forgive but God wants you to forgive the man.  He and your wife both should be stoned by old testament law - but you can forgive them.  Your wife is equal to blame.  I would separate from my wife if she did that and wait and make sure she was begging and miserable before I would forgive and take her back.  But if you can forgive her without all that - you are a much better man than I am.  May God bless your marriage!

A reader says ... 11-3-04  Today I have been told by my wife that she had reciently had a one night stand.  She admits she had no feeling for the man and that when it was happening it seemed that it wasn't her.  That all she felt was numb.  She says she doesn't know why she did it.  That she loves me deeply and she can't forgive herself for falling to temptation  We have been married for 11 years, we have 2 children and things are always tight where money is concerned.  Because of the money situation, we rarely get out without our children.  She said that she hasn't felt like herself sence our last child was born.  But she couldn't name what had caused the change.  I want to forgive her.  I love her deeply and don't know what I would do if she wasn't in my life.  What I'm having the most trouble with is my feelings about this other man.  I have a deep burning anger in me that a man (who is divorced - his wife cheated on him)would purposely seek out a married woman and do to someone else what was done to him.  I am not a violent man but I find myself contemplating some very bad things.  I have come to this site for guidence and strength to do what god has planned.  Please pray for us.

A reader says ... I am an 19 year old wife of a marine. I recently had a one night stand while my husband was away and am trying to gain back the trust of my husband and also the forgiveness of him and the Lord as well. I agree that showing me how God loves us and forgives us through my husband may save my marraige.

A reader says ... I pray that God in the name of Jesus heals both you your alls emotions and enables you to totally forgive your wife.  Please, give this to God and do everything He asks you to do to reconcile and overcome.  You are already victorious in Christ.  Remember that.  ALso, there is a good book called Total Forgiveness.  My husband is cheating on me and has yet to come back.  How I long and desire and pray for the chance to have him in our home, in my arms and presence again.  Please, seek all you can to speak to God honestly and ask for a solid, caring christian friend to help you learn how to forgive.  You are blessed to have her wanting to be back.