Not In Love Anymore..

I am stuck at a dead end on what to do with my marriage. I have been married now for about four and a half years. Here's my story... We dated for about a year and a half. We ended up having sex, and it led to me getting pregnant. So, we decided to get married (only because we had already talked about getting married later, anyway) So, we got married. I was 17 years old at the time. That's pretty young anyways; I turned 18 two months after the wedding, and we had our son in January of 2001. Well, where we are now, and my problem, is I honestly do NOT feel the love for him like I did. I thought I loved him when we were dating. I was head over heals in love, but, again, I was 16 and 17 years old. Almost every 16 and 17 year old girl "thinks" they're in love. But, I just don't know what to do now. He is such a good man. He is also 5 years older than me, so, now I am 22 and he is 27.

We also have a little girl that just turned one. So, anyways, I just don't know what to do. I can't even have sex with him now. It's been like over a month since we have made love, and it's because of me. Every time he starts to imitate sex, I pull away. The thought of having sex with him disgusts me. I don't know what to do. We both are very strong Christians, and go to church, and BOTH of our parents all go to the same church. It would be devastating to EVERY one if we split up. Especially to him. He loves me SO much!! I tried to tell him this a few months ago, and he wouldn't have anything to do with it. He wants NOTHING to do with divorce. I really don't either, it would be SO hard on everyone, but, on the other hand, I am completely miserable.

We do not agree on anything, he doesn't know how to communicate, and most importantly, I don't love him in that kind of way anymore!! What am I supposed to do?? I feel SO trapped.. Please, I am in agony over this, and I want something to change. I have prayed and prayed for God to change my feelings for him, like they used to be, I have tried and tried, and NOTHING changes... I just don't know. If ANY one can give me some reasonable advice, or some words of wisdom, PLEASE!! My e-mail address is zeeandmatt@aol.com... or just post a comment. I need to hear something. Please pray for us too. Especially since this involves young children (ages 3, almost 4, and 1.!!)  Thanks!

Comments From Readers

A reader says ... To "Not in love anymore" I was in your almost identical situation. I too, felt like I didn't love my husband anymore. I wondered if I ever really did. I got pregnant soon after we got married. I had complications with the pregnancy, so we were not suppose to have sex until after the baby was born. When the time was right finally and he initiated sex, I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. This went on for months. He finally stopped trying. I seemed to only focus on the negative things about him, I couldn't stand his kiss, his touch, his scent, his body, anything.  He is a nice looking, extrememly wonderful and loving man. But, I never thought of anything good about him for some reason. The negative just kept building in me, I was angry all the time. I finally was so tired of feeling this way and he was of course, could not understanding me. Who could? I decided to go to counceling. The counceling helped but not as much as a book that I found called "LOVE LIFE for every married couple" written by ED WHEAT, M.D. and Gloria Okes Perkins, and of course PRAYING! The book is amazing, God used that book and helped me realize that love is not just a feeling but a decision. The exciting and passionate feelings we get in the beginning of dating and marriage aren't always going to be the same. Real Love is  more than that. I learned that I needed to look at Mike in a different way. Look at his possitive qualities and be more realistic and not so negative. It didn't take me long at all to start feeling the love for him and the adoration for this wonderful man that is mine. I see him for what he is now. He is a good looking, sweet, and loving husband. It has been five years since then and I love him more everyday. A couple years ago he had to go to Iraq for about 9 months with the Navy and it was so hard to be away from him. I don't know what I would do if anything ever happened to him. But unfortunatly I have a new problem now. I have the desire for him in every way, but now he has not much desire for sex. He doesn't know why, he says. except that he can turn off that part of him, which he did 5 years ago after being rejected by me so many times. Over the last 5 years we probably have had sex about once every 2-3 months. Which at times drives me insane. I have a very low self esteem now. I feel like I deserve the rejection. I don't blame him for turning himself off like that but we talk and talk about it which he says also makes him not want to be intimate either. When we were married we were both 34. My second marriage! He was a virgin still. I don't know how a guy can go that long without sex. My previous husband couldn't ever have enough sex. So now for me to be married to someone that could take sex or leave it, baffels me. IT MUST BE ME!!! There must be something wrong with me.I think he doesn't think I am pretty enough, or he doesn't enjoy sex much, I don't know. We are both very quiet, reserved people so the sex has never been earth shattering when we did have it. We both have gained about 20 pounds since our wedding but I don't think that is the problem. I pray about it but so far it hasn't changed. Now every few months when he feels like having sex, I feel like he really doesn't want to, he just thinks he should. He use to be on the road for his job a lot and he admits to me that he masterbates often about once a week at least. I feel cheated on, if he is in the mood then he should come to me. I asked him what he thought and he says he sees my point. So he will let  me know when he is in the mood but he rarely does. He's very loving in other physical ways like holding hands, hugs throughout the day, he says he loves me all the time. I know he loves me but why doesn't he want me in bed? I just don't get it. I can't help but think this is my payoff.  HELP...

A reader says ... I'm currently going through something similiar, I got married when I was 19, now I'm 22.  We've been married for 2 years now.  My problem here is that I am the one who feels that my husband doesn't love me anymore at lest not in the same way like at first.  I still hope and pray that for the best of both and our closed one's we both hold on and hope that it will get better.  Wish you the best and be strong!

A reader says ... I'm feeling the same way as the first entry.. although I am only 17, I feel that I am in love with my boy friend of almost 10 months.  The last thing I want to do is hurt him considering we've become so close.  I'm not willing to give up...I want to work this out.  It's not anything that he is doing, but it's just myself feeling like I'm losing some feelings.  Also, we have seen each other almost everyday since we began dating.  I'm thinking space will make this better but if anyone has any other ideas on how I can fix this problem, please help me...I can't take crying and feeling horrible all the time.  Thank you.

A reader says ... I felt the same as you do a while ago. Until someone sent me the passage below. Don't give up on your husband. The world is not worthy of the great loss and void you will bring upon yourself. I think you are taking out on him something that is missing in you. Hopefully the passage below will bring you some peace as it brought some to me.

Romans 12
9. Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

14. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[3] Do not be conceited.

17. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"[4] says the Lord. 20. On the contrary:
"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."[5] 21. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

A reader says ... Hi there, i'm not sure if you have already heard this or already read this book but please read, "The five love languages," by Dr. Gary Chapman.  I've read the men's edition myself and bought it for my husband.  It has helped to save our marriage through rough times, very similar to yours.  Hope this helps, God bless.

A reader says ... ***UPDATE*** I am SO happy to say that things have changed (for the better) PLEASE go to COMMENTS... and there, I have pretty much written my testimony of what all has happened!! It is AWESOME!! The name of the writting under COMMENTS is MY HUSBAND THANKS YOU!! Please let me know what you all think about it!! I ALSO APPRECIATE ANY AND ALL OF YOU WHO KEPT US IN YOUR PRAYERS!!! MAY GOD WONDERFULLY BLESS YOU!!!

A reader says ... I'm praying for you.  If you stay in the marriage your will be sooo happy later for staying.  80 percent of those who divorce and remarry wish they had stayed with their original spouse.  And those who stay single after divorce lead a lonely life.  

A reader says ... What could your husband change that would cause you to change your feelings toward him?

A reader says ... Please read "His Needs, Her Needs".