|
Marriage Advice
First off, I'm one of the thousands who find themselves Divorced, and have been honest enough to recognize, and admit to, the mistakes I made. Thank God.
The one fundamental bit of advice I give anyone in a serious relationship, married or otherwise, is to never, ever, not once, even slightly, the teensy weensiest tiny bit, take that relationship for granted. Always realize that, no matter how much in love, or how perfect it might seem, or how permanent, that it can come to an end if it isn't looked after.
I am fifty now, Met Sue at nineteen, was married to her at twenty-two, separated at thirty-two, divorced at thirty-four. Being with her was the best thing that ever happened to me, Losing her was the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. I've broken twenty-three bones, and nearly dies twice, in two bad motorcycle accidents, but neither came close to losing Sue. The moment she said I'm leaving you will remain as an echo in my mind for all time. I'm over it a long time ago, despite what it may seem like reading this, but the scars will always be there.
Why did it happen? I was careless, in an innocent enough way. My generation, (and maybe it still prevails now, I don't know), believed that when you married, it was somehow a guarantee of permanence. Big Mistake! I believed it; that, no matter what, we would always be together.
I/(we) had slogged at doing up our home, for four years, pretty much without a break, and at my own insistence that it was done properly, not Sue's. That was my fault entirely, and life had got pretty bleak. We weren't having a lot of fun, because I was worn out with it all, was depressed towards the end, and always in a temper with things when they went wrong, which was often! It was a miserable time towards the end.
She was unhappy too, and so had an affair with a real fun guy,
.the sort I was before The Slog. She was gone one lovely sunny morning. Just like that, it was over. By the time she acted, it was way beyond me persuading her to change her mind, or being able to convince her I would change my ways. Nope, it was finished. I can remember the shock of that, how it was as fast and final, as a bad Motorcycle accident. For the first time in my life, I realized you couldn't always put things right; that some things stayed broken, when you dropped them. That this could've been avoided, had I not been so stupid, and selfish, only added to the pain.
She wasn't nasty about it, and didn't crucify me with the practical settlements of the divorce; she was far too nice, and fair, a woman for that. I will always be in her debt for that.
Had I realized that it could break, I would, I hope, have eased up; looked to what she was going through, rather than being so focused on my own frustrations, and realized that her lack of complaining was her good nature, and not that she wasn't suffering too.
So, I advise to look to the fact, (and it is a fact), that marriage isn't the same as a concrete guarantee, not by a long chalk. Genuinely look after each other, work hard at understanding each other, and realize that men and women are different. We see, feel, and react differently
. and there are genetic reasons why. Don't be fooled into mistakes by this politically deceptive world we live in these days. Realize that, understand and act accordingly in sympathy, and you just might be one of the lucky ones that make it to old age together.
I understood Sue, after she was gone. Don't you do the same.
Read Why men can't iron
. And women can't read maps. Don't sneer at it, but read and absorb it. There's a lot of good sense in it, and It'll help you understand how your partner's mind works. Never stop trying to figure the rest out for yourself.
Always admit when you are in the wrong, too, and never be slow to put it right. Never take a bad feeling to bed either, and so, wind up going to sleep back-to-back in a huff. All it takes is for one to reach out to touch the other. Do it. It's never the wrong thing to do.
What else? I'd say don't think the grass is greener somewhere else, because, unless your marriage has gone really bad, it probably isn't. Grass is grass,
. try looking after the bit you're walking on, before you abandon it for pastures new. It does take two to look after it though, and if you can't pull together, then you're in Big Trouble.
I wasn't a complete prat, and was a good husband in some ways. I looked after her, fixed everything that went wrong (but with a lot of cussing and swearing, it has to be said!), was honest, affectionate, loving, and attentive. Sue never knew what it was to go to sleep, or to wake up, unloved. I will say that for myself. She always knew how much I loved her, and that made it real hard for her to leave. She was a good, very kind woman, and knew it would crucify me.
She wasn't wrong, either.
The only thing you can't do a whole lot about is Luck, Fate, whatever you want to call it,
but you can sure swing it your way.
I wish you both well.
©Kevin.Udy 26.1.05
|
|