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Marital Infidelity
Introduction
This past Sunday the sermon was on "marital infidelity". The text was Proverbs Chapter 5 through Chapter 7. I'd like to use some points from the sermon to help us go back to the Bible and understand God's heart in this area of sexuality so that we may better serve God.
Defining Marital Infidelity
The Pastor spent a lot of time developing what he called “marital infidelity”.
The Pastor's definition included flirting at work, watching soap operas, reading romance novels, and looking at porn on the Internet and a host of other things people do in the area of sexual conduct.
The Basis For Sin
The Pastor's premise for “marital infidelity” being sin, was that these things are being done without the spouse's consent.
Redefining Adultery Into Marital Infidelity
The Pastor then declared “marital infidelity” is a form of adultery itself.
The Problem With A Broad Definition Of Adultery
If we redefine “adultery” to be any expression of sexual energy by a spouse expended when not with their spouse, for example flirting at work or reading a romance novel, it sounds fine at first.
But then remember that Jesus said that you can divorce your spouse for “marital infidelity”.
The problem becomes that now married couples can divorce each other if they can prove their spouse watches soap operas, flirts at work or looks at porn.
The Truth About “Marital Infidelity”
In I Corinthians 7:5, Paul warns that when a spouse's sexual needs are not getting met, they will be tempted to sin.
The truth is that when a spouse is having problems in the bedroom, they end up with excess emotional sexual energy. It escapes in various ways in the form of flirting, watching soap operas, looking at porn and other sexual outlets.
As a person tries to find ways to meet their sexual needs, short of outright adultery, these things are usually signs that the person wants the marriage to work. If they wanted to commit adultery they would find someone to physically have sex with.
The Biblical Definition Of Adultery
The Biblical definition for adultery is when a married man or woman is caught in the act of having sex with someone who is not his or her spouse.
While Jesus said it is possible to commit adultery in your mind, since we are not mind readers, we need to remember that “man looks on the outward appearance but God looks on the heart” and unless we have physical proof of adultery we have no basis for divorcing our spouse.
The Basis For Sin Revisited
The Pastor's premise for “marital infidelity” being sin was that these things, like flirting or reading romance novels, were being done without the spouse's consent.
While I would not call it adultery, I agree that if these things are being done without the consent of the spouse they are signs of a weak relationship in a marriage.
In a healthy marriage the husband and wife normally might allow each other the freedom to do some of these things because they feel secure in each other's love and they trust each other.
For example I know there are marriages where husbands allow their wife to read romance novels and they still have healthy sex lives.
I know of one marriage where the husband asked his wife to inflict one “random act of kindness” on at least one lucky man a day. He understood that a compliment means so much more coming from the opposite sex. So he asked his wife to randomly compliment at least one man a day at the grocery store or wherever. He thought it would be good for his wife's self-esteem and would “make the day” for those lucky guys. It worked. In return most of those lucky guys returned a compliment or a warm smile to his wife and her self-esteem improved tremendously.
And since the Pastor's premise for “marital infidelity” being sin was that these things, like looking at porn, were being done without the spouse's consent, it appears that it would be ok for the husband and wife to agree to do these things together, such as watching an erotic video together.
The Truth About Marriage Love Life
We must not ignore the truth that at various times in a marriage a married couple may need a little spice in their love life. And if one of the spouses is very negative about using sexual aides to add spice to their love life, it may be like a wedge in the relationship and cause problems in their love life. This may cause one or both of the married persons to flirt at work, read romance novels, look at porn or watch soap operas.
So it is important in a marriage that both partners be willing to compromise within God's moral laws in the bedroom to keep the other partner sexually satisfied.
For example one partner may desire oral sex and the other does not want to give it. Or one partner may want to use erotic materials to increase passion in the bedroom and the other partner may think it is sinful.
When a couple can not agree on what is permissible in the bedroom or in their love life, one or both of them will inevitably turn to some other emotional sexual outlet such as porn, romance novels, TV, soap operas, topless bars etc.
It is very important that the husband and wife are peacemakers and both agree with each other in these matters. It is not sinful for a spouse to desire spice in their marriage any more than it is sinful to desire spice on foods they eat. Usually their need for spice in the marriage is rooted in a fear that they can not perform sexually.
The Basis For Sin Should Be The Bible
As Christians we need to go to the Bible to find the basis for why things like flirting, reading romance novels, looking at porn and other things are wrong.
What The Bible Says About Erotic Material
Christians should not watch erotic material that took immoral activity to make. For example if a video depicts a husband and wife in bed together having sex and the actors are not married, they are committing adultery for the sake of the video.
Christians should not watch or read erotic material that promotes immoral activity such as premarital sex or sex outside of marriage. If Christians would follow this Biblical guideline, they would not watch most TV, Cable movies, PG, PG-13, R, and X movies since most of them promote or condone sex outside of marriage.
If reading or watching erotic material causes the Christian to covet having sex with someone outside of marriage they should not read or watch it.
What Lust Is
Covetousness or lust is a burning desire that does not go away and eats at a person day in and day out. Lust or covetousness captivates the person to the point that they "have to have" something. Coveting or lusting can be for sex itself, for sex with a certain person, for a new car, for a new dress, for a vacation, or for anything. The way to know if you are coveting or lusting after something is whether or not you have to have it now, or are you willing to wait until God gives it to you in God's own timing.
What Covet or Lust is Not
If a person is content to simply see something and not have to have it, they are not lusting or coveting.
If it is enough to see a new car, and even though it would be nice to have it, a person is content without it, this is not lust.
If it is enough to see the beauty of a person of the opposite sex, with or without clothes, and even though they would be nice to have as their own, a person is content to just look, it is not lust.
Getting Sexually Excited Is Not Lust
A misunderstanding some have is that if a person reads or watches something that causes them to have an increase in sexual desire or passion, that this is lust. Sexual desire is an emotion. God never says having an emotion is sin. Emotions can lead to sin but emotions are not sin. Fear, anger, sorrow, sexual desire, are all emotions.
Masturbation Is Not Lust
Masturbation is not covetousness or lust. Masturbation is taking care of your own sexual needs in a private manner. Including some form of moral erotic entertainment before or during masturbation does not make it sinful.
A married person should only masturbate with the consent of their spouse. Otherwise they may be depriving their spouse of sex and cause their spouse to not feel sexually fulfilled.
Sexual Problems In Marriage
In I Corinthians 7:5, Paul said, “Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control.”
Paul makes it clear that a married couple should enjoy sex regularly and that each spouse is responsible to make sure their spouse's sexual needs are getting met.
Sexual problems in a Christian marriage originate from one spouse not feeling sexually fulfilled. The spouse who is needing sexual fulfillment and not receiving, may turn to porn, romance novels, soap operas, flirting and other things as a release of sexual energy in an effort to relieve emotional sexual energy, not in an effort to commit adultery. If the spouse wanted to commit adultery they would go find someone to have sex with.
The solution to marriage sex problems is for the husband and wife to do as Paul said and work out their sexual problems together.
The married couple should talk about what they each like, what turns them on, what is exciting. They should each strive to meet each other's needs.
Sex Aides In Marriage
Can a married couple use sex aids in their marriage to help them have more passion for each other?
Yes a married couple can use external aids to help them have more passion for each other.
Roses And Dinner – The Preferred Sex Aide
In the sermon, the Pastor suggested roses and dinner out as a way to arouse a wife's passions.
Other Sex Aides
Reading a short marriage romance story from MarriageRomance.com can add passion to a marriage.
Watching an erotic video could add passion to a marriage. There may be sex education videos that have been made by doctors or
psychologists that show married couples teaching sex enjoyment techniques. One of these would probably be fine to help a troubled marriage – although I have not personally used them in my marriage.
If Christian leaders would recognize the value in erotic materials, there
would be those who would begin to produce moral erotic materials to meet the standards Christians set.
Vibrators, lingerie, candles, fragrances, vacations, etc are all sex aides.
Beware Of Doctrines Of Demons
Starts With A Good Idea
Remember in I Corinthians 7, where Paul said it was good to not get married?
A Good Idea Becomes A Doctrine Of Demons
In I Timothy 4:3, Paul says there will be doctrines of demons that
prohibit marriage. So here we see that when you take a good idea (not getting married so you can serve God) and turn it into a law (prohibiting marriage) it becomes a doctrine of demons.
Christian leaders need to be careful not to condemn all erotic materials, especially when they are being used to help hurting marriages, lest they become workers of the devil.
The Doctrine Of Erotic Material
Some Christian leaders believe that if anything turns you on, it is sinful. Let us agree that “turning on” is an emotion which can lead to sin. And let us agree that there are verses in the Bible that say to flee from temptation.
However in our Christian culture we are not instructed to flee from any other situations except sexually related situations. For example when we smell a delicious cooked meal we do not flee from it on the basis that we might be a glutton and eat too much, even though Proverbs has this warning. Christian leaders do not instruct us to flee from new cars, new homes, vacations, shopping malls and other things we might covet.
Pastors equate looking at a picture the same as having sex with a harlot. But seeing a naked person is not the same as going to a harlot.
The truth is that young men in Bible days were confronted with plenty of nudity and sexual situations that God did not condemn in the Bible and yet we condemn today. Nudity was common in Bible days. In the New Testament it says that when Peter saw Jesus he stripped off his clothes and swam to shore. This indicates that people swam and bathed naked. An example of bathing was when king David saw Bathsheba bathing. I remember John McArthur say in a radio sermon that slaves were sold naked in the market place. Poor people could not afford clothes. And people lived in small houses and were supposed to let strangers live with them for extended periods of times in small houses. Surely they overheard sexually stimulating situations when sleeping in small quarters with the family.
The law dictated that a married man should marry his brother's wife if his brother did not have a son. Old Testament law provided for taking virgins from the spoils of wars to be concubines and if you were not happy with her sexually or otherwise you could let her go. Poor folks sold their daughters and sons into slavery and the daughters usually ended up concubines.
Surely girls danced naked or topless during these times as the pictures on excavated artifacts indicate. Queen Ester replaced Queen Vashi who historians believe refused to display herself naked at the King's great feast.
Remember when king David was old? The culture allowed him to have a young virgin to sleep on top of him to keep him warm. David was a man after God's own heart with 300 wives and concubines. And while he did not have sex with the young virgin it was because he was too old.
The Roman culture in Jesus day was more erotic than anywhere in the world today with prevalent nudity, erotic dancing and nude sculptures.
And yet God never condemned any of these practices? In all the Bible, amidst the nudity relaxed culture, God only condemned sex outside of marriage. So why should we condemn a married couple who use a video containing nudity to help them have a stronger marriage?
Christians need to admit that humans find the opposite sex beautiful not because they want to have sex with the person they see, but rather because they simply enjoy seeing the beauty of the form.
We need to recognize that seeing a naked body of the opposite sex can cause an increase in sexual desire and seeing a couple have sexual relations in a video can increase sexual desire even more. Then we need to see how this phenomenon can help marriages.
Stories are to women what pictures are to men.
www.MarriageRomance.com stories help wives become more passionate in marriage. Pictures or video would help those marriages where men need help in their marriage.
Porn Tracking Sites
In an effort to help Christian men, in today's sermon, the Pastor made each man get out a pen and paper and write down the web site address of a site that tracks where you go on the internet. Each week your Internet history is emailed to a friend who exhorts you if you went to a porn site.
This seems like putting a Band-Aid on the problem instead of fixing the problem at the source. If Christian married couples had the freedom to use moral erotic material in their marriages there would be no need to track their Internet visits to porn sites.
Our web site www.MarriageRomance.com is most likely on this list of porn sites. And yet if the husband and wife could go to moral erotic web sites together, and this was accepted by the Christian community, there would be no need to track mens steps through the internet because they would know they would be having fun with their wife that evening.
Other moral erotic web sites would spring up with other kinds of moral erotic materials for marriages. Some would include pictures and others video. Christian men would stop going to porn sites and instead visit these moral erotic web sites with their spouse.
Why not instruct the husbands and wives to agree on doing sexually related activities together? Why treat them like children and try to put them under man made laws?
Conclusion
The divorce rate is higher among Christians than other Americans. 75 percent of evangelical married Christian men supposedly masturbate regularly.
If Christians could free themselves from the burdens of legalism and go
solely to the Bible for answers to moral issues, the Christian divorce rates would go way down and Christian married couples would end up far more effective in spreading the Gospel Of Jesus Christ.
God wants to save marriages. God gave us sex. God gave us Song of
Solomon. God never condemns any moral erotic material in the Bible. Why condemn something that can be a lifeline to an area of marriages that the church cannot reach – marriage intimacy? Why limit God, why not trust God that the rules He put in the Bible are sufficient?
Hebrews 8 10b - 12 says, "I will put my laws in their minds and write them on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. No longer will a man teach his neighbor, or a man his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord,' because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest. For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more." This is the new covenant. This is God's Grace. Why not trust God with this area of sexuality.
Why not provide real solutions to help married couples and let the Holy
Spirit do the rule making? This is the way Paul says that God wants to change hearts - not by man made laws but via the Holy Spirit through God's grace.
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