Coaching Log 10/10/2005 10 pm

Coaching Request Information:

Marital Status   Married
Gender   Male
Your Age 24
Age Of Your Spouse 21
Would you like to learn how to become a Christian I am a Christian
Is your spouse a Christian   Yes
How many times a month do you go to church   0
How many years have you been married 7 months.
Do you have children Yes.
How many children living at home 1.
Is your spouse unfair to you    Yes.
Are you unfair to your spouse   No.
Does your spouse think you are unfair to them    Yes.
Do you feel angry with your spouse No
Do you feel your spouse is angry with you Yes
What percent of your time together with your spouse is spent arguing 30 percent
Do you like being married Yes
Do you wish you were single again No
Do you want to stay married Yes
Would you ever divorce your spouse No
Would your spouse ever divorce you I Don't Know
MarriageRomance.com may publish all or parts of this coaching session:   Yes

Please describe your situation and problem:

Hello,

I don't know where to begin. My wife and I have been married for about 7 months, after dating for about 6 months. We conceived a child out of wedlock, which I have taken full responsibility. Anyways, my wife is very controlling and very temperamental. I could go on and on with examples, but I will try to keep it short. Last night she went to one of them homemaker parties. I went to bed before she got home and when she got home she started yelling at me. Usually when she yells at me I just don't talk to here because even if I did do something wrong and I apologize for yet, it won't matter until she is ready. Now today she won't talk to me today. We just had our baby a couple of weeks ago, and sometimes she accuses me of never doing anything. I might tell you that I sleep very soundly, partly because I never get enough sleep because if I tried to go to bed before 10 or 11 she has got really mad at me, and partly because I have always been a real deep sleeper and it is hard for me to get up. I work 60 hours a week so she won't have to go back to work and she can finish college. As soon as I get home I ask what I can do to help. Half the time she wants to do it herself because she thinks (and she would admit this very openly) she can do anything better than anybody else can. Anyways I could go on forever, I just don't know what to do. I can't even go to church without her because she would get mad if I left her at home. So I haven't been to church but maybe 5-7 times in the last year because she likes to sleep in. She says she can't go ever go to sleep at night so she has to sleep in so late. All this hasn't occurred since the baby was born, it has been gone on since we have dated. I don't know what to do.  I would never divorce her, I just don't know how long I can stand her running all over, and trying to control me. I hope all this makes sense. I have kind of typed it pretty quickly. I am just so frustrated.


Coaches Response:

Dear Young Husband,

Thank you for contacting MarraigeRomance.com for coaching.  I will try to give you Godly advice and encourage you.

You are in a difficult situation.  I would encourage you to first pray for your wife several times a day.  Ask God to help her relax and enjoy the blessings he has give her in having you as her husband and having the child you share.

I would encourage you to not ignore her when she yells at you.  Instead be loving and kind and try to understand her.  Instead of arguing with her, when you disagree or when you do not understand her, try to think of non-threatening loving ways to ask her questions that will help you understand her and lead her to where you think she should be.  If you need to disagree with her explain your position lovingly and try to praise her decision too and show her how it is similar and compliments your recommendation.  See if you can get her to agree with you.  If it is not important let her do it her way.

Is she going to college?  It appears she is so swamped with college and the young child and with housework that she has become bitter and discouraged.  

Postpartum blues can cause her to be very stressed out to.  She may feel guilty from the pregnancy, as she surely did not want to become pregnant.  She needs to understand that God can forgive her if she asks forgiveness and believes Jesus died for her sins.

I would recommend you sit down and talk with her about her stress level and about what would be the best way to reduce her workload so that she can enjoy being a mother and a wife.  It might be better to postpone finishing college until your child is in school.  

See what your wife would like to do, what changes she would like to make, to relieve this stress that is hurting your family.  

Does she want to be married?  Does she feel trapped?  Does she think she may have married because of the baby?  Don't ask her these questions, because it could blow her feelings out of proportion..  Just be aware that she may be having these feelings.  

You are married now so there is no turning back.  If she is wishing she were not married there is still hope.  God can help her love for you grow.  Love in marriage is earned.  As long as you continue to please her, romance her, and be a good husband and dad, her love for you will continue to grow.  If you are not critical of her and you are not complaining and instead you encourage her and you praise her she will continue to love you more and more.

See if she and you can set some priorities to go to bed early so that you both are not tired and so you can both go to Church on Sunday.  Give up TV and other things that take up your free time.  Instead spend it helping her and talking with her and the child and doing things together.  

See if she will pray with you each night and read a portion of the New Testament with you each evening.  Having devotions after the dishes are down and before your child goes to bed would be good for both of you and for the child.  Try to sing a few hymns or choruses together each night too.  Find a good church that teaches the Bible and is not legalistic.  Bible churches seem to be the best and seem to understand God's Grace more than other denominations.  See if you and your wife can get in a small group Bible study at the church you end up going to.

See if your wife would like to read with you some marriage romance writings from our web site MarriageRomance.com.  

Don't give up on your wife.  She is just stressed out and don't take it personally that she is full of anger.  Continue helping her as much as you can.  

But fix the big picture.  The big picture is that something needs to change in your marriage to relieve her stress.  It would seem the best solution would be for her to stop college and continue later after the child is older.

Another idea is to seek counsel from your Pastor at the church you end up attending.  Also ask your parents and her parents for advice – they may have some good ideas.

But first ask your wife how she would change things to help her be happier.  Explain to her that the coach said it is not normal for a wife to yell at her husband – it shows she is trying to do too much and is stressed out.

I pray she will be willing to seek God's will in her life and I pray God will give you wisdom in making decisions and helping her change to be the wife God wants her to be.

Please write back and let me know your thoughts.  I may have misinterpreted your situation in some ways.

I have prayed for you and her that God will give you both wisdom and bless your marriage.