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Coaching Log 10/15/2005
Marital Status: Married
Gender: Female
Your Age: 42
Age Of Your Spouse: 46
Would you like to learn how to become a Christian? I am a Christian
Is your spouse a Christian? Yes
How many times a month do you go to church? 4+
How many years have you been married? 20.
Do you have children? Yes.
How many children living at home? 4.
Is your spouse unfair to you? Yes.
Are you unfair to your spouse? Yes.
Does your spouse think you are unfair to them? Yes.
Do you feel angry with your spouse? Yes
Do you feel your spouse is angry with you? Yes
What percent of your time together with your spouse is spent arguing? 10 percent
Do you like being married? Yes
Do you wish you were single again? No
Do you want to stay married? Yes
Would you ever divorce your spouse? No
Would your spouse ever divorce you? No
MarriageRomance.com may publish all or parts of this coaching session: Yes
Please describe your situation and problem:
Basically, we are failing to meet each others needs and don't know how to meet the others needs after 20 yrs. of marriage. There has been no sexual intimacy for months, close to a year. We both want to be best friends again and miss what we had.
My husband would love to be with me intimately, but I don't have the desire to be with him. I don't feel close to him any more. I think he would like to feel close to me again also. We have hurt each other emotionally. We are also struggling financially which has an impact on our relationship.
We both have a relationship with God, however, it is also lacking. We know our relationship w/ Him is important and we try to stay in touch.
I guess we need help with learning how to be close again, forgiving each other, and how to regain our friendship so that the intimacy will return and we can be stronger in our relationship.
Coaches Response:
Thanks so much for contacting MarriageRomance.com for coaching. I apologize for taking so long to get back with you.
I have read your coaching info and would like to offer you encouragement and Godly advice.
You mentioned that you are both Christians. Praise God! You probably already do this but just in case you have gotten out of the habit, I would encourage you to pray each night together as a couple and ask God to bring you closer to each other.
You mentioned some emotional hurts that over the years have weakened your relationship. I like to suggest to couples that they make a list of things you wish each other would change and things you both disagree on. Sit down together and go over the list and each of you talk about how you would like to change to please the other. And on the things you disagree on, decide to compromise and agree. The Bible teaches that “How can two walk together, except they be agreed”.
If you can't agree on something you are welcome to send me a list of things you can not agree on and I'd be happy to tell you what I think the Bible has to say about them. I can't tell you what color to agree on, to paint the new bathroom. But I can give you Godly advice on moral issues. Since we live under grace by faith, the rule of thumb is that if the Bible does not condemn something, and it is not dangerous or harmful or illegal, and it is helpful to your spouse, then it should be fine to do it. The Bible does condemn watching things that are immoral or promote or condone immorality or take God's name in vain.
Each week go over the list together and mark off things that the other has changed or things that are not important anymore. Mark off things that you both agree on now too. Add things new things that you want the other to change and new things you disagree on. Talk about how to change for each other and compromise to agree on things.
Each week go over the list until all the things are gone from the list. You will be deeply in love by then. Only God can help you do this so pray together each night and ask God to help you forgive each other and resolve your differences.
You mentioned, "My husband would love to be with me intimately, but I don't have the desire to be with him. I don't feel close to him any more."
Did you know that the primarly way we can show God that we believe in Jesus is by loving others and especially our spouse? Paul said in I Corinthians 7:5, “Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control.”
What happens in many marriages is that when there are arguments or conflict in the marriage, couples do withhold sex from each other, or else they give sex to each other without enjoying it and it ends up ruining the close love relationship. And in Christian marriages, the marriage relationship ends up being held together based on faith in God alone, instead of a combination of faith in God coupled with a strong friendship and strong sexual bonds.
You know you should give your husband intimacy, but you don't feel like it. You just need to give it to him based on faith in God and let the feelings and emotions follow. But we do have some help for you. If you would ask your husband to print some of our marriage love stores from MarriageRomance.com and then you would read them with him in bed while he caresses you, you may find they cause you to become aroused and cause you to desire sex with your husband. We plan on having video DVDs avaiable in the future that would be even more arousing for married couples to use in situations like yours.
Once you begin to enjoy intimacy with your husband, you will need the stories less and less. Many of the stories are very erotic and will help get you in the mood for your husband.
And the less erotic stories can also help you be thankful for each other. The more you read them, the more you begin to appreciate being married and appreciate your spouse.
Even more important though is your perspective on life. It seems like you both love the Lord. You have 4 children living at home. You are both reaching that time of your life where you might be tempted to have a mid life crisis. This is a feeling of, "Wow, life is about to be over, and what have I accomplished? The kids are going to all be gone and it's just going to be the two of us, and wow we have been so busy we aren't even friends anymore and because of that it's going to be lonely and wow, it's sad it's almost over." It's hard to describe the feelings we have at that age, but I went through them and they were something like that. You come to the realization that life is short, and that it is almost over.
We have to ask ourselves, "Why are we here on earth?" We are here to be in fellowship with our spouse first, and our family second, and others fourth and God fifth? Why do I put them in that order? Because over and over, God says that if our relationships with others are not good, then it is impossible for our relationship with him to be good.
We are to "Love the Lord our God with all our heart, and our neighbor as ourself", but if we don't love others first, God says we are not fit to be in fellowship with him. So many Christians go through life worshipping God and thinking they are pleasing God because they go to church and read their Bible and pray, but they have bad relationships with others because of their own sinful selfish expectations that others don't live up to.
So first, we need to recognize that if we hold bitterness towards others, that we can't please God. We can be forgiven, but if we don't please God, we don't feel good inside.
We need to feel good inside, it's called feeling God's peace. To feel good inside we need to mend our relationships with others.
Next we need to reevaluate our purpose for being here on earth. We need to recognize that God wants us to minister to others by showing his love to them - especially our own family and spouse. A mother with 4 children at home should feel very good about her mission as she serves God by serving her spouse and children. She doesn't have enough time to reach out much beyond the walls of her house or the church or beyond the church. Sometimes she may get too involved outside the home and her family will suffer. But maybe the family could go on a missions trip together as a way to serve God. Or maybe the family could volunteer one day of the month at the local mission serving food. Faith without works is nothing. But working at home as a mom is not nothing - it is "works" - big time "works"! But even so if the family, together could once a month find some way to reach outside the home, outside the church to serve the lost or the poor it is a blessing.
Once the kids are gone from the house, we need to find a meaningful way, as a couple, to serve God and tell others about Christ. Maybe taking a missions trip with your spouse and family would be a good idea. Or maybe serving together down at the local mission would be good. Some way we need to reach out beyond the walls of the church and reach the hurting, the poor, or the lost with the Gospel of Jesus Christ in order to feel good about ourselves.
You really get a good feeling when you serve God in a meaningful way. But remember during the years of raising kids - raising the kids and ministering to your husband is serving God in a meangful way.
If you feel good about your relationship with your spouse and with your family and friends, you should feel good about your relationship with Christ, because good relationships with others is a requirement for having a good relationship with God.
Then continue to be involved in Church and study the Bible and pray together as a couple.
But recognize that God has put you here on earth to be a minister, to minister to the needs of your spouse and your family and and others and to spread the good news of Jesus Christ.
Sit down with your spouse and ask yourselves, "Do we have a plan to serve God together as a couple or as a family?" If you don't, come up with a plan. You don't have to keep the plan, just brainstorm together on how God could use you as a family or as a couple to change the world for him.
Once your perspective on life is eternal, you will be more likely to be able to forgive each other and agree on things.
You mentioned, "I guess we need help with learning how to be close again, forgiving each other, and how to regain our friendship so that the intimacy will return and we can be stronger in our relationship."
What do you want in the way of romance and friendship from your husband? If the problem is your hurts and disagreements, then after you make the list and work through the issues together, you should feel pretty close to your husband.
Beyond, that what would you like to see? A vacation away together? More romance on the weekends?
What would your husband like? Ask him and work out some plans for some exciting things to do together.
It sounds like you all are so close to being where God wants you to be, but yet so far too. You haven't had intimacy for almost a year? Wow, you need to realize you are breaking God's heart and not just your husband's heart. God wants so much for married couples to be close together in fellowship and sex is the culmination of that intimacy. Paul made it clear that husbands and wives should have sex regulary. When they don't they have problems in other areas because they don't feel close to each other. I hope you will try our marriage love stories and see if they help you have feelings for your husband.
You seem to be such a sweet person. You have been so honest and you have been willing to share your concerns with others.
I pray God will give you wisdom and help you to see your husband through His eyes and that God will help you both talk about and work out your differences and give you a strong friendship love and sexual love for your husband.
I pray for you and your husband and children - that God will bless you as you continue to seek His will in your lives.
Sincerely,
MR Coach
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