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Why Do Husbands And Wives Fight?
Husbands and wives fight because one wants one thing and the other wants something else.
God knows this. God said in James Chapter 4 verses 1 to 4 , “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.”
These verses can teach us a lot about how to live a happy marriage.
First we learn that fights in a marriage come from “desires that battle within us.” James goes on to explain what he means. He says, “You want something but don't get it. … You quarrel and fight.”
We all have our list of expectations. And when they don't get met we become angry with our spouse. But we need to ask ourselves, why do we expect the things we do from our spouse? If we will admit it, most of our lists of expectations are geared to give us more time for leisure more time for our own pleasures.
James goes on to say, “When you ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” Again, James hits it on the nail. Most of our expectations from our spouse are selfishly motivated.
So what should we expect from our spouse? Is it sin to expect equal free time off, time to recreate, time to chill out and watch TV and veg out?
James goes on to say, “You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.”
Are these things we want time to do, “friendship with the world”? Or do we simply need rest. Or is it our spouse who is wasting all their time in the “things of the world”.
It all depends on our perspective, our attitude.
Earlier in his letter, in verse 2:8 James said, "If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, "Love your neighbor as yourself," you are doing right."
If we truly are loving our spouse as ourself, we will be interested in our spouse's spiritual well being. So if our spouse is being selfish with their time and the resources of the family and they are “loving the world and the things of the world”, it should make us sad. But it shouldn't make us mad.
And two wrongs don't make a right. Just because our spouse is “an enemy of God” because they are “friends of the world” and they “love the world” (1 John 2:15); this doesn't give you an excuse to love the things of the world too.
Instead you should focus on living for God yourself and looking at yourself as a minister of the Gospel to your spouse.
You are one with your spouse. Focus on growing your oneness. Focus on romance with your spouse and having regular sex and enjoying your spouse sexually. The stronger your relationship is with your spouse, the more easily they will see that they are being selfish and not helping meet your expectations.
When you are close to your spouse, when your relationship is solid, that is the best time to ask your spouse in loving ways to change to meet your expectations.
Go over your list of expectations and remove the things that fall into the category “desires that battle within you'. Things that are for self gratification.
Remember Paul said in I Corinthians 7:5, “Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control.”
Your oneness with your spouse pivots on your intimacy with your spouse. Take time to have romance and sex together. And do what it takes to make it enjoyable for both you and your spouse.
Pray that God will give you wisdom to be able to minister effectively to your spouse. Pray that God will give your spouse wisdom to be able to minister effectively to you.
And let's not forget God. James says, “You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.”
Here James echoes what John says in 1 John 2:15 and 16, "Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world."
So all the things we love to do, that dominate our time, are hatred towards God? So if we love things of the world, like golf, sailing, hunting, watching TV, sports, etc, these things we love in the world; they show we don't love God?
Yes, if what we like to do so much, if where we like to spend our free time, is not helping us to be better servants of Christ, then it is taking us away from what God wants us to be doing – it is an enemy of God. God wants us to be actively serving our family and others and spreading the Gospel. (faith without works is nothing – James 2:14)
All we do should be to better equip us to serve God so we can better minister to our family and others and spread the Gospel.
One of the only areas we can have lots of fun in and know that we are not being an enemy of God, is in our marriage love life. This pleasure area is the only God ordained area that we can invest a lot of time in and enjoy. Because we are told in the scriptures to enjoy our spouse. The reason is that when we are intimate with our spouse it builds a stronger marriage, which better equips us to serve God because our sexual and emotional needs are met.
Once we have an eternal perspective and understand God's Grace which is that Christ died for our sins and that now we don't live under the Old Testament law, instead we live as bondservants of Christ, devoted to furthering Christ's kingdom, and that the only law we live under is to “Love the Lord our God with all our heart and our neighbor as ourself,” and that if we live under that law, then “all things are permissible but not all things are profitable” and so we will choose to not do things that we know are not profitable – things that do not help us be better equipped to serve God, and that sex in marriage is very important, and so we will find ways to enjoy sex with our spouse, and in this way we will meet our spouses needs and live to please our spouse and to please God and we won't let our emotions control us and destroy the intimate relationship we have with our spouse, when our spouse does not meet our expectations. And because of the regular strong intimacy we share with our spouse, we will be emotionally and sexually fulfilled so that we can better serve God and others.
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