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Coaching Log - 11/14/2005
Marital Status: Married
Gender: Male
Your Age: 28
Age Of Your Spouse: 41
Would you like to learn how to become a Christian? I am a Christian
Is your spouse a Christian? Yes
How many times a month do you go to church? 4
How many years have you been married? 2.
Do you have children? Yes.
How many children living at home? 0.
Is your spouse unfair to you? Yes.
Are you unfair to your spouse? No.
Does your spouse think you are unfair to them? Yes.
Do you feel angry with your spouse? No
Do you feel your spouse is angry with you? Yes
What percent of your time together with your spouse is spent arguing?
70 percent
Do you like being married? Yes
Do you wish you were single again? No
Do you want to stay married? Yes
Would you ever divorce your spouse? No
Would your spouse ever divorce you? Yes
MarriageRomance.com may publish all or parts of this coaching session: Yes
(Excluding names of coach and coachee)
Please describe your situation and problem:
My wife and i have been together for 3 years and nothing is important to her. Not life,not marriage,not commitment, not dates, nothing. We always fight about her flirting with other men and she will not admit that she does even when i see her. She has been married four times now and every since we met she says she is sick of trying and doesn't think it takes work to make it last. Most of all, she doesn't want to talk about the good times we have had in the past. She doesn't even want to live anymore and when i tell her somethings bothering me, she says i shouldn't have married her then, I really love my wife and i don't want to give up on it. Please help me and my wife, I can't stand anymore of this negative treatment from her.
Coaches Response:
Thank you for contacting MarriageRomance.com for coaching. I have read your coaching request and would like to encourage you and give you Godly advice.
You mention your wife flirts. You also mentioned that she is not interested in life, marriage, commitment, dates or anything. And you mentioned she has been married four times before.
You mentioned that when you tell her something is bothering you, she says you shouldn't have married her.
It seems she is in a depressed state and she doesn't have any hope of getting out of it. It seems she has given up on a happy marriage - possibly since she has been through four before.
The fact that she tells you you shouldn't have married her, when you try and talk to her about issues, shows that she is being very self-centered.
Her only hope is to understand God's grace and God's free gift of salvation and to see that life is not about "her" but about living for God and serving others - (including you - her husband). Until she stops focusing so much on herself, she will continue to be self centered and not caring of those who need her the most.
I would suggest you develop a relationship with God through Jesus Christ and in so doing become less dependent on her, and yet God will then give you the love for her, to be able to love her unconditionally so that she sees something in your that she wants - a joy, a peace, a patience and love for her - that only God can give.
Once you recognize that life is simply a testing ground for eternity, and that God could not let us into heaven because God is perfect and we are not, but that God sent his Son Jesus who was perfect, to die in our place for our sins; once you understand this, and believe this and are thankful to Jesus for this, then God the Holy Spirit will come into your life and you will begin to develop a relationship with God by studing the Bible and praying, and you will realize that living for God is all that matters in your life, and that showing your wife God's unconditional love is her only hope, then you will recognize that the way she now acts, is normal for an unsaved selfish person and that God can use you to change her by showing her unconditional love.
When you show her unconditional love, this means you will not be offended or hurt or feel jealous when she flirts with other guys and you will accept her the way she is and simply try to help her and care about and for her. She will notice that you are a happy person and that you seem to care for her even though she knows she doesn't deserve your love. And the Holy Spirit will use your loving conduct to melt her heart and help her to begin to love you. Apart from God's love, love is earned. As you show her love, you will earn her love. Once you have earned her love she will change.
But to earn her love it takes supernatural love for her, supernatural patience, which is only possible through a relationship with God the Father through Jesus God's Son.
If you want to know more about this please write back.
I have prayed for you and your wife that God will help you know how to minister to her and that God will help her change.
God Bless,
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