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Coaching Log 1/10/2006
Marital Status: Married
Gender: Male
Your Age: 47
Age Of Your Spouse:
Would you like to learn how to become a Christian? I am a Christian
Is your spouse a Christian? Yes
How many times a month do you go to church? 4
How many years have you been married? 19.
Do you have children? Yes.
How many children living at home? 3.
Is your spouse unfair to you? Yes.
Are you unfair to your spouse? Yes.
Does your spouse think you are unfair to them? Yes.
Do you feel angry with your spouse? Yes
Do you feel your spouse is angry with you? Yes
What percent of your time together with your spouse is spent arguing?
30 percent
Do you like being married? Yes
Do you wish you were single again? No
Do you want to stay married? Yes
Would you ever divorce your spouse? No
Would your spouse ever divorce you? Yes
MarriageRomance.com may publish all or parts of this coaching session: Yes
Please describe your situation and problem:
I have battled with pornography since before we were married. I put my wife
through hell 12 years ago when I had to reveal to her that I had seen
prostitutes, visited strip joints, used pornography and racked up a big
bill. With great prodding initially I have participated in all sorts of
programs to be an over comer. Over the past 5 or 6 years I have seen great
results. I would go 6 months, 9 months and as long a 18 months without
using pornography. I have not gone to a strip joint or been with another
women in 12 years. My wife however sees me as the same old husband. We have a
sort of co-dependant thing going on. I am the source of the problems and
she is the righteous one. I have tried to get her to go to counseling with
me but she resists. It seems that if an independent party were there she
would have to own up to her own stuff. She denies saying and doing things
and accuses me of all sorts of stuff. She is very controlling. If she is
not getting her way she makes life miserable. Recently, a seemingly minor thing, she was upset that I went to the grocery store to get a pound of hamburger. When she and the
kids are gone for dinner I delight on occasion of making myself a one-pound
hamburger, no bun, and eat it with ketchup. She gets upset because we have
frozen hamburger patties in the freezer. Have you ever tried to cook a 1/4"
frozen hamburger patty medium rare? She is very much into organic cooking
and wants to know the cow personally. She claims that the reason why the
business credit card is at a $5,000 deficit is my over spending on junk like
hamburger, pop and candy. I went over the credit card receipts over the
past 5 months and totaled a whopping $181 in "junk". That equates to about
1.21/day. I also did some research and noted that we spend over $100 per
month on "dance" related stuff. My wife considers herself a "worship
dancer". She says it is a call on her life and I have "a black heart" for
even bringing up how much she spends on dance. We attend a church nearly 2 hours away because they dance and the worship is "deep". What do you think it cost
to travel 4 hours round trip every Sunday not to mention special trips. In
essence my expenses are worthless and her's are God ordained. We have
attended nearly 11 churches in the past 7 years. From what I see she ends
up in some conflict with the leadership and "the Lord moves us on". I have
one credit card which I use for everything.
Coaches Response:
Thank you for contacting MarriageRomance.com for coaching. I am not a professional counselor but rather a concerned Christian brother who would like to encourage you and give you Godly advice.
I have read your description of your marriage situation and I understand where you are coming from.
First I want to congratulate you for having self-control over your temptation to look at porn and cheat on your wife. She has forgiven you much and so I hope you are very thankful to her. But it has been 12 years ago and by now it appears you wish she would have forgiven you and you would have earned her trust and love.
Your wife most likely will be very surprised when she gets to heaven. So often people get caught up in self-righteousness s and unfortunately God despises the self-righteous. Being humble and not “esteeming ourselves higher than we ought” is very important in our walk with God. God resists the proud and gives Grace to the humble.
When Jesus prayed the Lords prayer He said, “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” Jesus was not making idle speech, for all throughout the New Testament God makes it clear that if we don't love others, we don't love God.
And those we should love the most are those in our family; our spouse and our children. And in I Corinthians 13 to 8, Paul says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
I'm sure this is the reason you humor your wife, because you love her. Sometimes all you can do is pray for those who lack maturity in the Lord. But God knows who is humble, who is willing to compromise to keep the peace in the family. And God will reward you, if not now, then in heaven.
According to the Bible you are the leader in the family and so your wife should submit to your leadership. So you could insist on going to a church closer to home. But this may cause great problems in your marriage if she could not “dance”. It appears her self-esteem; even her identity is dependent on her getting attention from her “dance”. There is one easy way to tell if we are doing something that is taking the place of God. And that is, “giving it up.” If we can't give something up, then it is our God.
I coach people on the Internet as a way of serving God. But if my wife insisted that I was spending too much time and she insisted that I do something else to serve God and I refused, then it is a sure sign I am coaching on the Internet not to serve God but for my personal glory.
So your wife should be willing to give up her dancing in order to go to a church closer to home. If she is not willing to give it up then she is in the wrong.
Something else you should consider is setting up a budget. A budget will help your wife control her spending and help reduce the debt on the credit cards. A sure sign of covetousness is when someone buys something they do not need with borrowed money.
Coveting material possessions is as bad as coveting a picture of a naked woman. For it is more likely for a person to buy something they covet and thus sin, then to covet a woman in a picture. Why?
Because the Biblical standard for coveting is the same for material possessions as it is for a picture. When you covet something you become so obsessed with it that you have to have it or else you become discontent with what you have.
The standard for determining coveting which is also referred to as “lust” in the New Testament is found in the Tenth Commandment in Exodus 20:17 RSV where it says, "You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant, or his maidservant, or his ox, or his butt, or anything that is your neighbor's."
So you might consider explaining to your family that shopping is usually covetousness, when you buy things you do not need. And especially when you buy them with borrowed money.
As Christians we are supposed to be using all our time and money to first take care of our needs and then to further Christ's Kingdom. The way we show God we love him is by loving others and by helping the needy and hurting and by telling others about Him. We study our Bible to learn what is important to God so that we can carry out His will here on earth.
So when we spend money we should think about what is the best use of God's resources. When we spend $50 eating out we should remember that we could support a native Pastor in India or South America for a month or we could feed some orphans with that same money. Or maybe we should save it for retirement so that others will not need to support us in our old age. But squandering it on clothes and things we will sell at a garage sale next year is usually the result of impulsive buying rooted in covetousness.
Americas big sin is not lust it is materialism, it is not coveting sex, it is coveting possessions. Coveting possessions is such a big sin it is not even condemned in most churches. And it is not OUR money we are squandering, but rather GOD'S money. Those are dollars that could have been used to help the poor, the hurting and send missionaries and support Pastors.
The more I study Jesus parables about the Kingdom of Heaven the more I am convinced that when we get to heaven God will be very disappointed with the organized church for misusing His resources, for not reaching out beyond the walls of the church.
But there I go being self-righteous and judging others. Please forgive me God and I apologize to all. My responsibility is just to do what I think God wants me to do and to study God's word to make sure what I think God wants me to do is actually what the Bible says I should do.
Well brother, I pray that you will have wisdom in dealing with your wife. I pray she will mature and that she will recognize you as a spiritual equal and the spiritual leader of your family. I pray that you will continue to have self-control in this area of sexual matters. I know you love her and it means a lot to her to get the attention she gets when she dances. So I pray you will be able to find a church close to home where she can dance.
And I pray she will be less controlling in general and as an example, let you make your hamburger. I pray God will continue to bless your marriage as you both seek God's will in your lives!
Blessings
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