|
Coaching Log 1/12/2006
Marritial Status: Married
Gender: Female
Your Age: 32
Age Of Your Spouse: 31
Would you like to learn how to become a Christian? Yes
Is your spouse a Christian? No
How many times a month do you go to church? 0
How many years have you been married? 5.
Do you have children? Yes.
How many children living at home? 1.
Is your spouse unfair to you? Yes.
Are you unfair to your spouse? Yes.
Does your spouse think you are unfair to them? Yes.
Do you feel angry with your spouse? Yes
Do you feel your spouse is angry with you? Yes
What percent of your time together with your spouse is spent arguing?
70 percent
Do you like being married? Yes
Do you wish you were single again? No
Do you want to stay married? Yes
Would you ever divorce your spouse? No
Would your spouse ever divorce you? I Don't Know
MarriageRomance.com may publish all or parts of this coaching session: Yes
Please describe your situation and problem:
hi well 8 months ago i was working a as a bartender and i ended up having a
affair on my husnand of 5 years becaus ei felt sad and depressed all the
time. i never asked him for forgiveness although i asked god for
forgiveness. he dedcided he wned to work on out marriage and both of us get
help. well since that incedent happened i have done what he asked me to do.
but on the other hand i find myself not trusting him due to signs pointing.
i feel i deserve everything but of course i feel like he doesn;t love me and
that i am just here for our son. we still argue all the time and go behind
eachother back on the computer tec. i rarely go on the computer much i
changed my lifestyle i changed jobs and he still makes me feel bad about the
situation. everyday he says things that are hurtful to me like bringing up
the past and calling me names i want to leave but love him atthe same time
so it's hard. i commited a sin and repented before god i believe god forgave
me but i somehow can not fogive myself for whati have done. the devil go a hold of me and i
made bad decisions that made things hard for me.i know that this is hard for
him but i just don't know what more to do to keep this marriage together. i
don't belive in divorce but if looks like it may go that way.
we have been together for 6 years but married for 5 and have a 5 year old
son.and i believe this is effection him in many ways. we can nor efford
couseling so i am trying to get help some other ways. any information you
can help me with .
thanks
Editors Response:
Thank you for contacting MarriageRomance.com for coaching. I will try and encourage you and give you Godly advice.
I read your description of your marriage situation. I know it is difficult living in a situation where the husband and wife do not feel deeply in love. But God can help you and your husband and heal your relationship so that in five years from now you will be more in love than you ever were before.
While God could wave is magic wand over you two and make you madly in love and happy together, God has chosen to not do that. Instead He tells us how we can live to so that we love each other and end up madly in love, and then God lets us decide if we want to do it or not.
You mentioned you and your husband argue 70 percent of the time. I also noticed that you are interested in knowing how to become a Christian.
Please let me show you how becoming a Christian could save your marriage.
While you were dating you probably did not argue much at all. What changed? What changed was that while you were dating you each had a strong motivation to be unselfish and loving. That motivation was to win the heart of each other.
What happens when you treat someone with love; when you are kind to them and you are happy around them, you respect them and you do things to please them? What happens is that they begin to like you. That like it when you are around. You make them feel good because you say good things about them and they can see from the way you act and the things you say that you really like them.
So what do we call this phenomena that people like you when you like them? The Bible says that the way you treat other people is the way they will treat you. The Bible also says to treat other people the way you want to be treated. This is the golden rule.
In a marriage I like to describe this relationship of love as “Love Is Earned.” Love in a marriage is earned. So if your spouse does not seem to like you, you have to give them love in order to get it back. You have to earn love in order to get love.
But how do you love your spouse when you don't like them? When they have been mean to you and they continue to be mean to you?
There is a kind of love that a person can have that just overflows from within them. Usually this kind of love comes from a person who feels so loved that they want to love others. Maybe they have a family that is so nice to them, or a husband that is so nice to them, that they just are happy and are happy towards others. Or maybe they just got a raise or just won the lottery and so they are so happy that they are happy towards others. But even these people have their limits. Even happy people can turn angry if their circumstance turn bad or if someone treats them wrong.
There is another kind of love that a person can have that just overflows from within them and it seldom runs dry. It is a love that a person has for others because they are so thankful to God for all God has done for them. I call this kind of love “Gods Love.”
This kind of love sees through people when people treat them wrong. This kind of love sees that usually when someone treats them wrong, it is because that person is hurting and needs love. A husband and wife each need God's love in order to develop a happy deep loving relationship.
So how can a husband and wife get God's love? There is only one way I know of. First they need to admit to God that they are sinners and deserve to go to hell when they die. Next they need to believe that God decided that if his son Jesus would leave His power in heaven and come down to earth and be born a baby and live a perfect life, and if Jesus would be willing to die and go to hell instead for us, then God would forgive us for our sins and let us go to heaven.
God's son Jesus decided He would do that to save the human race from eternal punishment in hell. So Jesus did come down and was born and He lived a perfect life until he was around 33 years old, when the Jews and Romans killed him. When Jesus died the Bible says that for 3 days Jesus did go to hell as punishment for our sins.
Jesus loved us so much that He died and took the punishment for our sins so that when we die we will go to heaven for eternity. Eternity is a long time.
Almost as important is the example Jesus set for us. He loved people so much he went around healing them and comforting them and even feeding them. He taught us to turn the other cheek when we are mistreated. His most important teaching was that we should “Love the Lord our God with all our hearts and our neighbor as our self.”
The Bible also teaches that when we believe that Jesus died for our sins, not only are we saved from going to hell, but also God The Holy Spirit comes and lives in us. God The Holy Spirit works through our mind and conscience to help us love God and love others.
And when someone believes that Jesus died for his or her sins they become very thankful to God and to Jesus for doing this. This thankfulness is what motivates them to has this overflowing love for others. See God says in the Bible that if you love Him you will love others too. And so even if we don't feel like loving others, we are motivated to love others because God wants us to. And we want to please God because we are so thankful to God for all God has down for us – especially saving us from hell. This thankfulness to God also motivates us to tell others about God and to read the bible to find out more about God and to go to church to learn about God and be with others who love God.
One misconception about being a Christian is that some people think that if you are a Christian you have to keep a set of rules. This is not true. Paul said, “All things are permissible but not all things are profitable.” Of course we need to keep the rules of the country we live in and the rules that God sets out in the bible, such as not murdering, not committing adultery, not coveting things that are not ours etc. The rules God wants us to keep are rules that make common sense when we are loving others. Several times in the New Testament the Bible says that all we really need to do is “Love God with all our heart and our neighbor as our self.” The Bible teaches that all the laws can be summed up with that one law, “Love God and love others.”
So God leaves things like social drinking, smoking and dancing up to our conscience. If they are “profitable” – if they help us “love God and others better” then they are ok. If they are not “profitable”, if they hurt us or hurt others then we notice this because we care about our self and we care about others and so we will want to cut back. So Christians don't live by rules, but rather one principle – “Love God with all your heart and love others the way you love yourself.”
Now if a husband and wife both believe in Jesus and they both are committed to loving each other, then they will have this love that overflows for each other. They will care about each other and not be rude and criticize each other. They will forgive each other because it is easier to forgive others when you know God Almighty has forgiven you.
I hope and pray that you and your husband will believe in Jesus and ask Jesus to give you love for each other. If you will together read the writings on MarriageRomance.com in the “Spiritual Growth” and “Marriage” and “Christian Marriage” sections I believe God will turn your marriage around and help you both fall deeply in love with each other again!
If you and your husband would say this prayer you will be saved. “Dear God, Please forgive me for all the many times I have been selfish and unkind and have not lived up to your perfect standards, dear God. I know I deserve to go to hell when I die. Please dear God, I believe that you sent your son Jesus to die in my place and I believe Jesus did come to earth and that he died for me. I ask you God to forgive me for my sins and let me go to heaven. God I am thankful to You and to Jesus for saving me from eternal hell. God I want to live a life that shows you that I am thankful to You and I want to show you I am thankful by loving others the way you have loved me. Please dear God, please heal our marriage. Please change our hearts. Please help us love each other and help us forgive each other and help us not be critical of each other. I want so much God to be loving and kind they way you want me to be. Please dear God I beg. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.”
If you said this prayer I am so happy for you! I am so happy I know God will bless you. Now that you have started seeking God's will in your life, please don't give up. Listen or read the writings about marriage on this site and I would encourage you to start reading the New Testament together and start going to a Bible teaching church.
I pray God will bless your marriage and please write back.
|
|