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Coaching Log 1/27/2006
Marital Status: Married
Gender: Female
Your Age: 27
Age Of Your Spouse: 27
Would you like to learn how to become a Christian? I am a Christian
Is your spouse a Christian? No
How many times a month do you go to church? 0
How many years have you been married? 5.
Do you have children? Yes.
How many children living at home? 1.
Is your spouse unfair to you? Yes.
Are you unfair to your spouse? Yes.
Does your spouse think you are unfair to them? Yes.
Do you feel angry with your spouse? Yes
Do you feel your spouse is angry with you? Yes
What percent of your time together with your spouse is spent arguing?
70 percent
Do you like being married? Yes
Do you wish you were single again? No
Do you want to stay married? Yes
Would you ever divorce your spouse? No
Would your spouse ever divorce you? I Don't Know
MarriageRomance.com may publish all or parts of this coaching session: Yes
Please describe your situation and problem:
Constant arguing about money and his habits, he likes to run around all hours, without me. Lies, past issues.
Thank you for contacting MarriageRomance.com for coaching. I will try and encourage you and give you Godly advice.
I read your description of your situation and feel for you and your child.
It is so sad that he is acting this way with you. Has he just started acting like this? Or did he gradually get this way? You have been married 5 years. After how many years did he get this way?
Did something happen in his life that caused him to begin acting like this?
Love in a marriage is earned.
Why is it, that when a married couple is deeply in love, they don't argue much?
One reason is because they are unselfish towards each other. They each try to please each other.
Another reason married couples do not argue much when they are deeply in love, is because they love each other so much, that they overlook faults that their mate has because they know their spouse is so good. When you feel your spouse really loves you and you feel your spouse tries hard to please you, you find it easy to forgive your spouse if they do something wrong.
Another reason married couples do not argue much when they are deeply in love, is because they give their spouse the benefit of any doubt because they love their spouse so much and so they don't even notice some things when they are deeply in love, and if they were not in love those things would bother them. Or they may think those things are cute when they are deeply in love, and they may find those same things annoying when they are not in love.
But how does a married couple stay deeply in love so that they don't argue much?
When a couple is engaged they usually are deeply in love.
Feeling deeply in love is a state of mind. It is a perspective. It is a feeling, an emotion.
What happens in many marriages is that the newly wed couple starts their marriage deeply in love. Then they begin expecting things from each other. When their expectations don't get met, they begin to be demanding of their spouse. Or they may just not feel loved by their spouse. When they complain to their spouse, their spouse begins to feel they don't love them any more. Their spouse may begin to complain too, about expecations that they have not met.
Slowly they drift apart and begin living selfish lives and they begin not caring for each other as much and they begin taking each other for granted and they begin not appreciating their spouse. Because their spouse is acting the same way, they begin to not feel appreciated and they begin to not feel loved. Since they feel like they are being neglected by their spouse they begin to not be nice to their spouse and so they begin to not overlook their spouse's faults and they begin to be bothered by the some things their spouse does and they end up arguing a lot.
Once a married couple argues a lot, they each may begin to do things that are selfish, like stay out late, and like not take their spouse with them. In a marriage like this, the husband and wife want to love their spouse, but they don't feel their spouse deserves their love.
But a terrible marriage like this, may be more of a standoff than a bad marriage. Each person in the marriage wants the other to change first. Neither one wants to be the first to show the other unconditional love. Each feels their spouse does not deserve to be loved unconditionally, because of the way their spouse has acted in the past.
You and your husband appear to be in this catch-22 loop. Each of you may be waiting for the other one to change, before you begin to give the other unconditional love and acceptance. You want your husband to change and your spouse may want you to change too.
How about this idea?
Would you and your spouse each sit down and write on a list, all of the things you wish the other would change. On that same list, write down what actions your spouse needs to take to change for you to make you happy.
Write on another list all of the things in your marriage that you feel your spouse disagrees with you on.
Write on another list all the things your spouse has done to you in the past that is still hurting you and that you find it difficult to forgive them for. Include on this list for each item, what your spouse could do to help you get over your hurt and help you be able to forgive and forget this event of the past.
Then sit down together and read your three lists to each other.
When you discuss the items from your first lists, consider doing the things your spouse wants you to do to make them happy. The Bible teaches that the way you show God that you love Him, is by loving others. Love your spouse enough to be willing to change for them.
When you discuss the items on your second lists, commit to compromise with each other so that you both agree on everything. The Bible says, "How can two walk together, except they be agreed."
When you discuss the items on the third list, ask your spouse for forgiveness for the things you have done in the past that are still hurting them, show your spouse you really care and you really feel bad that you hurt them and that you would not do it again, and then consider doing the things your spouse suggests you do, to help them get over their pain.
When God enters into the marriage equation, God changes things. Why? Because God instructs people to love each other unconditionally. God says that if we can't love our spouse unconditionally, we don't love Him.
When a spouse loves the other unconditionally, they earn love back from their spouse. Their spouse feels good from being loved and so their spouse is more likely to reciprocate with love. The Bible describes this principle as, "Whatsoever you sow, that shall you also reap." If you sow love you will reap love. If you give love, you will get love back.
So in a Christian marriage where the husband and wife both love each other unconditionally, this love makes the marriage stronger than it would be otherwise, because when in a non-Christian marriage the couple might be arguing, in the Christian marriage, because they give each other unconditional love, this love breeds love, it promotes love, it causes the spouse to feel loved and reciprocate with love. And when you feel loved, you end up forgiving your spouse easier, you end up overlooking more faults, you end up loving your spouse back more.
I noticed from your questionnaire that your spouse is not a Christian. I noticed also that you are a Christian but that you do not go to church.
I would encourage you to begin going to church and learning about how God loves you. I would encourage you to see if your husband would go to church with you and with your child.
Without being a Christian, it is difficult to change a man. Many substance abuse programs and rehab programs have discovered this. They have discovered that people don't change much unless they get saved and ask Jesus to forgive them for their sins and ask Jesus to help them change.
Your husband has to want more out of life than what he is getting now. If your husband is content the way he is, then he will not change.
What you can do is develop your relationship with God so that you can give him unconditional love. You can pray for him each day that God will help him want to change. You can show him unconditional love, God's love, by not arguing with him and not criticizing him. But you can't do this on your own. You need to find a good church that teaches the Bible and you need to join a small group Bible study so that you will have some Christian friends that can encourage you and pray for you and your husband. See if your husband will go to the small group Bible study with you.
God can change your husband. But first God has to change you. Make sure your relationship with God is secure. Ask God to forgive you for not giving your husband unconditional love, for not forgiving him, for criticizing him. Ask God to help you accept your husband the way he is and help you love him the way he is. Ask God to change him in God's own timing. Tell God that you decided to marry your husband and your are going to love him for "better or for worse, until death do us part."
Start reading the New Testament each day so that God's Holy Spirit can begin to change your mind, change your nature and turn you into the loving wife God wants you to be.
Remember it takes two to argue. If you will not criticize your husband and be happy in the Lord, God will soften your husband's heart and help him change. Your husband will want what you have. He will ask you what happened to you. He will want to become a Christian too.
I pray God will give you the strength and the wisdom to seek Him in your life. I pray your husband will seek God too and that God will change both of your hearts so that you both love each other and you love others and most of all, you love God.
God Bless you,
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