|
Coaching Log 2/11/2006
Marital Status: Seperated
Gender: Female
Your Age: 29
Age Of Your Spouse: 33
Would you like to learn how to become a Christian? I am a Christian
Is your spouse a Christian? Yes
How many times a month do you go to church? 4-5
How many years have you been married? .
Do you have children? Yes.
How many children living at home? 1.
Is your spouse unfair to you? Yes.
Are you unfair to your spouse? No.
Does your spouse think you are unfair to them? Yes.
Do you feel angry with your spouse? Yes
Do you feel your spouse is angry with you? Yes
What percent of your time together with your spouse is spent arguing?
10 percent
Do you like being married? Yes
Do you wish you were single again? No
Do you want to stay married? Yes
Would you ever divorce your spouse? Yes
Would your spouse ever divorce you? Yes
MarriageRomance.com may publish all or parts of this coaching session: Yes
Please describe your situation and problem:
Hi, I would appreciate if you could tell me more about good communication
between two partners, how to handle or respond to a partner who is in
withdrawal,or to draw them out of it and get close again, and how to avoid
conflict and damaging arguments in our relationship.
God bless you!
Thank you for contacting MarriageRomance.com for coaching. I will try and give you Godly advice and encourage you.
I noticed from your answers to the questionaire that you are speparated and you are 29 and he is 33 and you have a young child and you both are Christians and you go to church each week.
From your description it appears that your husband has left you and has withdrawn. And you would like to mend the relationship and get back together and be a happy close family again.
I don't know the circumstances of why your husband and you separated. The beginning of reconciliation would be to focus on what caused you both to separate. Whatever issue caused this separation needs to be resolved.
Most of the arguments in marriages are not due to unreconcilable differences. Instead most damage to the marriage relationship is the result of feelings getting hurt because of poor communication skills. Most damage is done to the relationship because the husband and wife do not talk to each other and reason with each other with love. At some point in the discussion, one of them gets their feelings hurt and their pride swells up and so they get defensive and they then lash out with unkind words to their partner and then both of them may end up saying mean things to each other and destroying each other by bringing up past things that have happened and by saying mean things.
The Bible in 1 Corinthians 13 Paul says, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
These verses describe how we should communicate with our spouse. If we talk to our spouse in a loving way and we stay humble and not argue with our spouse, they normally will respond.
So first think about why your husband and you separated. Then go to your husband and say that you want to reconcile with him with regard to those issues that caused the separation. If you were at fault, ask forgiveness from him and explain to him that now you see that you were wrong. Explain to him how you were wrong. Be willing to compromise with him and agree with him on the issues that are dividing your marriage.
In the Bible, Amos 3:3 says, "Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” You need to agree with your husband on things if at all possible.
Anger has no part of a marriage. Jesus in Matthew 5:21-26 said that being angry was the same as murder. 1 John 4:20 says, "If a man says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who doesn't love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen?"
If we don't love our spouse, we don't love God. If we get angry with our spouse, we are guilty of murdering our spouse. This is what the Bible teaches about anger.
Galations 5 19-21 says, "The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God."
Paul says in these verses that jealousy, fits of rage or anger, envy, hatred, discord, are sins that are right up there along with sexual immorality and witchcraft.
Anger is probably the most common problem in marriages. Maybe the problem is that Christians do not see anger as a real sin.
The truth is we are all sinners and we should be humble and restore each other in love when we fall into sin.
If husbands and wives would committ to each other and to God to not get angry with each other and controll their emotions and talk to each other with love, then marriages would not have all the problems they have.
So how do you keep from getting angry? First you have to look at your spouse through God's eyes. God cares about them. If you care about your spouse you won't get angry with them.
Let's use an example to illustrate. Let us say you have a problem with jealousy. Let us say your spouse is outgoing and they love to talk to people and it seems like they especially like to talk to the opposite sex. So you are at a party with your spouse and they appear to be flirting with the opposite sex. What is more your spouse is very attractive.
So during the party your spouse says nothing to you, because your spouse is constantly talking to members of the opposite sex.
So after the party you can either get angry with your spouse and condemn your spouse for talking to everyone else except you. Or you can ask yourself why does your spouse enjoy so much talking to the opposite sex? Maybe it is that your spouse needs their self esteem built up.
This happened to me. My wife was the outgoing one who seemed to eat up attention from men at church functions. She would go all night at a banquet very bubbly and happy just talking to all the men who at church who liked talking to her. She rarely would talk to me. I would get angry with her.
If I had thought about it, I would have realized that she was needing attention because she was a stay-at-home mom with four kids and I may have not been building up her self-esteem. So the attention she was getting from these other men was something that was helping her self-esteem. And since I would get angry with her from jealousy this would tear down her self-esteem more and make her need attention even more.
Notice that "jealousy" was listed in Galations 5 19-21 as one of those bad sins. One lesson is that people act the way they act for a reason. So when your spouse does something that upsets you, ask yourself, "I wonder why he or she did that." Try and figure out why. If you can determine why they did that, it will help you understand them and overlook their sin.
Remember love covers a multitude of sins. When you love someone you can overlook their shortcomings. But you can't love someone if you are not willing to stop your anger and try and think about why they acted the way they did.
Love in a marriage is earned. The more you give love to your spouse, the more they will give love back. The Bible teaches, "whatever you sow, that shall you also reap."
You just keep loving your spouse until your love breaks down their barriers. I pray God will restore your marriage and give you wisdom in dealing with your spouse!
|
|