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Coaching Log 3/17/2006
Marital Status: Married
Gender: Female
Your Age: 21
Age Of Your Spouse: 23
Would you like to learn how to become a Christian? Yes
Is your spouse a Christian? Yes
How many times a month do you go to church? 1
How many years have you been married? 1.
Do you have children? Yes.
How many children living at home? 4.
Is your spouse unfair to you? Yes.
Are you unfair to your spouse? Yes.
Does your spouse think you are unfair to them? Yes.
Do you feel angry with your spouse? Yes
Do you feel your spouse is angry with you? Yes
What percent of your time together with your spouse is spent arguing?
50 percent
Do you like being married? No
Do you wish you were single again? Yes
Do you want to stay married? Yes
Would you ever divorce your spouse? No
Would your spouse ever divorce you? No
MarriageRomance.com may publish all or parts of this coaching session: Yes
Please describe your situation and problem:
Well we have 4 kids and I'm pregnant with the fifth. His main thing is we don't have sex enough. But we make love at least 3 times a week. Most of the time I just don't feel like it. Then he complains because the house is not spic and span 24/7, but I just had our last child in December and I am pregnant again and again, I just don't feel like it. I am tired all the time from working and taking care of the kids. I complain a lot because he doesn't do anything. When I ask him to clean up or cook dinner he will tell me when he did it 6 months ago blah blah blah.
I'm talking about now; he is telling me what he did in the past. I get frustrated because I feel he expects too much from me. He gets mad because I am on the computer during my free time, but its relaxing and I am usually doing surveys for money or on this forum I moderate for starting a home business. He on the other hand looks at naked women when he gets on the computer. To top it all off he goes out often and comes home sometimes 4 in the morning stumbling drunk. And he hits me when he gets really mad. I don't want to divorce him, I love him. But I don't know how to save our marriage when we just got married.
Coaches Answer:
Thank you for contacting MarriageRomance.com for coaching. I'll try and encourage you and give you Godly advice.
I read your description of your situation and I agree with you wholeheartedly that your husband should help you more, he should not go out getting drunk and stay out late at nights, and he should not look at naked women on the Internet without your permission.
I'm going to assume that you are a work at home Mom. Because you are always at home it is important that your husband build your self-esteem. He is not doing this which makes you feel frustrated and makes you want to reach out through the internet to help your starving self-esteem. This may be why you want to spend your free time on the internet.
Because you both complain, and because sex is an emotional event for most women, you are not wanting sex often. While at the same time, he is young and wanting sex often and his emotional and sexual frustrations from arguing with you and feeling you don't want sex, drive him to look at naked women on the internet.
While you both profess to be Christians you indicated that you attend church about once a month.
I would encourage you to both start going to a Bible teaching church regularly and begin praying together and reading a good book on marriage together. A good book would be “His Needs, Her Needs” by Dr. Harley.
If both of you are willing to make the marriage work, then both of you need to stop complaining about each other and begin to meet each others needs.
Because you are at home without a job and have the responsibility of taking care of the children, you are in a vulnerable position. You are pretty much at the mercy of your husband. Since he has begun to turn bad and hit your and get drunk and not help you have to make a choice as to which of two directions to take.
You can either leave him and go to a women's shelter, or call the police the next time he hits you or you can decide to stay and work things out.
If you decide to leave or call the police, I would suggest you tell him your intentions when he is sober. For example you could say, “Honey I love you but I can't take you coming in drunk and hitting me. I have to warn you that if you do this again I will call the police and I will leave you.” Giving him a fair warning might help him to change. But don't say something like that to him unless you are willing to actually do it. Don't bluff.
But leaving him or calling the police is not what I would do. I would choose to stay with him and trust God that he will change.
If the reason he is getting drunk is because of the poor relationship you have with him, then improving the relationship with him will help him change.
I would suggest you decide to please him in everyway you can. Decide to let him be the leader in your family and decide to take his advice and do whatever he decides. But to save your marriage you have to agree with his decisions cheerfully. You have to respect him and be willing to be happy doing things his way.
For example, if he doesn't want you on the Internet, then stop getting on the Internet. Maybe if you do not get on the Internet, you will be able to keep the house cleaner and he will notice the difference.
Another example would be to be willing to enjoy sex with him more often. If you need help becoming aroused because you are tired, try and think of creative ways to help you get aroused – maybe read or listen to some romantic stories from MarriageRomance.com with him, or maybe watch a movie together. Or maybe make a sexy deal with him that if he will do the dishes and put the kids to bed, you will be waiting for him in bubbles in the bathtub.
Another example would be to never criticize him and instead compliment him and tell him how wonderful and good-looking he is. Build up his self-esteem and hopefully he will reciprocate and begin complimenting you.
Try and have dinner ready for him when he gets home and then get him to wash the dishes and put the kids to bed while you go listen to a feel love stories while taking a bubble bath. Tell him you are preparing for a fun romantic night with him.
Ask him to come up with some creative ways to add spice and romance to your marriage. Tell him you want him to be real romantic and sweep you off your feet with a fun romantic evening – after the kids are in bed. Put the kids to bed early so that you have time alone when it is still not too late.
Instead of spending time on the Internet, take a half hour or one-hour nap each day while the kids are taking their nap. This nap will go a long way to help you not be so tired.
Your relationship with your husband is strained at this point. You can choose to go two directions. One will lead to divorce. The other will most likely lead to a happy marriage.
I would encourage you to pray for your husband each day and take the road to a happy marriage. That road begins with you deciding to forgive your husband and begin giving him unconditional love and respect. Once you do this consistently for about a week or two, he should respond and begin loving and respecting you more.
I pray God will give you wisdom and I pray your husband will change and begin to love you the way God wants him too.
Please write back.
God Bless you
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