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Coaching Log3/19/2006
Marritial Status: Married
Gender: Male
Your Age: 26
Age Of Your Spouse: 24
Would you like to learn how to become a Christian? I am a Christian
Is your spouse a Christian? No
How many times a month do you go to church? 4
How many years have you been married? 4.
Do you have children? Yes.
How many children living at home? 3.
Is your spouse unfair to you? No.
Are you unfair to your spouse? Yes.
Does your spouse think you are unfair to them? Yes.
Do you feel angry with your spouse? No
Do you feel your spouse is angry with you? Yes
What percent of your time together with your spouse is spent arguing?
50 percent
Do you like being married? Yes
Do you wish you were single again? No
Do you want to stay married? Yes
Would you ever divorce your spouse? No
Would your spouse ever divorce you? Yes
MarriageRomance.com may publish all or parts of this coaching session: Yes
(Excluding names of coach and coachee)
Please describe your situation and problem:
My situation is basically summed up by saying that I have spent the past 2
to 3 years emotionally neglecting my wife. I have never taken the time to
exprss any interest in her or her activities. I always critisized them. I
did not show her support when she needed me to. I acted like her and the
kids were a burdon to me. I acted as if i would be much happier single. I
asked and allowed my wife to give up her dreams and nearly every chance to
succedd in life to be my wife and mother to our children. When she would try
to get through to me in any fashion whether polite or yelling and screaming,
i would blow her off and accuse her of nagging me. I would always treat her
like her feelings didn't matter or that she was wronmg in feeling however
she may have felt. She would threaten to leave me and for a few days or
weeks i would wake up and i would beg her to stay and tell her i would
change. I never really did up until now. Finally, after all this time i have
grown up and am changing for the better every day. I am trying to be the husband that i wasn't before. I can feel it in myself that my priorities have changed and i now realize that she, and she only, is the most important aspect of my life. I now realize that i love her with my whole heart, and that she means more to me than anything else in the world. It took me so long to realize this though, that now she has given up. She told me that she nolonger feels the same way about me as she once did, and that she doeasn't think that she ever will again. I am willing to exhaust every means neccessary to try and save us. To prove to her that i am not the complete jerk that i used to be.
I realize now that it wasn't just her, I was treating everyone in my life that
way. I had a cold hard reality check and I have opened my eyes to my true
self. I have had what I call an awakening. I have turned my life over to the
lord, and ever since it seems like things are just getting worse. My wife is
not a Christian, or at least not an outspoken one. At the point it has got!
ten to now, she won't sleep in the same bed as me and she won't allow me to touch her at all. I have tried the usual begging and pleading, i have tried to just back off and give her time to heal (which really hurts me to do) I have prayed and prayed about this, and i am just not ready to let go of her.
She is so special and so wonderful. She has put up with my c rap for years and
she has stood right by my side even though i wasn't there for her. What can
I say or do at this point to fix this...to get her to believe in me again??
I have read Relationship Rescue by DR. Phil, and it really turned some of my
thinking around. It has some really helpful ways to reconnect with one
another. But, she won't have any part of reading it since i refused to read
it when she bought it over a year ago. How can I do this alone, when she
won't help me fix our relationship?? There must be some way to show her that
there is hope, that we can have the relationship we always dreamed about if
she will just get involved and help.
Coaches Response:
Thank you for contacting MarriageRomance.com for coaching. I am not a professional counselor but I will try and encourage you and give you Godly advice.
I read your marriage situation and I thank God that you have turned your life over to God. I know that God has changed your heart and that you now want to love your wife and kids the way God wants you to.
It is sad that your wife does not know Christ as her Savior too. But God can help her to change too.
I would encourage you to keep showing her love and praying for her and loving your kids during this time of reconciliation.
Hopefully her dreams are to be a mother to her three children and to be a loving wife to you. If these are her dreams she will most likely reconcile with you.
If her dreams are to pursue a career then reconciliation may be more difficult. If she is using your past behavior as an excuse to leave the kids and pursue her own career this would be wrong. I pray she is sincere in her committment to her kids and her marriage.
One idea would be to try and see if your Pastor would counsel her and you.
Another idea would be for you to ask her to make a list of all the things she wishes you would change and things she thinks you disagree with her about. Then read over and discuss each item on the list and when you do, this is your opportunity to be loving and caring and show her you really want to please her and change. Try this and let me know how it goes.
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