Coaching Log 3/21/2006

Marital Status:  Married
Gender:  Female
Your Age: 48
Age Of Your Spouse: 57
Would you like to learn how to become a Christian? I am a Christian
Is your spouse a Christian?  Yes
How many times a month do you go to church?  8
How many years have you been married? 3.
Do you have children? Yes.
How many children living at home? 2.
Is your spouse unfair to you?   Yes.
Are you unfair to your spouse?  No.
Does your spouse think you are unfair to them?   Yes.
Do you feel angry with your spouse? Yes
Do you feel your spouse is angry with you? Yes
What percent of your time together with your spouse is spent arguing?
       50 percent
Do you like being married? No
Do you wish you were single again? Yes
Do you want to stay married? Yes
Would you ever divorce your spouse? Yes
Would your spouse ever divorce you? No
MarriageRomance.com may publish all or parts of this coaching session:  Yes

Please describe your situation and problem:

When I met my spouse, I had four children living with me.  Two sons in
college, one not (who was recovering from a mental breakdown; witnessed a
friend's murder) and nine year old daughter.  My boss, a Catholic Bishop
thought I was the best thing to happen to his church and he was looking to
bring me up to run the church. I had prayed and asked God if that was what
he wanted for me; a life of commitment with no one in my life.  If not, to
please send my husband.

My husband, a Baptist reverend, met me in the church where I worked.  He
seemed very eager to make me his wife; I told him I was looking to get my
sons off with their lives and I would not consider marriage before a few
years.  But he pressured me into sex and crowded my life. Uncomfortable,I
made many attempts to get out of the relationship. I learned he drank, had a
bad temper, he acted suspicious of me and, he would shout at me when he got
upset. He would use religion and anything he could to convince me he was the
man God had chosen for me. He would not leave. Even to the extent of
spending nights outside my home.

After several years of a on/off relationship in which he would hang onto me
regardless of my wishes, I gave in and married him.  I did not want to
continue to live in sin. And, I was ashamed of how things were going and I
did not want to disturb my family.  We had already gone through a rough
divorce of their father years ago and I had already had another would-be
suiter cause me problems. My family had witnessed that whole thing which
wound me up in a mental hospital.

I did have deep feelings for my husband.  We made a fun couple when we would
eat, watch TV, travel and have sex. And at first, he would buy me gifts.
But I soon learned we could not agree on any subject, family, finances,
politics, religion or even how to treat people!  He wanted my sons to leave
my home telling me they are grown.  He wanted me to stop attending any
meetings on my job; telling me I would meet and have sex with someone.  He
wanted me to drink (excessively)with him; saying God gives us things in life
to enjoy. He would not help me financially.  I learned he likes to gamble.
He accuses me falsely if I go to a store; let alone a meeting or have to
work a little late.  He does not allow me to have any friends; chasing them
away by acting very nasty to them.  He wants sex every night sometimes 3 or
4 times. And he gets drunk.

Two of my sons have left because I was no longer present in my home to
support them mentally in college.  My daughter expresses how she feels
disconnected from me.  My son who is still home wants to physically throw my
husband out.  They profile constantly around the house with disdain for the
other.

I just feel trapped, Depressed (capital D), defeated.  I own a home that I
wanted to be a family property that be an income property.  I have allowed
it to run down with this man in my life.  I seem to have lost my strength
and do not have the nerve to do anything about this.

The history of my life is I was physically, mentally, abused by my mother
who was single with six children.  And, my stepfather sexually hurt me when
I was 13; I was forced to bear a child. I almost have no idea of who I am.
I just hold onto Jesus as my lifeline.  I have raised six children and have
5 grandchildren.  I hold myself up in front of my family, my job and others.
But really, I need advice.

Coaches Thoughts:

Thank you for contacting Marriage.com for coaching.  I am not a professional
counselor, but rather a concerned Christian brother who would like to
encourage you and give you Godly advice.

You have been through so much in your life!  And yet you still have a good
heart and you want to please God and you have raised six children!  Praise
God for his mercy in giving you strength to make it thus far!

I would surely be Dpressed too if I were in your shoes.  You are a strong
woman and God has brought you through so much.

While you indicated you want to stay married you also indicated you wish you
were single again and that you argue 50 percent of the time.

You are 48 and your husband is 57 and you have been married 3 years.  Your
pain in this relationship accents why God hates divorce.  God knows that it
is very difficult for marriages to work once the children are older.  Your
husband's bad behavior, most likely is because of poor character, but also
is most likely compounded by step-children who do not respect him.

When a parent takes the side of their children against their spouse this
causes serious problems in a blended-family situation.  And yet the
step-parent usually does not love their step-children the way the real
parent does and so at times it is necessary for the real parent to protect
and stand up to the step parent.  And yet this drives a wedge in the
marriage relationship.  This fighting between the parents over who should discipline the blended children, many times destroys the children and the parents.  This is why God hates divorce and possibly why Jesus went as far as to say that those who re-marry after divorce are committing adultery. (Even though the blame of the adultery lies with the person who unjustly divorced their spouse)

But God is a God of love and mercy and God normally wants us to make the
best of the situation we are in.  This usually means staying married and
working things out with your spouse.

For sure, God doesn't want your husband to be gambling and getting drunk and
being unloving towards you and towards your needs and desires.  Especially
while he leads a church as a Pastor.

You might consider making a list of things you feel he needs to change.  And
ask him to make a list of things he would like you and your children to
change.  And then if you and he would go over the lists together when you
are alone (without the presence of your children).  Try and see if you can
understand each other and get to the point where you feel your husband is
trying to change so that you feel  close to your husband again and have
renewed love for him, because he is working on changing.

If your husband is not willing to begin changing, you might consider
explaining to your husband that you need him to change, or you are
considering asking your Bishop boss to go with you and meet with your
husband to go over the list of things you feel are unbecoming of a Baptist
minister.  The Bishop boss might then ask your husband to begin changing.

If your husband is still not repentant and not willing to start working on
changing then you might consider asking your Bishop boss to contact the
leading elder of the Baptist church where your husband is Pastor, and
arrange a meeting with you and your Bishop boss and your husband and the
leading elder.  Then you and your boss would explain to the elder the list
of things you feel your husband should change.  And you and your boss would
ask the elder to exhort your husband and ask him to be repentant and begin
changing.

If your husband is still not willing to start working on the things to
change, then, after warning your husband and praying about it, then you
might go to your Bishop boss and ask him if he will help you set up a
meeting with you and he and your husband and the leading elder of the
Baptist church.  Then if you all meet together you could explain that you
feel it is not becoming of a Baptist minister to gamble, get drunk and be
rude to your friends and not loving to your children - if these are the
things you feel he needs to change.

If your husband still refuses to begin to change, then you and your Bishop
boss should ask the Baptist elder to hold a meeting with all the elders and
explain to them the things you think your husband should change.  You should
ask the elders to exhort your husband to begin to change.  And then if your
husband never does change, the elder board most likely will remove your
husband from being the Pastor.

Now you should realize that if you do this, your husband may lose his job
and your relationship may end in divorce.  So you need to be absolutely sure
that your accusations against your husband are true and correct, and that
you do not want to show your husband mercy and work things out within the
confidence of the marriage relationship.  Once you go outside the marriage
relationship and bring outside mediation into your marriage a certain trust
is broken, which many times leads to divorce.  And so, in my opinion, it is
better, if at all possible, in a marriage relationship to try and work
things out together, without outside intervention.  However some times it is
necessary to bring in outside mediation and counseling into the marriage
relationship.

I especially encourage outside intervention in a marriage where there is
physical violence and so the life of family members are at risk.

Where safety is not an issue, I personally would error on the side of mercy
and love and pray for my husband continoulsly and forgive him for his past
sins.  Especially if he is repentant for his past sins and he is willing to
begin changing.  I would encourage you too to forgive him and work with him,
even though he doesn't deserve it.

I pray God will give you wisdom and I pray God will give you love and
forgiveness for your husband and I pray your husband will humble his heart
and decide to repent and ask you and God for forgiveness and then change
quickly so that you can see progress and more easily forgive him.

Please understand that I am not an expert in these matters and you would be
wise to seek professional advice in this matter.

God Bless