different sex drives

I am writing to really seek advice. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and together 19 years. We have sex only about once a month, sometimes it's a little longer between times. We have a great relationship otherwise, so I don't really know what to do. This used to be fine with me, but lately it seems that I am not satisfied with this. I know that after we are together, it will be another month or so before he is interested again. I am not comfortable bringing this up to him, though. What should I do?

Comments From Readers

A reader says ... I have coached hundreds of married couples and your experience seems to be rather common. The male sex is controlled by the level of testostorone in his body.  The male sex drive peaks at age 18 and reduces back to the level of a 9 year old at age 60.  The female sex drive peaks at age 35 and seems to be stronger than the male the rest of her life.  The male may want to have sex but he is not physically able to unless he has an unusually emotional turn on or takes a drug.  You might try listening to the passionate stories here on this site with your husband.  You might make sure he is getting plenty of sleep and excersize.  You might see if he would take some of the new drugs available.  Or he might enjoy manually helping you come.  Something else I read was that once a man's body becomes used to not having sex as often, it can never go back to having sex more often.  I guess the body quits producing as much testostorone as before. I don't know if this is true.  And then there is the emotional side of things.  If your husband wanted sex more often when you both were younger and you did not want it, and now you want it more often and he doesn't, he may feel resentment and bitterness towards the past.  But you would  know if this were the case because you should be able to remember arguments about it from the early days of your marriage.  Another idea would be to try and find a moral erotic video to watch together.  Some say there are educational sex videos available.  Sometimes a very erotic video can cause an older man to become aroused.  And before all these things you might try just seducing him when you want sex.  Simply begin to rub his back and neck and face and body and then fondle him and put his hand where you want him to fondle you and see if he responds.  God Bless and I pray God will give you the ideas to restore a real closeness in your marriage.