Hurting a friend

My husband and I have been married for a little over 8 years. We have two beautiful children and live a pretty quiet life out in the country. We almost didn't get married after our engagement since I called it off. My then fiancé' would not take no for an answer even though we were engaged after only 6 mo. of dating and really didn't know each other well enough. I broke it off not because he was a bad person, but because I didn't feel the love was there on my end. Our sex life was never where I thought it should be(on my end anyway) and I just felt we were way too different. My fiancé' felt very differently, he was not going to take no for an answer and pursued me heavily. I finally gave in and agreed the marriage would go on. We were married two months later by a Justice of the Peace. Not a very big wedding but non-the-less a wedding. We both wanted children very badly and at age 30 and 31 we didn't want to waste to much time. I was pregnant 6 months later and we had a son. Things weren’t' going the greatest but even though we were rarely having sex I did get pregnant with our 2nd child. After she was nine months old we separated for 3 1/2 months. I truly felt it was over for good. I was seeing a counselor in town (non Christian) and he did say I should give it another shot. I felt I was never REALLY honest with him about my lack of sexual desire and feelings of Love for my husband. I just answered his questions and left it at that. We reconciled for the second time since we got into our relationship and now at eight years I still do not initiate sex and never have. It's not that he doesn't try to please me, it's just that I never have felt the desire and feel I never will feel true intimacy for him. I know it upsets him but he never says too much about it. I don't doubt that he loves me with all his heart, and we treat each other with respect but our feelings are not on the same level. I am thankful he finds me attractive, but if I don't reciprocate he gets moody and distant right away. I understand his frustration and disappointment, but when I do "give in" I feel uncomfortable and want it to just get it over with. I don't feel this is fair to him. After recently becoming a stronger Christian within the last couple years I have been praying about it a lot. I read one of the other responses on this site that God wants sex to be enjoyable by both partners. Well, I have not felt enjoyment sexually in the 9 years we've been together! All I want to do before and after is cry because I just don't feel that way toward him. I even told him this both times I left him but he didn't seem to care or hear me. I don't want to hurt him, but feel he deserves more!! I am on the verge of requesting a divorce. I can't believe he is still with me anyways! I have no desire to be with anyone else at this time, I just want what’s fair to us both. I do not want to disappoint God though!

Editors Pleading:

Please do not disappoint God.  Sex is an activity that God has given married couples to help them have a strong bond of friendship and unity.  

I can tell you do love your husband.  But it sounds like you feel maybe you were pushed into marriage.   The problems in your relationship demonstrate that having sex before marriage is not God’s best for a couple.

But once you are married you are committed before God to make things work.  Love is a decision, not a feeling.  You can’t dwell on thoughts that maybe you should not have married or maybe you could have married someone better looking or better in any way.  Those are thoughts from the devil to try and break your marriage up.

Most marriage problems are because one of the spouses deep down inside feels they could have done better.  But that is a form of covetousness as they are really coveting the other men out there in the world that they might have married.   The way we show God we love Him is by being content with what we have.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking you are spiritual if we are entertaining thoughts of divorcing your husband because you think you don’t love him in that way.  Loving him in that way is a decision, not a feeling.  

And your feelings of love for him are fairly strong.  Your only problem is that you think maybe you can justify leaving him.  You can’t.  You can never justify divorcing a husband who loves you.  Once you put to death your fantasy of divorcing and starting over, God will make your feelings of love for your husband follow.  God wants you to stop entertaining thoughts of starting over.  You are married and the Bible says that if you divorce your husband and he gets remarried, you will be held responsible for his committing adultery with his new wife.   You don’t want that hanging over your head in eternity.

If you need help enjoying sex with your husband think about what would help you enjoy sex more.  And then try different things with him to see what works best.  God allows married couples to use their imagination in the bedroom to keep the marriage strong.

Please don’t rationalize your way into some other man’s arms.  I know you said you are not ready for another relationship but that is what will happen.  Don’t do it.  God hates divorce and God wants us to be content with what we have.  

There are millions of married couples out there with one or both of mates who have at least once thought during their marriage that they could have done better and that they are not really that turned on by their spouse.  They think that if they were free they would enjoy life more or again.  The truth is that sin, the counterfeit is always more enticing than the real thing.  And this is especially true of sex.  Sure we would all enjoy sex more if we were having it with a new mate.  But that is no justification for divorce.   We must have morals.  We must have character.  We must make our marriages work.  And once we give up on toying with the idea of starting over, then we will begin to appreciate your spouse more.

Just decide divorce is out – it is not an alternative.  Once you decide this you will begin to change.  You will begin to love your husband more.  If you don’t change and start loving your husband more, it is because you are still toying with leaving your husband..  

What if you were the only woman on earth and your husband was the only man on earth.  Would you love him then?  Would you stick with him then?   Would you enjoy sex then?

Our perspective in life determines everything.  As Christians we are supposed to have a perspective that the devil cannot penetrate, that the devil cannot trick and fool.  That perspective is to be content with our spouse and never think of leaving them.

I pray God will change your heart.  And look into some fun things to do together to help you enjoy your sex life.  You can start with asking your husband to print off some of the intimate stories on this site and read them together in bed while he caresses you.  If that doesn’t work, wait about 6 months.  There is a new pill coming out that will cause the consumer to really get turned on and enjoy sex with their spouse.  I can’t remember the name but I read an article and it will be out within the next year or so.

Thanks for asking for advice.  I pray God will bless your marriage.

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