My wife is not interested in sex.

This is probably the root of the problem and a lesson for all the unmarried couples out there: We had plenty of sex before marriage – (we were not practicing Christians). We had abortions during that time. One way of looking at it is: I had my fun before marriage, so now I have nothing to complain about. Just writing this makes me feel less sorry for myself, realizing what a terrible thing I've done and allowed to be done to my wife. So I could accept the lack of sex as a trial from God and offer it to Him as a sacrifice. On the other hand, it seems that our marriage is missing a huge element that could make it better. On the other hand again, our marriage is great in spite of there being no sex.

I am a happily married husband of 24 years with 4 beautiful children and a beautiful wife. We have not had sex since before the birth of our youngest child who is 9 years old. We both are Christians and pray together briefly at meals and with our younger children before bed. But we don't pray together; I get the impression that it is too "touchy-feely" for her. It's kind of the same way with sex and talking about sex. She gets uncomfortable with intimacy, I believe.

I have the hardest time even discussing our lack of sex - nighttime before bed is the best time for us to discuss things, but I don't want to rile her up which would interfere with her sleep. So I stay passive most of the time. I've been trying to mention it at opportune times, but to no avail. This morning I tried to have sex with her and she said, "No way". I gave her a forlorn look and she said to stop that. I said that I WAS forlorn. She said that was my problem, with the insinuation that I was doing this to myself. I want to tell her of all my choices out there, none of which are legitimate, but which are nevertheless temptations (masturbation, pornography, prostitutes, affairs), but I haven't had the opportunity or just was afraid to say it. I stay pure. I rarely masturbate, maybe once every 2 months, such as when I've been lying beside her with my hopes up. I have gone for over a year without masturbating or having sex with my wife (or anyone). I am very tempted to fall for internet pornography, rationalizing it with my lack of response from my wife. I have fallen to that a few times, but recognize that it is wrong and counterproductive to my situation, so I avoid it.

I am not ugly, am in good physical condition, although I have been overweight in the past. It bothers her when I eat too fast and smack my food. Perhaps she became disgusted with me during those times. I work a lot, having recently started my own business. But I always take Sunday off. I'm not a brilliant conversationalist. The upside of having my own business is that we have more money, so she finally has many of the material things she has wanted.

I need your prayers as well as your advice.

Comments From Readers ...

A reader says ... You're sure welcome.  I am amazed at how you have stuck with your wife for so long.  You are a better Christian than I am!  To go 9 years without sex and still love your wife is really a miracle!!!

God Bless you and I pray God will change your wife's heart soon!  She needs to realize that she does not love God when she does not show you intimate love.  In the book "His Needs Her Needs" the author points out that meeting the sexual needs of your spouse is a big part of the marriage commitment and when a spouse does not keep their end of the bargain they can expect their spouse to find sex somewhere and end up cheating on her.   The authors thoughts are not far from Pauls thoughts.  

I pray that God will change your wife's heart before you end up giving up on her or finding sex elsewhere.   I pray that God will somehow impress upon your wife how awfully wrong it is and how sad God is, when a spouse refuses to give their love and intimacy to their spouse.

A reader says ... Thanks for the excellent reply. It must have taken you a long time. I really appreciate the time you put into it.

I wish that someone other than me could tell my wife that. It would appear to be self-serving to wave the Bible in front of her and tell her, "look it says here that we should have sex". I've been hoping she'd figure that out herself or overhear it in a sermon.

Also, the desire should come from within her, not be something she does because she is commanded to. I would not enjoy sex if she didn't. I do believe however that once a regular practice of sex is established, it can't help but become enjoyable.

A reader says ... Wow, your example is an extreme one, but it is an example of a very serious problem in Christian marriages.  The lack of intimacy in Christian marriages strikes at the core of the marriage relationship, eroding the marriage until many lead to divorce.  

When Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:5 to “not deprive each other” of sex, Paul meant it.  Paul also said that if you do deprive your partner of sex, they will be tempted.  Paul puts the burden on the giver of the sex, not the person who needs sex.  

Does your wife claim to be a good Christian?  How can she believe she loves God when she doesn’t love her husband?

Ask your wife to read 1 Corinthians 7:5 with you.  It says, “Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control.”  

Explain to her that the way we show God we love Him is by loving others – and especially our spouse.  And that she is putting you in a very vulnerable position by not being intimate with you.

There is a good chapter on intimacy in the book “His Needs, Her Needs” which would be good for the two of you to read together.

The Bible teaches that the way we show God we love Him is primarily by loving others. Jesus explains this concept in Matthew 5 43-46, where Jesus says, "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get?

Jesus said that it is not good enough to love those who love you.  Jesus said, we also need to love our enemies so that we will be “sons of your Father in heaven”.  

In I John 4:8  John says, “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

So if your wife does not love you enough to give you sex, she certainly cannot claim to love God.  Because if she claims to be a Christian then she needs to love you as her husband and have sex with you.  Sex is the primary expression of love in a marriage.  This is why Paul put so much importance on having sex regularly.  Sex is the main thing that a husband and wife save for each other in a marriage.

After you explain these Biblical principles to your wife, ask her why she doesn’t want to have sex with you.

Maybe you can post as a comment her reasoning for not having sex for over 9 years.

Wives should not let emotions keep them from having sex with their husband.  It is a serious offense to God and to their husband to withhold sex from their husband on a continual basis.

Christian leaders need to teach wives to find ways to enjoy sex with their husbands. Even if it takes introducing erotic materials into the marriage bed.  It is far more important to find a way to enjoy sex with your spouse than it is to violate some Christian tradition such as, "it is sin to watch an erotic video with your spouse".

Jesus taught us a principle related to this.  See God wanted the Jews to take care of their elderly parents.  But because of a religious tradition called “corban” the Jews would commit all their property to the church and then they would not have any resources left over to take care of their elderly parents.  Jesus condemned this religious tradition called “corban” because it caused the people to neglect taking care of their parents – which was far more important in God’s eyes than pledging property the church.

The Biblical principle is that when a religious tradition causes someone to neglect or fail to take care of someone or something that is more important to God, then the religious tradition is wrong.

In modern day Christianity the religious tradition is that it sin to look at pornography or any erotic materials – even in the marriage bed – even if by the husband and wife while together.  Christian tradition says that it is sin for a husband and wife to use any erotic materials in the marriage bed – even if it helps the married couple have sex or helps them enjoy sex more.

But yet God through Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:5 says that it is very important for a husband and wife to have sex regularly.  And so it is very important to God that a husband and wife have sex regularly and enjoy it.  Married couples need to enjoy sex when they have it, because sex is an emotional event, especially for the woman, and so if they don’t enjoy having sex, they will end up hating having to give it.

So what does a married couple do who are having trouble enjoying sex?  We know that reading and listening and watching erotic materials causes an increase in a person’s sex drive.  So would it be wrong for a husband and wife to use some erotic materials in their marriage to increase their sex drive for each other and help them enjoy sex?

But Christian married couples can’t do this because Christian tradition teaches that erotic materials are sinful – even if they are used to help a marriage.

This is where the principle Jesus taught can be applied.  When a religious tradition, (which in this case is that “all erotic materials are sinful”) hinders someone from doing something that God thinks is very important; (which in this case is that a husband and wife should have sex regularly and enjoy sex) then the religious tradition is wrong.

In this case our American culture allows a husband and wife to watch erotic materials to help their marriage.  It is only Christian tradition that says it is wrong.  In this case Christian tradition is actually causing problems in marriages by teaching that it is wrong for married couples to use erotic materials to help their marriage.  And I believe this makes God very sad because it causes so many unnecessary Christian divorces.

So the bottom line is that Christian leaders need to teach that it is ok for a married couple to use erotic materials in their bedroom to help them have sex regularly and enjoy sex.