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Coaching Log 11/19/2006
Maritial Status: Engaged
Gender: Female
Your Age: 24
Age Of Your Spouse: 25
Would you like to learn how to become a Christian? I am a Christian
Is your spouse a Christian? Yes
How many times a month do you go to church? 12
How many years have you been married? 0.
Do you have children? No.
How many children living at home? .
Is your spouse unfair to you? No.
Are you unfair to your spouse? No.
Does your spouse think you are unfair to them? No.
Do you feel angry with your spouse? No
Do you feel your spouse is angry with you?
What percent of your time together with your spouse is spent arguing?
Never
Do you like being married?
Do you wish you were single again?
Do you want to stay married?
Would you ever divorce your spouse?
Would your spouse ever divorce you?
MarriageRomance.com may publish all or parts of this coaching session: No
(Excluding names of coach and coachee)
Please describe your situation and problem:
Hi, I am currently engaged. Our wedding is April 2007. My fiancé and I had known each other through high school as acquaintances but formally met just last year. His ex girlfriend had spread rumors about him grabbing her and another had said he almost hit her one time and that there was a restraining order against him.
Well, I knew his family and this was a surprise to me, but then I also knew the girls and know that one lied about me and the other has a reputation for it. I also called the police and checked to see if there was a restraining order or if there ever had been. And they said no there never was a report anywhere filed on him.
So here is what I'm getting to, we've been dating for over 9 months now and we get along great, except for the petty little disagreements over what music we want to listen to or silly things like that. We have, however had a few bigger arguments, literally I think 3 arguments, all centered around one of us being jealous I suppose.
During those times, I would try to walk away and he would pull me back or pick me up and set me down in a chair so he could explain himself. One time he picked me up and put me over his shoulder and I was hanging by my ankles. I was laughing but I was mad b/c I had told him that I hate when he does that.
So, he said that's why he did it, b/c I made him mad and in return he wanted to push my buttons. The other night, he found a phone number in my pocket, which was a phone number for my sister. Anyway, he thought I got a phone number from a man and that I wasn't being honest with him b/c I kept saying that I didn't know how it got there. We were driving home and it was quiet then he said "I think you're being full of
crap" and I said something as a smartellic and he crumpled the phone number in my face where I could barely see to drive and screamed in my ear about how mad he was, then he put his hand up to my neck. At that point I slammed on the brakes and started yelling at him.
Although he has never hit me and he says he would never do anything to hurt me physically or mentally, it still bothered me when he did that. I love him, there are so few times we fight I don't want to consider ending it. He is a Christian and he is active with me in church and he prays with me every day. I don't know what to do.
Coaches Thoughts:
Thank you for contacting MarriageRomance.com for coaching. I am not a professional counselor. I am a Christian who will try and encourage you and give you Godly advice.
I read your description of your engagement situation. It seems clear from your description that your fiance has a serious controlling, jealousy and anger problem.
The fact that he picked you up, upside down when he knew you did not like it, and he did it to spite you, this is a very strong indication that he will not be kind when he is married.
The fact that he became so jealous when he found the phone number indicates he has a serious jealousy problem. It also indicates that he might cheat on his wife also. People tend to think other people are like them. So if he is tempted to cheat on you, then he will think that you are tempted to cheat on him. So men who are quick to think their girlfriend or wife is cheating on them (when there is really no reason to think so), are usually the ones who are struggling with the temptation to cheat.
To put it another way, if a man thinks he would never cheat on his wife, he will tend to also think that his wife would never cheat on him. Since your boyfriend is a Christian, he should think this way, and since he does not, this is a red flag.
The fact that other girls have said that he has anger problems and you have personally witnessed his anger, this is more reason to believe that he does have a serious anger problem.
After a man marries, his anger problems will be 1000 times worse than when he is courting his wife. So if your boyfriend acts this way now, be prepared to live in hell after the honeymoon.
I am an man and I don't want to hurt your boyfriend by telling you things that would make you break up with him. But I have coached hundreds of married couples and so I want to prevent marriages that will end up with wives who are abused and marriages that are full of arguments and anger and ultimately divorce.
God wants your boyfriend to humble himself and change before he gets married. Do not expect your husband to get over his anger after you marry him. While he will mature, it may take 10 or 20 or 30 years. And some men with anger problems, never do mature and get over their anger problem.
I would advise you to not marry him until he goes through counseling with the Pastor or a Christian counselor and until you are sure he will be humble and not be controlling and abusive and become angry with you. He should never hold you back or pick you up like that when he knows you do not want him to.
I noticed from your writing that you may also have an anger problem. One way to provoke the anger in a man is for a smartalec woman to become angry with him. So you might consider going to counseling also to learn how to communicate in a loving and kind way.
I don't have much confidence in people changing quickly. So even if he goes through counseling, I would guess that if you do marry him, his anger problem will resurface in the marriage after the honeymoon or within the first 3 years of marriage. So if you decide to marry, don't be surprised if you thought he changed but he did not change.
To be safe you should marry someone else who does not show any signs of anger during your dating period. And be sure and date for at least a year or two before you marry so that you can be sure and know what your boyfriend is like.
On the other hand I've always said that anyone can marry anyone else and be happy, if they decide to make it work. When your spouse believes in you and is willing to help you grow and get over your problems and you both work through the issues in the marriage, with God's help, the marriage can work.
So if you both are dedicated to Christ and are willing to be humble with God and with each other when you make mistakes and get angry, then you can make the marriage work. But be prepared for a rough road, because it seems that your boyfriend does have some emotional baggage that he will bring into the marriage, that will make the marriage difficult because of his anger and jealousy problems.
Ask yourself if you would be willing to marry him and put up with his anger problem and jealousy problem, even if he did not change. Ask yourself if you would still respect him if was controlling and became angry and jealousy and complained about everything most of the time. Many married men get like this when they have anger problems. Would you still respect and love him? Would you be able to continue to love him? He might mature and get over it if you give him unconditional love for years. But if his career fails or does not go well, he may always be angry; he may never mature. Usually men with anger problems mellow out in their 50's and 60's. But you might not want to continue overlooking his anger and giving him unconditional love for so long.
I pray you will have wisdom to know what to do. I also pray your boyfriend will mature and learn to respect women and not be jealous.
God Bless you
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