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A Letter to My Husband
From: Your wife February 26, 2007
To: My deceased spouse
Dearest Tom:
I miss you. Very much… One month ago we buried you. It's been tough – such a “blank” feeling all through the body. I didn't know this type of feeling could exist. Even our little boy feels the “emptiness” and the “sadness”. He cries a lot now. I hear his muffled “I love you, Daddy…. I miss you, Daddy”, as he faces his pillow, and cries as he falls asleep. I know it breaks your heart.
Thirteen years ago we met in a hospital, as you put it, I “waddled” into your life. Gee, I remember it differently…. I remember those tight pants you had on as you, “Mr. Security Guard”, stood outside the elevator. Anyhow, the “bells” rang. You escorted me out for a newspaper at one in the morning, and that was it – I was hooked. You were so “brave” I thought… And, to think I felt that way over a simple newspaper! The fullness of your braveness would show itself later.
That “hot” romance led to that beautiful child of ours – that wonderful little boy – so much of you, so much of me. And, still a bit of your parents and mine. Fascinating he is. So filled with the Holy Spirit. Such a blessing given to us. And, we still don't know how much of a blessing he is yet. I know God will let us know “later”.
Thank goodness he was here with me, as you went through the last months of your life. I don't know how I could have survived had it not been for his strength and resilience, his innocence and sweetness, his love for you...
What a good boy we have. He loved you very much – and still does.
When you were falling over, shuffling your feet, falling down – he'd help you, run to your aid, try to catch you. Remember when you'd try to do the stairs (even though I asked you not to) and your little boy said “Wait, Daddy, let me go down first, so if you fall, I can catch you”! Remember how horrified we were that you would fall down and crush him!?
When you were a “zombie” in the nursing home, and you didn't even recognize him, he still held out hope that Daddy would come around, and “come back to him”. Even when you'd forgotten how to eat, he'd hand feed you. When you forgot how to use a phone, he'd dial it for you, and he'd answer it when people called you. Eventually, you forgot how to speak, so he became your voice, and would talk to people for you, saying things he knew you'd say if you could!
When the third shunt was put in, above the brain stem tumor they discovered (Glioblastoma Multiforme), and drained some of the cerebral spinal fluid from your head, we had you “back to your old self”, for a few weeks, and little TJ was grateful for that. He used his “allowance” to buy a video game on sports for you, hoping you'd feel up to playing it with him…. Even though he was not big on sports – he'd do anything for you! His hope, and spirit, and innocence were amazing. His care, and love for you were inspiring!
Your health quickly deteriorated again, after we got you home. Even though we were grateful for any time we had you home, it was sad, looking back now, to know that hideous tumor was taking hold, and just waiting to strike.
I was SO proud of you – how brave you were. Never complaining, even with all the hospital stays, the rehab center, the falling down, the incontinence, the humiliation, and the frustrations. Not once did you complain! I couldn't believe it! I doubt that I EVER could have handled things so well. I'm sorry I wasn't more compassionate, and understanding of what you were going through. I'm so sorry. You were a very brave man! One of my few “heroes” in life! Thank you!
Your biopsy was scheduled for January 16, 2007, and we went in optimistically, didn't we! They didn't tell us that they already knew the tumor was huge. In a way, I'm glad we were kept “in the dark”… It was a nicer feeling - being “optimistic”!
But, during the biopsy, the tumor did not want to be “touched”, and attacked – crushing your brain stem. In a way, it was a blessing from God for you, that you did not wake up from that biopsy, just to be told you only had a few weeks to live, and would be paralyzed from the neck down and on life support for that time. I didn't let Tommy see you – with all the tubes, the lack of life, the emptiness, the unresponsiveness, the stiff and cold body… It was too sad to bear, even for adults, let alone a 9 year old.
He missed you as you lay in the coma after the biopsy. He wanted to see you, but I had to explain to him that it was better to remember you with that beautiful smile you had…and, with that desire to “keep moving” around. I could never get you to sit in one spot! And, here you were – not able to even “twitch”. Even though you had only a few, small, brain waves, however slight, I know it must have driven you “buggy” to just lie there. Again, you “never complained”…
It was a horrible decision to remove life support. After sitting with you for an hour, praying, talking to you, it felt appropriate to let you go back to God. It would not be right for you to wake up, to find out you had to live for a little while suffering, just to “die” again. I doubt there will ever be a more difficult decision for me to make again in my life.
I was glad you had those “brain waves” so I could explain all this to you. Even though you could not respond to me, I know you heard me. I told you how proud I was of you, and how glad I was that you did your “Five First Saturday's”. I told you thank you for praying your Rosary so much. I got to tell you I love you, and that, yes, I'll miss you when you are gone. I do miss you. We all do.
So, we met in a hospital. And we said our goodbyes in a hospital. Seems appropriate, right? When I said goodbye to you that day, sweetheart, I did a little “waddle” for you, my love… xoxo
Much love from your wife, ,
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