How do I reduce my sex drive?

I am happy that the main purpose of this site is the celebration of sex and intimacy between married people; this is wonderful, and created by God to be enjoyed.

However, is there any help for someone who is, for lack of a better term, over-sexed, or addicted to sex?

I am a Christian, and am happily married.  What is hard for me to understand is why it is so easy for my eyes to wander when I'm not at home.  I struggle with internet pornography, mainly, and a good deal of my time is spent in a hellish angst of heart over failing both my God, and my wife, with this sin.  I can't seem to escape.  It will go okay for a while, and then I fall back into the trap.

I find myself growing to hate something God created to be good.  I find myself starting to hate women (most unjustly, I realize that), for what they do to my body.  And I find myself hating myself, the very body I dwell in, for its lust and bent to sin.  It is starting to affect every single facet of my life.  When I go to church, I feel like I am dirty, and not fit to be among other Christians, who seem so pure, and unaffected by this vile lust.  When I am with my wife or children, I feel like I am dirty, and unworthy of them.  I see the eyes of my little son looking up at me in his innocence.  He doesn't even know yet how dirty his daddy is.  My very genes are being passed to him, and I wonder if one day he will be in this same hellish nightmare.  I feel guilty when I make love with my wife, knowing that if she fully understood even a fraction of my 'problem,' she'd be hurt even more than she already has been.  I've confessed this struggle to her before, and I can tell how much it hurts her, and makes it hard for her trust me.  It makes her feel terrible about herself, as if she isn't good enough, and it's not true; the truth of the matter is, she deserves someone better rather than the pig she married.  It's hard for me to work during the day or stay focused, because my mind seems to be obsessed with lust.  That pretty much covers most every area of my life.  About the only area where I feel free from this malady, is in sleep.  Indeed, it's like I am possessed by a demon called lust.  But no matter how much I've prayed about it, nothing seems to change.  Indeed, it only seems to get worse.

Why is this?  Why do I find something that was supposed to be a blessing, and indeed appears to be a blessing to all of the folks that post here, instead to be a curse to my own life?  I wish it would just go away, and that I would not need sex.  I've even gone so far as to consider complete amputation of a certain part of me, but have read studies that it doesn't work entirely.  And I don't want to be extreme or anything; contemplation of amputation seems horrible and repulsive to me.  I just want to be normal, and feel instead like I'm in a sinking ship, one that has a million holes.  And there I am, trying to bail water over the edge with a teaspoon.

Forgive me for posting such a depressing topic.  It's bad enough that I am depressed about it.  Hopefully it does nothing to impact the joy everyone else here feels in their relationship.  But are there any doctors that come by here?  Is there any medication or herbs a person like me could take to depress the sex drive, so that it doesn't have this effect on my life?  I'm so tired of fighting, I just want to quit, die, and be done with it.  Then my wife could find a better man, and my children a better father; maybe then they could share the happiness that is written about here.

Comments From Readers

A reader says ... I coached this man and found that his wife has a similar obession with romance novels.  I encouraged him to try and save his sexual energy for his wife and try and get her to do the same.  This web site teaches that the key to sexual purity in a marriage is that both the husband and wife agree on what they each are doing.  He has told his wife that he has a problem with porn, but he has not told his wife that she has a problem with romance novels.

I think as long as his wife is reading the romance novels, he too will have a problem with porn.  Until they both agree to save all their sexual energy for each other, he will have a problem.  If he would get her involved in writing and reading stories with him from this web site, that could completely change their lives for the better.  But as long as he is doing his thing and she is doing her thing - things won't change much.  I pray you will have wisdom and self control and be able to approach your wife in love and explain that you want to save all your sexual energy for her and you want her to save all hers for you.  May God bless your marriage ...

A reader says ... As long as you and your wife think it is sinful and dirty and "lustful" for a man to have a sex drive, you will continue to have this problem.  The first step is to recognize that all those men at church who appear to not have a sex drive, they are all masking it with something else - like sports or hunting or serving God.  By masking I mean they have self-control but they do have a sex drive.  And 80 percent of them claim to have the same problem you have.

So you need to admit you are normal and your wife needs to admit you are normal and you both need to admit you are not dirty and sinful.  It is the way God made you and God just wants you to control your sex drive.

True you seem to be overly focused on sex but that is simply a matter of self control; finding a Godly alternative, and becoming focused on things that are important - such as serving God and others.

If men did not have a sex drive, then not too many would get married.  So God put the sex drive there for a good reason.  But God expects us to control it.

The Biblical rule is that a married couple should save all their sexual energy for when they are with their spouse.  This means you should not look at porn alone.  You should not read erotic stories from this web site alone.  

Now until you get to the point in your life where you have a weaker sex drive, God allows you and your wife freedom, in the bedroom, to keep your sex drive in the bedroom with your wife.

For example you have the freedom to use erotic videos in the bedroom.  Drugstore.com sells some made by Sinclair Institute.

But before God can help you, you and your wife must first recognize the freedom you have in Christ to use erotic materials in your marriage as a substitute for you secretly looking at porn.

Matthew 23 verse 15 Jesus warns, "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as you are.”  Earlier in this same passage Jesus accused the religious leaders of making up too many rules.  Jesus said in Matthew 23 verse 4, “They tie up heavy loads and put them on men's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them.”  

So Jesus points out that legalism (heavy loads) can turn someone into a "son of hell".  In your writing you seem to be feeling like a "son of hell".  Well God doesn't want you to feel that way.

But as long as you and your wife are not willing to give up legalism and recognize that it is pure and Godly to watch erotic videos together in bed, as a substitute for you looking at porn on the Internet, then you are ignoring the lifeboat God has given you.

So you and your wife have to be willing to shed your legalism surrounding erotic videos before you can use them in the bedroom to replace your habit of secretly looking at porn on the Internet.  

Once your wife and you feel comfortable with looking at erotic videos together in bed, then it should be easier for you to save all your sexual energy for when you are with your wife.

Next you need to read the book a "A Purpose Driven Life" and get on fire for serving God.  

Once you are saving all your sexual energy for when you are with your wife and you are focused on serving God and your family and others, your sex drive will be under control.

Sure you will still need sex every other day or so or as far out as once a week, but that is normal.  Once you get older your sex drive will weaken and it may be once every two weeks or once a month.   I don't know I'm still at once every three days or so.  Men need a release of testosterone or else they get grumpy and grouchy.  It is a psychological hormone situation.  But don't try and change that.  That is just the way God made us.



A reader says ... Ok, you said your main problem is Internet porn.  From your writing it is clear you think it is dirty to look at porn.  It appears you are doing this behind your wife's back and she thinks it is wrong too.

When you say your mind is obsessed with "lust" what do you mean?  Do you mean you think of sex with your wife often?  Or do you mean you think of sex with women in the pictures?  Or what do you mean you think of women's bodies often?

Is it true that you and your wife both feel it is sin to watch an erotic video together in bed?

First you both need freedom in Christ to help you with your problem.  If your underling problem is the same as most other men, then you have a desire to look at the naked female body occasionally.  But since you think it is wrong and your wife thinks it is wrong you do it secretly and you feel guilty and you feel it is dirty and so the guilt destroys your life by making you feel guilty and angry that you can't control this area of your life.  I sense this frustration in your writing.  

First you need to recognize that based on the Bible it is not sinful for you to desire to see naked females.  Your wife needs to agree with you on this.

Second you and your wife need to both agree that you have freedom in Christ to watch together erotic videos in bed to increase passion in your marriage and to help satisfy your desire to see naked females.  But find videos that do not promote unnatural sex.  Only videos with a husband and wife or couple.  Sinclair Institute has some at Drugstore.com.

Once your wife and you have decided it is not sinful and dirty to watch a video every Friday night together, then do this instead of looking at porn.  

Then try the videos and if they are profitable in your marriage, use them.  If they are not profitable in your marriage then don't use them.

But the key is that they are a replacement for your bad habit of looking at porn on the Internet.  If you cheat and still look at porn they will not help.

This web site teaches that a married couple should save all their sexual energy for when they are with their spouse.  If you are looking through this web site or any other web site alone, then you are breaking the rules of this web site.  Only look at this web site when you are with your wife.

Next you need to change your perspective or outlook on life.  You need to have self control and focus on serving God and your family.  Get the book "A Purpose Driven Life" and read it.  

But as long as you or your wife think it is sinful to use erotic materials in your marriage then this legalism will make it more difficult for you to stop looking at Internet porn.  Why?  Because if you can look forward to seeing erotic video with your wife then you will not be as tempted to look at naked pictures alone.  But as long as you think that looking at a naked picture with your wife is dirty and sinful, then this legalism will stop you from having a solution to your problem.  God is giving you a lifeboat but you have to be willing to get in it.  

The lifeboat is to save all your sexual energy for when you are with your wife, and that includes reading erotic materials from this web site, and then when you are with your wife, you and your wife both need to feel it is Godly and pure to use erotic materials when you are together to enhance your love life and to satisfy your desire for seeing nudity.

Then once you have your sex life under control, you need to fill the gap with loving God and others around you and service to others and to God.  Find a meaningful way to serve God with your wife and family if at all possible.  Get to know your neighbors and reach out to them as a family.  Invite less fortunate families over for dinner and spend time with your children and wife.



A reader says ... As a Christian you should be focused on doing what is profitable for your marriage and family and for building Gods Kingdom.  Why do you not think you can not control yourself?  Have you been tricked by the devil into thinking you do not have control over how you spend your time?  Sure you may think of sex often during the day.  That is no crime.  But when you take action and focus on it all day long and feed the flesh with porn and imaginary thoughts - then this does seem like an obession.

The help you need is to get a new perspective on life.  You need a purpose driven life.

Galatians 2 verses 15 to 21 says, "We who are Jews by birth and not 'Gentile sinners' know that a man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ. So we, too, have put our faith in Christ Jesus that we may be justified by faith in Christ and not by observing the law, because by observing the law no one will be justified.
"If, while we seek to be justified in Christ, it becomes evident that we ourselves are sinners, does that mean that Christ promotes sin? Absolutely not!  If I rebuild what I destroyed, I prove that I am a lawbreaker. For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ (to the law) and I no longer live (under the law), but (the law of Christ)Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.  I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!"

In these verses Paul talks about "putting our faith in Christ" and being "justified by faith in Christ".  Paul says "we seek to be justified in Christ".  How do we become justified in Christ?  

Paul says, "I died to the law so that I might live for God".  Notice Paul does not say I died to the law and now God or Christ lives through me.
Next Paul says, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.  The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God."

Notice Paul does not say, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives through me.  I do not live in the body because Christ lives through me."

No; Paul says "Christ lives in me" not "Christ lives through me". Paul still had to obey. Paul goes on to say he still does live in the body and he lives by faith.  

Paul is talking about the law. Because of this context when Paul says "Christ lives in me", he most likely meant the "law of Christ lives in me".  See Romans 8:2, 1 Corinthians 9:21, Matthew 11:30.

Paul's point in this passage is that we are "justified by faith".  Paul's point is not that Christians can't do anything and that only God can do it through Christians.  No Paul would be disappointed to see how these verses have been misinterpreted to teach Christians that they can't do anything, and that only when they "let go and let God" can God then do something through them.  That is not what the Bible teaches.  The Bible teaches obedience.  The Bible teaches that Christians can do things, and that God through the Holy Spirit comforts us and convicts us and encourages us.  

The danger of teaching Christians that they can't do anything and that only God living through them can do anything is that first, the Bible does not teach this.  To get this doctrine Christians twist the words around - but the words - if you look carefully do not teach this.

Second it takes the responsibility away from Christians.  They feel they can just "let go and let God.".  

Third it teaches Christians they are bad.  Again the devil is the accuser of the brethren.  The devil years ago must have thought, "Why not have a mainstream Christian doctrine that teaches Christians that when they obey God they are still dirty and sinful and bad.  And then we will teach that when they stop trying to obey God and instead "let go and let God", then they are holy.  Then they will all stop trying to obey God and simply base their holiness on how well they can sit back and do nothing and feel like God is controlling them."  

Again it is the original sin to be like God.  Adam and Eve wanted to be like God.  Now Christians who believe God lives through them think they are like God too.  But the Bible does not say that.  It says Christ lives in us and the Holy Spirit lives in us, but God does not control us supernaturally.  We have to obey the Holy Spirit.  We have to be God's hands and Gods feet and we have to obey God.  

Lastly it is illogical and dishonest.  For example recently a Pastor gave the following example.  He said, "Lets say you are driving down the road and someone cuts you off and you get angry with them.  And you tell yourself I feel like chasing them and cutting them off.  But then you think ... God I can't handle this situation, God you are going to have to handle this for me ... and you let God take control of your life and you become calm and forgive the guy who cut you off."  The Pastor went on to say that we as Christians are not capable of doing anything good, the only good that can come out of our life is when God lives through us."  That was the Pastors example.

Now lets think about his example.  Did God supernaturally control the guy in the example when he became angry?  No, he simply began "walking in the Spirit" which means he became "God conscious" - which means he chose to think about how God would want him to act and then he acted the right way and became calm.  He obeyed God.

That is what really happened.  To say God supernaturally controlled him is a not true.  Nowhere in the Bible does it teach that God supernaturally controls Christians when it comes to them choosing to sin or choosing to not sin.  No it is always referred to this as obedience or walking in the Spirit.  

The Pastor used the verse Galatians 2 verse 20 for the Biblical basis for his doctrine.  But he misquoted it and said, "Christ lives through me" instead of "Christ lives in me".

Christ lives in us via the Holy Spirit.  And the Holy Spirit convicts us and comforts us and encourages us but does not control us when it comes to us making a decision to become angry or not become angry or to choose to sin or not to sin.  No it is always us who makes the decision and does one or the other.

Sure we as Christians should give God the credit for all good things and for when we do good.  But we need to admit that we did do it, that God did use us.  God is begging Christians to obey and do something for Him and Christians are sitting around thinking, "well if God wanted me to do something I would do it, because I'm letting God live through me."  No! Faith without works is nothing.  If you are not giving sacrificially of your time and money to serve others and spread the gospel, you are not serious about building God's Kingdom!  God is not going to "do it through you."  God wants you to obey.


A reader says ... Do you or your wife think it is sin for you and her to watch together in bed an erotic video at night - say from Sinclair Institute?  

A reader says ... All obsessions are wrong.  When God said "Love not the world and the things of the world, if anyone love the world the love of the Father is not in them."  God meant all obessions with the world, not just obessions with the beauty of the opposite sex.

You sound like you are obsessed with sex or obsessed with the opposite sex.  While it is not sin to admire the beauty of the opposite sex, it is sin to be obsessed with the beauty of the opposite sex.  

Being obsessed with anything is sin.  Being obsessed with baseball or football or hunting or living the American dream or anything else - they are all things of the world.

First you need to really believe that it is not sin to admire the opposite sex.  It is not sin to look at a picture of the opposite sex.  As long as you think it is sin to look at a picture of the opposite sex, the devil will continue to tempt you with it.  The opposite sex is not dirty.  There is nothing dirty about the anatomy of man or woman.

What is wrong is the obsession.  But the devil is the accuser of the brethren.  And the devil will continue to torture you with guilt as long as you continue to insist that looking at a picture of the opposite sex is sin and dirty.

Let me tell you a story.  There once was a young girl.  She watched a movie with some friends.  In the movie the man could hear the thoughts of the woman in the movie.  At one point in the movie the woman looked down at Mel Gibson's crotch and thought something like "he looks nice".  The viewers of the movie could tell she looked at his crotch and liked what she saw.  This girl for years after that felt guilty if she ever looked at a young mans crotch.  She also was mysteriously tempted to look and think about it for years.  Until an adult explained to her that it was not sin to think or look at a boys crotch.  They explained that when you go through puberty you begin to be aware of things like that and that it was normal to think about it at times.  But that you shouldn't dwell on it or consciously wish things like having sex.  

As long as that teenage girl thinks it is wrong to notice boys and as long as that teenage girl thinks it is sin to think about the fact that a boy has what boys have, she will continue to be tempted by the devil to think about that and it will continue to be an uncontrolled obsession that the devil puts there subconsciously.

Let me tell you another story.  I knew someone who was raised in a very strict Christian home where his sisters and mother were always fully clothed.  He did not see what a female looked like until he was around 20 years of age.  Needless to say all during his teenage years he was focused on sex and had sexual problems until he was in his 40's.  This man went to the Bible for answers.  He discovered that it is not sin to think the opposite sex is beautiful. He discovered it is not dirty to admire the beauty of the opposite sex.  Once he realized it was not sin but rather the Bible says "natural" to think the opposite sex is attractive, then he was able to stop feeling guilty for having thoughts of attraction toward the opposite sex.  Again the devil would use a lie of guilt to accuse him so he thought he was sinful to think the female body was beautiful.

That same persons brother-in-law who is a Pastor and a Christian was raised in a non-Christian home where his mother ran around naked most of the time.  He grew up with no sexual problems and no desire to see pornography.  Since he was raised seeing nudity all his life, it wasn't a big deal.  He knew instinctively that nudity was not sinful because he was raised with it.

So the key is to know the truth in the Bible.  Knowing that a boy has a penis is not a sin for a girl.  Noticing that boys have a bulge is not a sin for a girl.

The Bible teaches that looking at a picture of a female is not a sin for a man unless he covets to have the female.  I don't think you are coveting to have or have sex with the females you see pictures of.

So I would encourage you to read the Bible and study and find out for yourself that seeing the body of a female is not sin - by God's standards.  But being obsessed with it is wrong.  

Once you are convinced that it is not dirty to think females are beautiful, then the next step is to replace your obsession for thinking about women with an obsession for serving God and building God's kingdom.

You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.  But you have to do them.  You can't let go and let God - it doesn't work.  All verses in the Bible teach obedience.  None teach that you can't do it - all verses teach that you can do it with the encouragement of the Holy Spirit and Christ.  But you have to do it.  It is called self control.  

If you get excited about the Bible and about serving others and building God's kingdom with your time and resources, and you happen along the way to see a beautiful woman - well enjoy seeing her - it is not dirty - it is not sin.

And don't look at porn on the Internet.  Don't do it.  You should be saving all your sexual energy for your wife.  If you still have a desire to see naked women, then see if your wife will watch some of the sex education videos with you from DrugStore.com.  They are not dirty, they are not sinful when used by a husband and wife in a marriage.  

How do you get on fire for God?  By giving sacrificially of your time to studying the Bible, in prayer, and in service to others and in spreading the good news.  Give more of your money to the persecuted church, to starving children, to support native Pastors in developing countries.  And give more of your time to your family, to your church, to your neighbors, to spending time with your children.  You won't have much time left for Internet porn.  And make sure you do have sex frequently enough so that your testosterone levels do not build up too high.  Once every 3 days is usually ok.

What are your thoughts up to this point?

I pray God will give you wisdom and help you realize you don't really have a problem.  You have an opportunity.  If you have that much idle time to get yourself in trouble and feel guilty, then I think you need to start serving your master with your time and energy.

Replace the habits you have with serving God.  Have self control it is a fruit of the spirit.  You are no worse off than someone who is obsessed with golf or food or staying up late watching TV or any other worldly thing.  Instead of calling yourself dirty because you love the beauty of the opposite sex, recognize that 80 percent of Christian men claim to be in your same position and recognize that God called David who had 500 wives a "man after God's own heart" and so you too are not bad just because you think women are beautiful, but instead focus on serving God and others and studying the Bible and save your sexual energy for when you are with your wife.   The Holy Spirit can admonish you to change, but you have to change.  God bless you brother ...  And if you don't change, you eventually will.   Because the older you get the weaker your sex drive will be.  But far more important than your obsession is your lost time and energy serving God.  The devil has most Christians obsessed with something so that most Christians don't serve God and others in a sacrificial way with their time and money.  May God draft you into His service and may you bless many souls with the Gospel of Jesus Christ and with unconditional love.