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All types of marriage problems - need advice
I sent this message to marriageromance.com and I was hoping there would be anyone else here to maybe give me a second opinion. I know it's long, but it explains everything.
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Christine and I will have been married for 3 years as of this June. I thought we were both totally happy in our relationship. A couple of months ago, Christine asked me if I was happy. I told her that I was. She replied by saying that she wasn't. She began to cry, and revealed to me all the reasons she wasn't happy with our marriage.
She told me that I wasn't intimate enough. She said she feels like she always has to initiate sex and that this fact makes her feel unattractive and unwanted.
She told me that she needed a man who made her feel protected and secure. She felt like I never cared enough about her to stand up for her, which I'll explain later.
She feels like she has to be a different person around me than with her friends, because I don't like when she cusses. She also feels like she has to be 'cute' and funny around me because that's the way we were when we started dating.
She said, "Call me old-fashioned, but I always felt that the man would take care of the outside of the house and the woman would take care of the inside." At the time, I wasn't doing much outside work.
There are a few things that I have done that she says she's not sure she'll ever be able to forgive me for. They are the following: When we were dating, we broke up for about 8 months in which I dated another girl. When we got back together I continued to be nice to this girl even though she would insult my soon-to-be-wife. I should have stood up for her, but I didn't. Also, I was in a Christian band that bought a van (with the help of my wife) and once we got it, a band mate mentioned that 'no wives, girlfriends or anyone else not in the band would be allowed in the van'. This made my wife feel left out and infuriated. I should have stood up for her, but I didn't. And here's the most major instance: My wife's best friend was 8 months pregnant with a 2 year old son, and her husband who was the sole provider lost his job. We offered our house to them until he could get a new job. While at our house, we caught him stealing money and items for what we later found out was a heroin addiction. I was on my way home to tell him he had to move out. But knowing that he was violent and much stronger than me, I chickened out and made a detour for my parent's house for moral support. They gave it to me but also suggested that they come along just in case anything should happen. Just the fact that I went to my parents instead of handling the situation myself out of fear really cost me a lot of respect in my wife's eyes. And then there are little things everyday that tell me her that I'm still a boy and not a strong man that she can feel safe with.
Since we've had this conversation, I've made every attempt to turn it all around, and it's not done any good whatsoever.
I've been more intimate; I've kissed her throughout the day, I've told her how beautiful she is, I've bought her little gifts for no reason at all, I've told her I love her much more than I did before, but she would only accept these things half-heartedly. I cannot kiss her passionately or hug her close because she will not reciprocate. Every kiss is a peck and hurried.
I've tried to initiate sex plenty of times, but she says she's tired. When I seriously asked her about it, she began to cry and said she finds it hard to love me and she doesn't know why she's not in the mood, and she feels so smothered. After that conversation every time I try to initiate sex, she just pushes me away because she feels uncomfortable.
I've taken every chance possible to be the strong man that she desires; I'll walk her to the mailbox, I'll open doors for her, I'll call her to make sure she's safe, etc. It was the chivalry that was lacking, and I've done every chivalrous act when at all possible, but I've still seen no change in her.
Every time she cusses now, I still don't like it, but I don't say anything because I want her to feel like she can be herself; the way she is with her friends. She only cusses more frequently.
She still acts cute and funny, but I've never seen her act any other way, so I'm not expecting that to change.
I've made every attempt possible (at least once a week) to make more of outside work. It's now my only source of exercise. Our lawn is one of the greenest on the block, and always trim and neat.
As for the things that she can't forgive me for, there's not much I can do about that. I've asked for her forgiveness and she just tells me that she's not sure she can do that right now; it'll take a long time. I'm on this site looking for help because it's now been months since we've been intimate or have had sex, and tonight she moved to the other bedroom to sleep because it "feels better in there". I'm so frustrated because I've done everything I can and it's not enough. But after changing all these habits she feels that it's being forced. But it's not; I love her more than anything and I'm being more sincere about my actions than ever. I don't think she believes me when I tell her that.
I know that this is site gives Christian advice, and I'm okay with that. But just to give you an idea of our spiritual walk: We met in church. My dad was the new pastor of her church. When we got married, we started out going to church together. Eventually it was just me going because it was too hard to wake her up. Her excuse at the time was that she didn't like contemporary churches, but I can't get her to traditional churches either. I think she's just burnt out on church life her entire childhood and this is her first chance to be free from it on her own. Now neither of us go to church nor to do we pray together, but we still both profess to be Christians.
A major stressor on our relationship would be our schedules and our money. We only see each other when we go to bed or on Sundays because I work a lot and she's very busy with school, which she'll graduate from at the end of the year. But I can't change my work schedule because we can barely make ends meet as it is; I have to pick up extra shifts just to keep up. Luckily by the end of the year I can quit work and spend full time in school because she'll have a high paying job due to her degree.
I'm sorry that this note is so long, but I'm so worried about our relationship because she's the most important person in my life. I just can't afford $800 for professional counseling in town. Please help.
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