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A Solution For A Husband's Porn Problem
We believe that God does not want a wife to divorce her husband because he looked or looks at porn.
Instead we believe the correct approach to solving problems related to the differences between the sexual needs and desires of a husband and wife can be found in the words of Jesus when he said in Matthew 9:13, "But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."
Mercy and Love
Jesus lowered himself to the level of the people so he could minister to them. And Jesus broke some rules in doing so. In Mathew 11:19 Jesus says, "The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, 'Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and "sinners." ' But wisdom is proved right by her actions." "Wisdom is proved right by her actions" means that even though something may look bad it isn't bad, if the end result brings peace and harmony and glory to God. Saving a marriage from divorce would definitely come in this category.
For those 80 percent of Christian men who struggle with looking at porn, we plead with them to stop looking at porn, and commit to saving all their sexual energy for when they are with their spouse, and we point out that God does not condemn a married couple if they use erotic material in the privacy of their bedroom to help increase passion in their marriage and keep their marriage strong.
Differences Between Men And Women
A good place to begin applying the "mercy" Jesus talked about is to remember that when a husband and wife are married, they are committed to love each other through good times and bad, for better or for worse, until death they do part. And so they need to be tolerant of each other.
Men have a strong desire to admire the beauty of the female body. Women do not seem to have this same strong desire to admire the beauty of the male body.
Men enjoy looking at the female body similarly to the way they like to look at the stars on a beautiful clear night or look at the ocean or a beautiful meadow or other beautiful scenes in nature.
While women may not enjoy looking at men, instead they enjoy reading about romance and intimacy. Men do not seem to enjoy this as much. I was told that 85 percent of all books sold are romance novels which are primarily sold to women.
Understanding The Temptation
God knows that when you forbid something, it makes it more desirable. Our Christian culture forbids a man to look at a naked woman who is not his wife. Because it is forbidden to look, this makes it more of a temptation for men.
Short dresses and dresses with slits in them and sexy panty hose and sexy high heeled shoes with straps and low cut tops and beautiful makeup and beautiful hair dos; all these are designed to make women attractive to men.
Men are bombarded daily with visual images of scantily clad women on TV commercials and in internet ads, and in newspaper ads, and at work.
In our society today, when women wear bras, the bra normally holds the breast up and out, to make them look bigger, fuller, more beautiful and desirable. Push-up bras and padded bras are very common. These bras cause men to be more curious to see what is under the bra.
All these things work together to tempt men to look more. If men lived on farms without TV and newspapers and the only woman they ever saw was their wife, maybe they wouldn't think of looking at anyone else.
Would Women Look At Men?
Here is an imaginary society which is intended to help women understand why men are curious to look at women. Please do not get angry when you read it. I am not suggesting that our society be like this society. I'm only trying to help women understand the pressures that boys and men experience.
What if in this imaginary society roles were reversed. What if in this society it was forbidden for men to go in public topless and it was forbidden for a woman to look at a topless man.
What if it was ok for women to go in public topless after work and on weekends and at swimming pools and at the gym; and it was normal for men to see women topless.
What if in this society fathers raised young children so young girls did not see naked male babies and young boys growing up?
Young boys helped changing diapers in the nursery and young girls were not allowed to change diapers. And young girls could not help their Dad with their little brothers when the boys were not fully clothed. Young girls and young women and older women could not ever see the male body from the neck down to the ankles.
What if in this imaginary society men wore the make up and beautiful hair and shaved their legs and men wore the sexy dresses. And women could not wear makeup and they had their heads shaved or very short hair and could not shave their legs.
What if in this hypothetical society, men wore a genital cup to hold up and out the male genital organ so that it always stuck out and protruded under his pants, in a way similar to the way women wear bras that cause their breasts to stand out.
Would women be more conscious of male sexuality and be imagining what is underneath the pants when the pants are always showing a bulge down there? Would this, coupled with the fact that it was forbidden to see a man topless, and it was forbidden for girls to see boys growing up, would this cause women to be more curious to see what naked young men look like?
Could it be that if our society was this imaginary society that women might have problems similar to those men have now?
Habits Are Learned Young
They say it is almost impossible to break a habit that you started when you were very young. Isn't it possible that because our society makes it forbidden and wrong for a young boy to see what a female looks like, that this causes him to always be curious about what women look like even later in life?
I know someone who was raised in a strict home where they were never allowed to see what a female looks like. This boy never did see what a female looks like until he was 17 years old. So from the age he became aware of the opposite sex, possibly age 8, until he was 17, he often wondered what a female looked like. During this time he developed a very strong curiosity to see what a female looks like.
Then in his adult years he found that he still experienced the emotions and thought patterns of confusion and wonderment of what a female looks like - even though he was married.
I know another man who was brought up with his mother going around the house naked all the time. Interestingly, now that he is an adult he does not have a strong curiosity to see what the female body looks like.
Could it be that boys have an innocent curiosity to see what females looks like. And that those who grow up in an environment where they are taught they are perverted if they look or want to look at a naked female, and who never do see a naked female until their adult years, end up having sexual problems when they grow up?
Curiosity, Beauty, Or Cheating Heart?
Distinguishing between a mans curiosity, his admiration of feminine beauty, and a man lusting and coveting to have sex with another woman is important.
When a man has a cheating heart and is seeking to find someone to have sex with, he is more likely to be looking for a real person to have sex with, not naked pictures. If he has a coveting heart he is looking for a way to cheat on his wife.
Nudity In The Bible
During Bible times people bathed in public places, slaves were sold naked in the market place and men were allowed to have multiple wives and concubines. King David could see women bathing from his palace and he danced naked in the streets. Nudity is not condemned in the New Testament or Old Testament.
Jealousy In Marriage
Many women become jealous when they discover their husband has looked at porn.
This jealousy may be rooted in pride or in fear that they may lose their husband to a younger woman. Jealousy is not healthy for a relationship, unless the partner who is looking for an excuse to get out of the marriage.
Try not to let fear motivate you. If you are afraid your husband might leave you because he looks at porn, you need not worry. I have been told that 80 percent of Christian men struggle with looking at porn. If looking at porn did cause these men to cheat or leave their wives, wouldn't we have very high divorce rates among Christians? Christian men are not cheating on their wives and leaving their wives in high numbers.
The truth is that men look at porn as a way to help them be content with their wife. They are not wanting to cheat on their wife. Their curiosity tempts them to look.
Instead of becoming jealous, it is better to discuss with your husband why he has the urge or desire to look at porn.
Save Your Sexual Energy For Each Other
We believe that a husband should not look at porn if it offends his wife. If she does not allow him to look, then he should not look.
We also recommend that men not look at porn when they are alone. Instead, we recommend that a husband and wife save all their sexual energy for then they are together in bed.
Commit To Meeting Each Others Needs
Once the husband and wife agree to save their sexual energy for each other, then they both need to commit to meeting each others needs.
Be Creative In Romance
This may involve using sex aides to help each other enjoy sex more. Some common sex aides are; going out to dinner before romance, lighting candles in the bedroom, playing soft romantic music, or maybe even spending the night at a motel. Other sex aides are reading moral erotic stories together, listening to moral erotic stories together and watching moral erotic videos together in bed.
Especially today Jesus wants us to live under God's Grace and not under the law. This web site was founded on the premise that God would much rather a married couple use erotic materials in their marriage while they grow spiritually, than get divorced because of arguments about it.
A Solution For A Husband's Porn Problem
For those 80 percent of Christian men who struggle with looking at porn, we invite them to stop looking at porn, and commit to saving all their sexual energy for when they are with their spouse, and we point out that God does not condemn a married couple if they use erotic material in the privacy of their bedroom to help increase passion in their marriage and keep their marriage strong.
Once we are saved we no longer live under the Old Testament law. In 1 Corinthians 6 verses 12 to 17 Paul says that now that we are saved, "all things are permissible but not all things are profitable."
A Moral Source Of Erotic Materials For Marriage
We have provided this web site as a moral source of erotic materials for married couples, and we suggest that reading these stories together at night is the preferred way to use erotic material in a marriage. However we are not legalistic and we point out that God would far prefer a married couple to watch a rated X video together than to argue about it and end up getting divorced.
When a married couple agrees to save their sexual energy for each other, God is pleased. When a married couple has passion for each other - even if the passion is enhanced by a lit candle, or by the fragrance of incense burning, or by soft music playing, or by the reading or listening or watching of moral erotic material, God is pleased. God is pleased when marriages have strong bonds of intimacy. We hope you will agree and help us change the world for good ... for God.
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