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Marital Infidelity
Introduction
This morning I heard a nice sermon on marital infidelity. The text was Proverbs Chapter 5 through Chapter 7.
Redefining Adultery Into Marital Infidelity
The Pastor spent a lot of time developing what he called “marital infidelity”.
Marital infidelity
The Pastor's definition included flirting at work, watching soap operas, reading romance novels, and looking at porn on the Internet and a host of other things people do in the area of sexual conduct.
The Basis For Sin
The Pastor's premise for “marital infidelity” being sin, was that these things are being done without the spouse's consent.
Marital Infidelity Is Adultery?
The Pastor then declared “marital infidelity” is a form of adultery itself.
The Problem With A Broad Definition Of Adultery
If we redefine “adultery” to include any expression of sexual energy by a spouse outside the marriage bed, for example flirting at work or reading a romance novel, it sounds fine at first.
But then remember that Jesus said that you could divorce your spouse
for “marital infidelity”.
So now married couples can divorce each other if they can prove their spouse watches soap operas, flirts at work or looks at porn.
The Truth About “Marital Infidelity”
In I Corinthians 7:5, Paul warns that when a spouse's sexual needs are not getting met, they will be tempted to sin.
The truth is that when a spouse is having problems in the bedroom, they end up with unused sexual energy. It escapes in various ways in the form of flirting, watching soap operas, looking at porn and other sexual outlets.
As a person tries to find ways to meet their sexual needs, short of outright adultery, these things can actually be signs that the person wants the marriage to work. If they wanted to commit adultery they would find someone to physically have sex with.
The Biblical Definition Of Adultery
The Biblical definition for adultery is when a married man or woman is caught in the act of having sex with someone who is not his or her spouse.
While Jesus said it is possible to commit adultery in your mind, since we are not mind readers, we need to remember that “man looks on the outward appearance but God looks on the heart” and unless we have physical proof of adultery we have no basis for divorcing our spouse.
The Basis For Sin Revisited
The Pastor's premise for “marital infidelity” being sin was that these things, like flirting or reading romance novels, were being done without the spouse's consent.
So is it sin to read a romance novel with your spouse? What is the basis of sin then?
Is it sin if your spouse encourages you to flirt? Is it sin then? I know someone who asked his wife to inflict one “random act of kindness” on one lucky man a day. He asked his wife to randomly compliment one man a day at the grocery store or wherever. He thought it would be good for his wife's self-esteem and would “make the day” for one lucky guy.
The Basis For Sin Should Be The Bible
Christians need to go back to the Bible to find the basis for why things like flirting, reading romance novels, looking at porn and other things are wrong.
What The Bible Says About Erotic Material
Christians should not watch erotic material that took immoral activity to make.
For example if a video depicts a husband and wife in bed together having sex and the actors are not married, they are committing adultery for the sake of the video.
Christians should not watch or read erotic material that promotes immoral activity such as premarital sex or sex outside of marriage.
If Christians would follow this Biblical guideline, they would not watch most TV, Cable movies, PG, PG-13, R, and X movies since most of them promote or condone sex outside of marriage.
If reading or watching erotic material causes the Christian to covet having sex with someone outside of marriage they should not read or watch it.
Covet or Lust
What Lust Is
Covet or lust is a burning desire that does not go away and eats at a person day in and day out. Lust or covetousness captivates the person to the point that they “would if they could”. Coveting or lusting can be for sex itself, for sex with a certain person, for a new car, for a new dress, for a vacation, or for anything. The way to know if you are coveting or lusting after something is whether or not you have to have it now, or are you willing to wait until God gives it to you in God's own timing.
What Covet or Lust is Not
If a person is content to simply see something and not have to have it, they are not lusting or coveting.
If it is enough to see a new car, and even though it would be nice to have it, but you will be content without it, this is not lust.
If it is enough to see the beauty of a person, with or without clothes, of the opposite sex, and even though they would be nice to be married to, you are content without having them as your own, it is not lust.
Lust Is Not An Increase In Passion
A misunderstanding some have is that if you read or watch something that causes you to have an increase in sexual desire or passion, that this is lust. Sexual desire is an emotion. God never says having an emotion is sin. Emotions can lead to sin but emotions are not sin. Fear, anger, sorrow, sexual desire, are all emotions.
Sexual Problems In Marriage
In I Corinthians 7:5, Paul said, “Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control.”
Paul makes it clear that a married couple should enjoy sex regularly and that each spouse is responsible to make sure their spouse's sexual needs are getting met.
Sexual problems in a Christian marriage originate from one of the spouses not feeling sexually fulfilled. The spouse who is needing sexual fulfillment and not receiving, may turn to porn or romance novels or flirting or other things as a release of sexual energy in a effort to vent sexual energy, not in an effort to commit adultery. If the spouse wanted to commit adultery they would go find someone to have sex with.
The solution to marriage sex problems is for the husband and wife to do as Paul said and work out their sexual problems together.
The married couple should talk about what they each like, what turns them on, what is exciting. They should each strive to meet each other's needs.
Sex Aides In Marriage
Can a married couple use sex aids in their marriage to help them have more passion for each other?
Yes a married couple can use external aids to help them have more passion for each other.
Roses And Dinner – The Preferred Sex Aide
In the sermon, the Pastor suggested roses and dinner out as a way to arouse a wife's passions.
Other Sex Aides
Reading a short marriage romance story from MarriageRomance.com can add passion to a marriage.
Watching an erotic video could add passion to a marriage.
There may be sex education videos that have been made by doctors or psychologists that show married couples teaching sex enjoyment techniques. One of these would probably be fine to help a troubled marriage – although I have not personally used them in my marriage.
If Christian leaders would recognize the value in erotic materials, there would be those who would begin to produce moral erotic materials to meet the standards Christians set.
Vibrators, lingerie, candles, fragrances, vacations, etc are all sex aides.
Beware Of Doctrines Of Demons
A Good Idea
Remember in I Corinthians 7, where Paul said it was good to not get married?
Becomes A Doctrine Of Demons
In I Timothy 4:3, Timothy says there will be doctrines of demons that prohibit marriage.
So here we see that when you take a good idea (not getting married so you can serve God) and turn it into a law (prohibiting marriage) it becomes a doctrine of demons.
Christian leaders need to be careful not to condemn all erotic materials, especially when they are being used to help hurting marriages, lest they become workers of the devil.
Porn Tracking Sites
Christian men frequent porn sites so often that in an effort to help Christian men, in today's sermon, the Pastor made each man get out a pen and paper and write down the web site address of a site that tracks where you go on the internet. Each week your Internet history is emailed to a friend who exhorts you if you went to a porn site.
This seems like putting a Band-Aid on the problem instead of fixing the problem at the source.
If Christian married couples had the freedom to use moral erotic material in their marriages there would be no need to track their Internet visits to porn sites.
The husband and wife could go to the web site together if that is what they want to do. There would be nothing wrong with this.
Why not instruct the husbands and wives to agree on doing sexually related activities together instead of condemning the activities?
Conclusion
The divorce rate is higher among Christians than other Americans. 75 percent of evangelical married Christian men supposedly masturbate regularly.
If Christians could free themselves from the burdens of legalism and go solely to the Bible for answers to moral issues, the Christian divorce rates would go way down and Christian married couples would end up far more effective in spreading the Gospel Of Jesus Christ.
God wants to save marriages. God gave us sex. God gave us Song of Solomon. God never condemns any erotic material at all in the Bible. Why condemn something that can be a lifeline to an area of marriages that the church cannot reach – marriage intimacy? Why limit God, why not trust God that the rules He put in the Bible are sufficient?
Hebrews 8 10b - 12 says, "I will put my laws in their minds and write them on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. No longer will a man teach his neighbor, or a man his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord,' because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest. For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."
This is the new covenant. This is God's Grace. Why not trust God with this area of sexuality.
Why not provide real solutions to help married couples and let the Holy Spirit do the rule making? This is the way Paul says that God wants to change hearts - not by laws but via the Holy Spirit through God's grace.
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