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What about fantasies?
At times a husband and wife will make up and tell each other a fantasy story while making love in order to help each other get turned on. Is that sinful?
What is a fantasy? A fantasy is when you "imagine what it would be like". If I showed you my new car you might fantasize about what it would be like to drive it. Fantasizing is not coveting or lusting. Lusting or coveting is when you want something that is not yours, so bad that you are not happy with what God has given you.
I think we all would agree that it is not wrong when an engaged person "imagines what it will be like" to make love to their future mate.
But what about a husband or wife "imagining what it would be like" to have sexual relations with someone outside their marriage?
The danger of sexual fantasies is that they may cause your mate to not trust you because your spouse thinks you want to do what you described in your fantasy. When you want to do something immoral, that is called coveting or lust, and that is sin.
Normally a husband or wife never thinks about having sexual relations outside of marriage. If someone does, their spouse is automatcailly going to think they are wanting to commit adultery. That is why a married person should never make up a fantasy about sex outside of marriage unless their spouse specifically asks them to.
Sin starts with imagining what it would be like, then it moves from imagining to wanting to do it and then it leads to being unhappy because you can't do it (lust/coveting), and then it moves to going and physcially doing it (adultery).
And so a danger of sexual fantasies is that a spouse who wishes they could cheat in their marriage may think their spouse is condoning their fantasy, and so they might go out and do the fantasy.
If a husband and wife allow each other to "imagine what it would be like" to have sex outside of marriage, the marriage needs to be very strong so that the husband and wife do trust each other and know they would never do anything against the wishes of their spouse.
I'm not encouraging married couples to have fantasies. It is far better if you don't need them in your sex life. But for those who need help getting aroused, it is important to know that they are not sinful. God doesn't want Christians to go around feeling guilty when they shouldn't be feeling guilty. The Bible says the devil is the accuser of the brethren and God knows guilty Christians are not very productive Christians.
My opinion is that it is far better to use fantasies and other erotic methods to get turned on than it is to use drugs like Viagra. Drugs have side effects that harm the body where erotic materials do not.
What is the Biblical basis for married couples to makeup and tell each other fantasies?
First, fantasies do help the married couples get sexually aroused for their spouse. Paul teaches in the New Testament that if God does not condemn something, then it is permissible if it is profitable to help the Christian. So if the fantasies help the married couple's lovelife, then there is reason to allow them.
Second the Bible is very permissive in the area of marriage sexual issues when a husband and wife are in agreement about the sexual activity.
Can we all agree that marriage is defined as the union of one man with one woman? Any sex outside of this union is defined as "sex outside of marriage".
As you may know God condoned King David having hundreds of wives. Each wife after the first wife, is considered "sex outside of marriage".
As you may know Sarah gave her husband Abraham permission to have sex with her maid Hagar. And Abraham gave his wife Sarah permission to have sex with the Kings of Egypt.
God allowed "sex outside of marriage" in the Bible as long as it was not stealing someone else's spouse and as long as it was not sex with a virgin. So in the Bible, "sex outside of marriage" is called adultery, unless their spouse or society gave them permission to have sex outside of marriage. So technically in the Bible, what makes "sex outside of marriage" sinful is when it is done without permission. Propery rights was what was important in the Old Testament. Stealing was what was sinful. Stealing someone's spouse was called adultery. But the case studies show that when a husband and wife (Sarah and Abraham) or the society (polygamy) agreed for one of them to have "sex outside of marriage", then it was not condemned. And never in the Bible was a couple condemned for giving their spouse permission to have sex outside of marriage. Sarah was rebuked for not trusting God that she could have a baby, but never was she condemned for allowing Abraham to have sex with Hagar. And God did condemn the Kings for stealing Sarah away from Abraham but God never condemned Abraham for allowing Sarah to have sex with the Kings. So the bottom line is that God gives married couples and society great freedom in how married couples can meet each others sexual needs and desires.
As Christians the only way we are going to change the world and build Christ's kingdom is to be honest about what the Bible says. An honest reading of Song Of Songs reveals King Solomon was most likely married to other women (Song Of Songs 1:3b says, "No wonder the maidens love you!" ... Solomon had 1500 wives and concubines), and was having "sex outside of marriage" in Song Of Songs Chapters 1 to 4 where he has sex with a beautiful unmarried young woman. The King and his lover get married in Chapter 4 and yet describe their sexual relations in Chapters 1 to 4.
Even though the Bible does not condemn "sex outside of marriage" as long as the spouse or the society allows it, my personal convictions are that I would not do it. However I think we should allow it in fantasy stories as long as the husband and wife give each other permission to fantasize.
So can a husband tell his wife a fantasy story about her having sexual interaction with another man? Yes, if in the fantasy the man is single or has the permission from his wife, the husband may make up a fantasy about his wife in order to help increase passion in the marriage bed.
Can a wife make up a fantasy about her having sex with another man? Yes, if her husband asks her to make up the story and as long as the other man in the fantasy is single or in the fantasy has permission from his wife.
Is it wrong to fantasize about homosexual relations? Yes it is wrong to fantasize about anything that is immoral.
God is the one who says homosexual conduct is sinful so there is no way to get permission to do that or permission to fantasize about that. Why? Because God says it is unnatural. The Bible says heterosexual sex is natural, and the bible teaches homosexual sex is not natural and that is why God says it is wrong.
Our Christian belief is that the Bible is infallible, totally inerrant and totally applicable to our living today. And our Christian belief is that God is the same yesterday, today and forever.
And so the laws in the Old Testament, like the burning of witches, the beating of slaves, the allowing of divorce, the allowing of polygamy, concubines, and sex slaves, the cutting off of a woman's hand when she defends her husband in a fight, the making of a wife to drink sewer water if you had jealous feelings of her, the cursing of an illegitimate child for ten generations, and the list could go on; all these laws penned in the name of God; how can we reconcile them, if indeed the Bible is perfect and God is the same yesterday, today and forever and all scriptures are inspired and relevant to today?
Our Christian belief would dictate that if slavery was ok in Bible times, then it is ok today. God's law said they could beat their slaves and kill them as long as they didn't die within the first 2 days of beating (Exodus 21:21). The verse goes on to say they can treat slaves this way because slaves are their "property". There was no value for human life there.
So how do we reconcile our beliefs? I believe the following. God is the same, yesterday, today and forever. And Jesus himself said that the Old Testament laws on divorce did not reflect God, Jesus said "Moses" made the law up, not God (Matthew 19:8). So Jesus points out that the Jewish system of law did not necessarily reflect God but still the people had to keep the laws. But then when Jesus died on the cross, Jesus changed all that. Jesus fulfilled the law and Paul said we are no longer under the law (Galatians 3:25).
We all can agree the Old Testament does not always reflect God's nature but rather reflects their culture. Which means the Old Testament wasn't dropped out of heaven and isn't perfect but rather is tainted by the culture of those who wrote it.
The truth is, God dealt with people throughout the centuries and people wrote down their experiences. Their experiences can be tainted by their culture.
God is the same yesterday, today and forever, and so either the Old Testament law is in error when it says it was given by God, or else God does condone slavery, polygamy, and many other odd harsh inhumane things.
Jesus gave us the answer to how to interpret the Old Testament. Jesus said the Old Testament law on divorce (which says it was given by God) was from Moses and did not reflect God (Matthew 19:8). We have to take Jesus' approach too.
This approach can be supported by the correct interpretation of the verses that we quote to say that all scripture is inspired by God.
Those verses are 2 Timothy 3:16-17 in the NIV says, “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”
But if we look at the context and look at the literal translation (Young's Literal Translation) we see that most likely Paul was not saying the Old Testament was inspired but rather the New Testament writings are inspired. Notice in these verses Paul is not referring to the Old Testament but rather to his own teachings and writings that teach about Jesus. Those can only be new Testament letters and possibly the Gospels.
In 2 Timothy 3 verses 10 to 17 Paul says, "10 And thou -- thou hast followed after my teaching, manner of life, purpose, faith, long-suffering, love, endurance,
11 the persecutions, the afflictions, that befel me in Antioch, in Iconium, in Lystra; what persecutions I endured, and out of all the Lord did deliver me,
12 and all also who will to live piously in Christ Jesus shall be persecuted,
13 and evil men and impostors shall advance to the worse, leading astray and being led astray.
14 And thou -- be remaining in the things which thou didst learn and wast entrusted with, having known from whom thou didst learn,
15 and because from a babe the Holy Writings thou hast known, which are able to make thee wise -- to salvation, through faith that [is] in Christ Jesus;
16 every Writing [is] God-breathed, and profitable for teaching, for conviction, for setting aright, for instruction that [is] in righteousness,
17 that the man of God may be fitted -- for every good work having been completed.”
In these verses we see Paul is referring to Holy Writings that lead to salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. The Old Testament didn't have any verses that lead to salvation through faith in Jesus, since Jesus had not come. Most likely Paul is referring to his own letters and letters from other apostles and maybe the Gospels.
Paul would not have been promoting the Old Testament law. If you read Galatians and Ephesians and even Romans you will see that Paul did not want Christians to fall back under the law. And so Paul would have been referring to inspired New Testament writings that Paul says lead people to salvation through faith in Christ Jesus – those inspired writings would not have been the Old Testament.
But aren't Christians supposed to live very holy pure lives? Doesn't God want us to be set apart and make self-sacrifices to not indulge in things that we might enjoy? Good question. What does God require of Christians?
Jesus said in Matthew 11:28-30 , says “28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
In Jewish culture Jesus was a Rabbi or Teacher. Each Rabbi or Teacher had a “yoke” or list of rules that the Rabbi felt people should keep in order to get to heaven. Jesus said his “yoke” was not a long list of rules to keep.
In Mark chapter 10 verses 17 to 21 Jesus explains how to get to heaven. Mark 10: 1-21 reads, “17 As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. "Good teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
18 "Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good—except God alone. 19 You know the commandments: 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.'"
20 "Teacher," he declared, "all these I have kept since I was a boy."
21 Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."
Notice that Jesus “yoke” is not a long list of rules. The only difficult thing Jesus said was that we should be generous with the poor.
Jesus explains further how to get to heaven when in Luke chapter 10 it reads:
“25 On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
26 "What is written in the Law?" he replied. "How do you read it?"
27 He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
28 "You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live."
29 But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, "And who is my neighbor?"
30 In reply Jesus said: "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31 A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32 So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33 But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. 35 The next day he took out two silver coins[e] and gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.'
36 "Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?"
37 The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him."
Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise."
In Matthew chapter 25 verses 31 to 46 Jesus further explains how to get to heaven. It reads:
31"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. 32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
34 "Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37 "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40 "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
41 "Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'
44 "They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'
45 "He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'
46 "Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."
Jesus wants us to believe that He is God and that He died for our sins and he wants us to show love and mercy to our neighbors far more than He wants us to keep a set of rules.
In Matthew 9:13 Jesus said, “But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."
And in Matthew 12:7 Jesus said, “If you had known what these words mean, 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice,' you would not have condemned the innocent.”
Jesus is borrowing from Hosea 6:6 where God said, “For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings.”
Jesus is saying being a Christian is not about keeping rules. It is about showing love and mercy to people. It is not about making self-sacrifices by not doing this or not having fun, but it is rather about living our life to glorify God and show love and mercy to others.
Contrast the requirements that Jesus laid out for getting to heaven compared to those of the religious leaders of Jesus day.
Matthew chapter 23 verses 1 to 3 read, “1 Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples: 2 "The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat. 3 So you must obey them and do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. 4 They tie up heavy loads and put them on men's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them.”
Notice Jesus first starts out by saying the Pharisees make up rules that the people have to keep. Then Jesus says the religious leaders put heavy loads of rules on people but the religious leaders don't try and help find solutions to remove the rules.
Jesus goes on to say that by making up all the rules the religious leaders are shutting the kingdom of heaven in people's faces. Matthew 23 verse 13 says, "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men's faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.”
Then Jesus goes on to say that the religious leaders send missionaries out to make converts but, because of all the rules, the converts end up worse off after they are saved. In Matthew 23 verse 15, Jesus says, "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as you are.”
So it's not about condemning couples who fantasize. It is not even about condemning couples who swap partners. It's not about being holier than thou. It really never was about those things as we know God condoned similar conduct in the Old Testament in the lives of Abraham, Sarah, King David, King Solomon and others.
It is about, not murdering, not stealing, not lying to hurt people, not defrauding, honoring your parents, helping the hurting and the poor, and acknowledging that Jesus is God and that He died for our sins so we can go to heaven.
Micah 6 verses 6 to 8 sum up what God requires of man. The passage, asks what should a person do to please God? Should they bow down before God, should they make burnt offerings to God, should they offer their first born child to God, should they give the fruit of their body to God? Then the author says what God showed him. God simply told him to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with God. Let's read Micah 6 verses 6 to 8:
"6 With what shall I come before the LORD
and bow down before the exalted God?
Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,
with calves a year old?
7 Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams,
with ten thousand rivers of oil?
Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression,
the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?
8 He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God."
Christian life is not about judging what a husband and wife agree to do with the 1 percent of their life we call their "love life". But rather Christian living is about what a husband and wife do with the other 99 percent of their life. Do they act justly, do they love mercy, show mercy to others and do they love God walk humlbly with God by acknowledging and thanking God for all that God has done for them.
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