Struggles with my wife, our sex life, and Satan

I am a young man in my late 20's who has been married for less than a year.  My wife is in her early 20's. However, like the original poster described his wife, she has an extremely low sex drive. I always have to be the one who instigates any kind of sexual activity.  For someone who has always struggled with his body image (I am tall, bald, and thin), the mere threat of not being desired by your spouse is a tough feeling to deal with sometimes. I have tried - keeping the harmony I might add - to explain to her my frustrations in the best biblically-based way I know how.  She vows each time to make improvements but, predictably, this lasts for a few days and then returns to the status quo.  

Our sex life is even more complicated by the fact that she refuses to try new positions, give or receive oral sex, becomes very ticklish most of the time (which ruins the mood for me), and, on top of everything, was sexually abused by her older brother at a young age. I have pleaded with her to seek counseling for this but she refuses to do so and says she will continue to "pray and deal with it in my own way." To make matters worse, I was raised in an environment where sexual immorality was tolerated.  Although my parents and I attended church regularly, nobody took me aside to explain to me why lust is a sin.  All I ever heard growing up was "no sex before marriage" but no one ever told me why.  As a result, I struggled with a porn addiction throughout the past decade, as well as many pre-marital sexual encounters.  Before I met my wife, I was in no less than 15 sinful relationships with women where fornication occurred.  Some of these sinful escapades exposed me to women who actually desired intimacy and made me feel "wanted."  In fact, my irresponsible sexual behavior was the #1 reason I decided to get married because the bible clearly states a man should marry if he cannot control his loins.  

Although I have always referred to myself a Christian, I truly did not understand God's word until I met my wife.  We began attending church services regularly together and our relationship has flourished in other areas based on God's word.  Although I have, over time, successfully defeated my porn addictions, I cannot say that I am fully recovered.  Because of our dormant sex life, I suddenly find myself desiring other women from time to time, including my ex-girlfriends. Sometimes, my lust can be so intense that I think about divorcing my wife and searching for someone who will meet my needs.  I love my wife with all my heart and it kills me for even thinking this way.  However, she is 24 and I can't see her sex drive changing as she gets older, no matter what I say or I do.  I love my wife and would not change anything else about her personality.  

But with that being said, what is the point of being married to someone who does not desire you?  

This is probably the most difficult thing I've had to deal with.  However, it is refreshing to hear other people's stories and to know that I am not alone.  Thank you for taking time to read this and God bless.      

Comments From Readers

A reader says ... Hey I thought about my post and I didn't mean to be putting you down or saying you were juddging others.  

But emotions are contagious.  This morning we went to church and sang emotional songs and got all pumped up about living for God.

My wife was just like your wife.  She never has been interested in sex.  But if we were in a room of a few couples and she was watching the other couples kissing and caressing and making love, then since emotions are contagious, she would get horny.  Well we don't really want to sit in a room with a bunch of couples and all have sex with our mates.  But we can watch married couples on youporn . com.  Like last night she wasn't interested in sex until we watched a short segment from youporn . com.  She was hot and bothered in about 30 seconds and we ended up both comming really good.  We don't watch the erotic videos all the time.  We wish we didn't need the videos.  But I don't take Viagra and we are around 60 years old.  So we need helps at times.

When I was young I felt just like you.  Finally I discovered that erotic vidoes help get my wife hot and bothered.  Ever since then we have had a great sex life.  I still wish my wife would get turned on by me - but I guess some wives just don't do that.  Erotic videos are the next best thing - since at lease she gets turned on and comes really good. May God help bless you in your marriage.



A reader says ... A word of encouragement.  A womans sex drive increases and peaks at age 35 so there is still hope for your wife.  

Why do you think looking at porn is sin? It is no more sin than looking at a new car magazine.  The burden of proof for determining whether you are sinning is the same for lusting after a woman as it is for lusting after a new car.  Lust actually means covet in the Bible.

I'm not suggesting you look at porn when alone, but want to free you of the past guilt and help you understand so you won't wrongfully judge others - like my wife and I who look at porn to help us get aroused so we maintain a vibrant sex life.  

If your wife knew the truth that porn is not sin, maybe she would watch an erotic video with you and get turned on and then you and she could have a hot sex life.  It really works as long as you keep moderation in everything and save it for when you are both together so you can get really hot for each other.  Blessings!