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What should I do?

What should I do? - Date Written: 9/1/2007

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Title: "What should I do?"  Author: Unknown

My husband spanked me the other day. He always tells me how nosey I am and last week I told his sister to make a certain "career move"...well let's just say it wasn't the best advice and it did NOT have a good outcome...well, my husband had already told me I should stay out of it, so he was mad when he found out.

He took my arm and slapped my rear a few times. It hurt and I cried...but then when he apologized I forgave him. Should I have? I later told him I didn't appreciate him spanking me and he said, "Well, maybe you should have stayed out of it." We've been married for eight years and he's never done this before. I don't know if he'll do it again. I love him a lot and we really do have a very good marriage.

He's always respectful and I don't think he sees spanking me as wronghe was just sorry that he had to do itand not sorry that he did it like he said. I guess I just need some advice on what to do. I thought about threatening him with a divorce if he did it again, but the thought of divorce makes me cringe. I would hate to do that because I love him so much.

We have two children and we're all so happy. And to be honest, and I know this sounds bad, but I didn't mind being spanked. I mean, there was no sexual pleasure in it or anything, but it didn't hurt that much and it was over really quick. It took the place of a long, drawn out, never ending and pointless argument that we would have had if he hadn't done it.

I guess what I'm trying to say isI'm pretty sure that this isn't normal. But is it wrong? If so, how wrong is it? Wrong enough for a divorce? Even though I don't think it was a big deal? Where do I go from here?

Editors Note:
Yes it is not normal. Your husband should not spank you. The Bible does not teach that the husband and wife should punish each other. The marriage relationship is one of love not of parent/child.

I'm not an expert, but my opinion is that if you don't want him to do it he shouldn't. You are not his child, you are his wife. He should treat you with respect. Husbands do not normally spank a wife, unless the wife asks the husband to do so.

It sounds like he did not mean harm to you, he may have been confused about his role. But now that he knows he's not supposed to spank you, he probably won't do that again.

But it is certainly not something worth breaking up your marriage over especially if he only did it once, and you say you don't think it's a big deal. I would just forgive him, and later in life, you may both think back about how he spanked you and chuckle about it.

It sounds like you took it well and are willing to forgive him and that is good. It sounds like you will not hold it against him too. Good analysis and God Bless your marriage. J
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Comments
Comment by: Old Site Date: 2/9/2013 7:48:39 PM
A reader says ... Husbands do get spanked or at least this one does. It is arousing. I don't know why but I never let it get into the punishment scenario and it's between us alone not other couples like I've read on here.

A reader says ... Good point! Why don't the husbands get spanked?

A reader says ... Who spanks the husbands? That is another area that does exist but that is even worse than wife disciplining. I believe if theres no punishment or head of house business involved the husband or the wife can be spanked simply because it is arousing to them and leads to great sex.

A reader says ... Wives should be spanked because they want to be, because it is erotic. Punishments are an area not to mess in. Keep it playful and erotic.

A reader says ... This whole conversation is baffling to me. Could someone please suggest some Scriptures that give concrete evidence that the Lord intended for husbands to spank their wives if he determined she was out of line? And secondly, who is charged with the duty of disciplining husbands? Surely nobody would think that husbands are perfect, so who is responsible for disciplining them, and how should it be performed?

A reader says ... I agree strongly with the editor's posting. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. I don't see anything the scripture that suggested that Jesus physically disciplined any of His followers in spite of their failings. He led them with love and compassion.

A reader says ... I have to say that I have been impressed with the responses with the women on this website and in today's society in general via other websites. It is comforting to know that there are "real" true and God-fearing men out there who have no problem defying this century's mentality and feel very comfortable in the home that they rule. It is a man's right to discipline his wife in a comforting and loving way. I am still very proud since my last correnspondence in knowing that the man that I am going to marry is still very much a man and makes no bones about putting me across his knee as he sees fit and spanking me for my wrong doings. As I look around and see so many women trying to run their homes and pushing their men aside, I wish more men would just stand up and take change and give their wives what they need the most...a good old fashioned spanking. God bless the men who run their homes as they should be.

A reader says ... I think the husband was in his rights to spank his wife.

My future husband has made it clear that he is going to wear the pants in the family and expects me to love, honor and "obey" him. He also informed me that if I get out of line, that I should expect to be taken over his knee and spanked. I laughed when he said that and then without warning he pulled me across his lap and spanked me to tears. When he let me up, he asked me if I understood his wishes and I nodded in agreement. He then kissed my cheek and told me how much he loved me. He also told me that it was out of love that he gave me the much deserved spanking. My father only spanked me once, but I realize now that I needed it much more. My fiance has had the need to spank me several times since then. I cannot agrue that he was wrong in doing so. I have to admit, he has helped me see the error of my stubborn ways. And I know he loves me very much.

A reader says ... I am spancked quite often, for nagging mainly, always in private on my bare bottom, no i don't like it and it stings like hell, but i do know when i have over stepped the mark!

A reader says ... First off, there's a difference between "normal" and "typical." Domestic discipline realtionships are not typical, they are a minority. And while it's certainly not for me or my DH, I don't think they're abnormal (which to me implies an amount of deviance).

That being said, none of this sounds like a healthy use of DD. When both parties agree to it and it's used as negative reinforcement to break bad habits, that's one thing. But if the only way you can keep from fighting is for him to resort to the domestic equivilant of Kruschev pounding his shoe on the UN podium, it's not good for the marriage. Being contentious and argumentative is not good for the marriage. It's a sign of people who have weak communication skills. Doing things like embarassing your spouse, the person you love, for your personal entertainment is not good for the marriage. It's a sign of disrespect. If you want a healthy marriage, put some time and energy into solving the underlying problems (through counseling or DD or whatever makes your boat float) as opposed to just finding a way for one person to end an argument by exerting his dominence.

A reader says ... I guess it depends on whether or not the woman feels her husband was justified in his actions. Since he told her not to interfere, and it did involve his family, I wonder why she didn't respect his wishes in the first place. I think they need to talk about it. If he feels that spanking is the only way he can resolve issues with her and she totally disagrees, then this is about more than just her sore bottom. I know I have continued many an argument secretly wishing my husband would just take me over his knee and be done with it.

A reader says ... Normal my butt...Give me a break... I can just see your husband being ok with you spanking him...Ladies, learn to stand up for yourself and quit making excuses for the jerks....If my dh ever tried that, he wouldn't know what to do with himself cause my butt would be out the door. I'm not his child, or sibling, or anything other then his wife & equal, and he better remember that.

A reader says ... In my reading of the Bible, I understand it to say that the Husband is the head of the family just as Christ is the head of the Church. I see where it says for the Husband is to love the Wife as he loves himself, and for the Wife to submit to her Husband as she does to God. These are very real statements to me, and to my Husband. My Husband asks for my opinions and considers them when he is making the decisions for our family...he never takes the choices he has to make for all of us lightly, and I don't question his judgement. I know that he loves me, and our children, as he loves himself. I obey...remember that word, it used to be in the wedding vows...his wishes and govern myself according to the agreement we made with each other and with God. I know what my Husband expects of me, just as I know the consequences for not acting in an appropriate manner. For those of you who are viewing me as an abused wife...understand that I know the difference, I was an abused wife for 9 years, this is not abuse. This is a loving relationship wherein we each know what is expected of us and what to expect of the other. I wouldn't trade what I have with my Husband for anything. I accept that not all people have the same views, and ask simply that you all do the same. Don't judge me by your views...accept that I have my own. God Bless You All.

A reader says ... DD/HOH is "domestic discipline/head of household" ... sorry I didn't elaborate.

A reader says ... I cannot believe how many women are being belittled out there by these physically and emotionally abusive men! You women need to stand up and set the record straight. This kind of treatment is not okay! By letting them continue you are teaching them how to treat you and perhaps teaching your daughters that it okay for men to treat them this way also. A wife is an adult and deserves respect. How dare a man use physical violence to train / teach / get his message across! I am outraged! My husband wouldn't know what hit him! Get rid of these pigs!

A reader says ... Hi everyone,
Remember me? I'm the woman who first wrote the story. I really appreciate the responses from the editor and other readers and I thought I'd give an update...

Well, my husband doesn't ritually spank me like put me over the knee or anything. It is actually more of a spure or the moment thing...one or a few whacks during a fight, when I'm clearly wrong or when I'm getting out of control during the fight. The story that I wrote was the first time and since then it's happened twice more.

The second time was during a very heated discussion...we were discussing my tendency to tell people things that are personal. Basically I can't keep a secret and I've had this problem since...well since always. I had told my mother a story about my husband...a funny one but a personal and pretty embarrassing one. I told my husband that I told her and he just blew up. He started bringing up a bunch of other times that I hadn't kept a secret and surprisingly he had a lot of recent examples. I said sorry but then he said that I always say sorry and that I never improve...we argued a little more and I started yelling really loud and that's when he took my arm, turned me and smacked me on the butt really hard. It was just one swat, and then there was a pause where I caught my breath and calmed down...and then with difficulty (to avoid another smack) we finished the argument with me acting much more calmly and in the end promising to do better...there was a hint of "You'd better or you know what will happen." in the look he gave me towards the end of the argument.

The third time was just a couple of months after the second...I carelessly told my sister something that I wasn't supposed to...the situation was much like the second time. This time, there wasn't much talking. I wanted to tell my husband that I had let the information slip to my sister b/c I think it's best to be honest with him...plus I knew it'd get back to him anyway. Soooo anyway I told him quietly...and he kinda sighed and asked me why I did that? I had no answer for him really and he said he was tired of me not being able to keep anything in our marriage private...as the lecture progressed he got angrier and then he gave me three smacks on the butt. I wimpered a little but didn't cry. I felt really bad and embarrassed. The rest of the night I tried to make up for what I did and since then I really have tried to be less of a blabber mouth. I'm not perfect and never will be...but I haven't done anything to deserve a "spanking" since then.
I mean, I don't like being spanked...but it does have its advantages. The second spanking was helpful in that it made me stop and say "Whoa, I need to take it down a few notches and stop yelling"...which helped the communication process during the rest of the discussion. And the third spanking really made me think about my behavior.

I know I'm not a child and as an adult I should be able to correct myself. In most cases, when an adult does something wrong, there isn't a reason for punishment b/c really most adult mistakes create their own consequences. Like if my husband or I go over the budget, then he or I will have to cut back on something later that month...simple, right? But something like blabbing something I wasn't supposed to or nosing into someone's business...honestly...it's hard for me to feel sorry for things like that. A smack or two on the butt doesn't hurt terribly but it stings just enough to make me think. Since these three spankings, I know what kind of behavior will provoke a spanking...so I refrain from that type of behavior.

I don't mind the spankings...but I didn't really decide to start them either, so I can't recommend them to other women. But I do know that I love my husband and I trust that he knows what he's doing. We're still very happy.

Again, thank you to everyone who posted a reply.

A reader says ... DD/HOH relationships are very common and normal. The issue here however is that the change in relationship boundaries should have been discussed. My husband and I discussed DD and drew up a contract and rules, so that no discipline is ever given just becuase he "feels like it". Discipline isn't always spanking, and is never given without warning. Our lifestyle makes me feel safe and secure in our relationship, and was, in fact, my idea. While it's not for everyone...DD and HOH isn't abnormal and can be the basis for a loving secure marriage...so don't knock what you aren't willing to explore.

Editors Note: What does DD and HOH mean? Thanks

A reader says ... I would like to respectfully disagree with the comment from the editor. I believe it is much more "normal" than might be thought from that comment to find husbands who spank their wives. There are many, many couples out there who consider it normal, healthy and someitmes even necessary behavior. However, it should be something that it agreed to by both parties, before it becomes a regular part of their married life. Often women do feel more secure knowing their husbands will enforce boundaries and limits. This is not an act of anger or aggression on the husband's part, but rather an act of love, stemming from a desire to curtail destructive behavior before it cause irrepairable damage to the marrriage or other family relationships. In this case, I think the wife needed somehting to remind her to keep her nose out of other's people's business, a biblical principal we often overlook, especially when family is involved. If she really really hated it, she shoudl ask her husband to never do it again, but perhaps she would do well to reconsider her stand on it. It might help her to become a better person by causing her to think before acting, and though ideally, decisions in a marriage should be made 50/50, at times there is a stand-off, and someone must be the head of the household. I vote for the husband!

A reader says ... I think he is treating you like his child by spanking you. There should be a different way that you could have solved that problem. He should never have spanked you and you shouldn't have let him do that. But don't end your marriage over it!

A reader says ... my husband gives me a good spanking so that it hurt and stings when i am naughty or have done something to deserve it

A reader says ... Are you people serious? This all sounds really sick and twisted to me. Spanking is showing the other person that you're superior to them. Like training a dog not to pee in the house. Husband and wife should treat one another as equals. If you have doubts over whether or not this is normal, maybe both of you should seek counseling!

A reader says ... Getting a spanking is true intimacy. Spanking should never be done in anger however. My husband spanks me with love and I feel completely and utterly safe with him. He would never humiliate me. I got a spanking last night and I am so in love with him. I will admit though... I can't wait for my next one.

A reader says ... I don't believe God meant for husbands and wives to be physically abusive. I also feel striking your spouse is very disrespectful. If the children witness it, then they think it is okay to "hit," and begin to do so. Perhaps instead of a big argument, take a time out to cool down and then discuss the issue. Once it is resolved, forget it and forgive, just like God does. It may also help if you pray about any sort of situation that you plan to give input on. God will give you the answer as to whether or not you should advise the person/persons who are involved. Just remember: PUSH...Pray Until Something Happens. If your husband refuses to sit down and discuss your problems, write him a letter, but pray before you put pen to paper, making sure you aren't condemning or insulting towards him. God Bless your family.

A reader says ... this young lady should realise she has been naughty by not doing as she was told and accept the spanking and learn from it if she doesn't like being spanked then she should be good

A reader says ... I think that women who want to be in marriages with real men should submit if the men wish to spank them at times. It really confuses me that we (women) say that we want men to be men, and then when we create trouble, which is really searching for boundaries/love in my opinion, we recoil from a man who moves forward to do something about it. Please communicate on this issue, but grow up -- and submit if you're interested in having a happy marriage. Be happy you have a man who cares enough to express himself in that way. Many women are looking for men like that!

A reader says ... Oh my goodnes... reading all this has me cracking up... Not to make light of this, or as a joke.. I know it's not, but, I have a 3 year old, so, these are usually issues we deal with when it comes to him, not an adult. But, I guess if this is what works for you?? Personally, if my husband ever did this (which I can guarentee, he would not) then I guess first of all I would be confused, but, I know that would make me SO mad. He would NOT have to right. Now, we play around, like smacking each other on the rear (not in a sexual way) but, just kidding around, so, it's a little different, but, if he did that while we were arguing, or he was upset with me about something, I would be heated. That, to me, is crossing boundaries. I dont EVER want him to lay a hand on me in any other than a loving way. And, to me, that is not in a loving way. It would come across as a "I'll show you" type of way. But, again, that's just me. But, I seriously doubt that I would end my marriage over this. Unless, this is something that you do not appreciate, and he knows that, and continues to do it.

A reader says ... let him alone it is his role as household boss. he should always love you, cherish you, and rub you. But it is his right when he feels you are wrong instead of creating a long debate for him t ocalmly after everyone has calmed down spank you firmly upun the buttucks and thighs.

A reader says ... i think this is funny. My husband has never spanked me, it sounds too funny to even imagine, but i think it doesn't sound that bad. Maybe it depends on the couple and the relationship they have with one another. It is said from psychologists that women often seek out a man whom is much like her father. This could have been exactly what type of response you wanted from him in a weird subconscious way. I'm not sure. I've really never heard of this before, but if i were to receive a spanking, i'd probably hate it, then like it. Hehehe.

A reader says ... We are on dodgy ground here to overide the will of our wives. It would be a nice solution if we could be sure it was right. If we are wrong and our wives mention divorce etc. we are in trouble. I know some wives say they are glad about it, not in a sexual way which is another area. If we do feel excited by it then perhaps that is a reason not to do it, not for discipline anyway, only for love.

A reader says ... My husband has spanked me when we have been fighting. I tend to really go over board when we argue and even through things. A few times I guess I pushed him him far enough and he layed me across the bed and smacked my bottom 3-4 times. It hurt but I did actually stop my rage and see I was out of control. I would never tell him that it was acceptable but I would rather he do that than our fights allow me to go so far out of control that we end up saying and doing something we would regret.

A reader says ... If her husband had told her to stop meddling in other people's business and she continued to do so, then she deserved the spanking. Since she says it didn't hurt, then it sounds to me like she needs another one that would leave her stinging for a little while so she would remember it longer. My husband spanks me when I need it and I am very grateful to him for it. He has helped to make me into a much better person than I was when we met, I like myself a lot more. Other than the spankings, we have a very good and normal marriage. We both work, share in the responsibilites and decisions in our family. More husbands should spank their wives when they need it. ............ Lilywhitebottom

A reader says ... if you didn't mind it i think it could be a good thing to share



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