Title: "Coaching Log 12/17/2006" Author: Unknown
Marital Status: Married
Your Age: 31
Age Of Your Spouse: 30
Would you like to learn how to become a Christian? I am a Christian
Is your spouse a Christian? Yes
How many times a month do you go to church? 4
How many years have you been married? 10.
Do you have children? Yes.
How many children living at home? 2.
Is your spouse unfair to you? No.
Are you unfair to your spouse? No.
Does your spouse think you are unfair to them? No.
Do you feel angry with your spouse? No
Do you feel your spouse is angry with you? Yes
What percent of your time together with your spouse is spent arguing?
Do you like being married? Yes
Do you wish you were single again? No
Do you want to stay married? Yes
Would you ever divorce your spouse? No
Would your spouse ever divorce you? Yes
MarriageRomance.com may publish all or parts of this coaching session: Yes
(Excluding names of coach and coachee)
Please describe your situation and problem:
My wife and I have been happily married for ten years. We do not spend much time arguing and we both help one another with kids, house chores, etc. We have had a great marriage and great friendship. I let myself drift from God and my belief. Gradually I began to give in to temptations that I normally never would have. She goes to bed early and I go to bed late. If I lay in bed fighting sleep I toss and turn and disturb her. I began getting out of bed and reading, eating, working in garage, or reading news on the Internet. I eventually decided to check out adult websites I have heard other people talk about. It was more about curiosity than anything to me. I only did this a few times. One night she woke up and walked in the room where I was and saw what I was doing. I realized how wrong it was for me to do that to God and to her. God has forgiven me and I have recommitted myself to Him. She on the other hand cannot be so forgiving.
She says she is not in love with me anymore and is not sure if she was ever in love with me. We have discussed many times in the past how happy and how much in love we were. I feel she is basing her decision for divorce on that one incident. I have never had an affair and have never had a desire to be with anyone else. I feel God brought us together and has blessed us very much and would not plan on us divorcing, especially over something like this. I want to seek counseling hoping she may understand her feelings before it is too late, but she refuses. I do not understand how you can go from loving someone so much to not loving them at all overnight. Any help or advice would be great and very appreciated.
Thank you for contacting MarriageRomance.com for coaching. I am not a professional counselor. I am a Christian who will try and encourage you and give you Godly advice.
I read your description of your marriage situation.
Unfortunately, your situation is typical of many Christian wives. Your wife needs to forgive you. She needs to realize that it is very normal for a man to be curious and desire to see what other women look like.
She needs to realize that most likely you were not sinning when you looked at those pictures. If you were not coveting those women, then you were not sinning any more than she sins when she admires the neighbor's bigger house or fancier car down the street.
Please do not get me wrong. I strongly discourage married men from looking at porn. Why? Because wives want husbands to save their sexual energy for them.
But looking at porn is no grounds for divorce. There is only one verse in the Bible that some Christians use to say that looking at a woman is adultery. That verse is Matthew 5:27-28 where Jesus says, You have heard that it was said, 'YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY'; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Notice Jesus begins by quoting the seventh commandment when he says, YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY. Remember, adultery is having sex with a married woman. Then Jesus goes on to say that it is adultery in the mind, to covet or lust in after a married woman.
We know Jesus is referring to coveting a married woman because he begins by referring to the seventh commandment which is clearly about a married woman. Then Jesus goes on to say that it is adultery in the mind to covet or lust after a married woman. Again, Jesus does not change his subject matter and include all women by using the word immorality or fornication but rather keeps his focus on married woman, by using the word adultery.
Another indication that Matthew 5:28 is referring to a married woman is that Jesus lived in a culture where having multiple wives was permitted and so a married man could look at unmarried women to make them his wife or concubines. King David had 300 and King Solomon had 1500 wives and concubines.
In researching Matthew 5:28 I found Bible scholars who agree that Jesus was referring to the seventh and the tenth commandments and was basically saying that it is adultery to covet your neighbors wife.
The problem is some preachers have misinterpreted Matthew 5:28 and have taught that looking at porn is adultery and that adultery is grounds for divorce. And so wives feel justified in ending their marriage when they discover their husband looks at porn.
Jesus said in Matthew 12:7, "If you had known what these words mean, 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice,' you would not have condemned the innocent."
These pastors have set married women up for divorce by teaching this false doctrine that looking at porn is adultery. They are causing these weak women to stumble, and divorce, at their most vulnerable time. Jesus never intended this verse to be justification for divorce. May God forgive these Pastors at the judgement day.
What they should be teaching is that 80 percent of Christian men struggle with looking at porn. They need to teach that men like to look at the beauty of the female body. But that wives like to think that they are the most beautiful person in the world, especially to their husband. And so wives can become jealous when their husband looks at another woman. They should teach that just because a husband looks at another woman it does not mean he thinks she is more attractive or that he loves the woman in the picture.
They need to teach that a husband and wife should save all their sexual energy for when they are with their wife together in bed. Then when in the bedroom, God gives the husband and wife freedom to do things to maintain a strong sexual relationship.
So, for example, if a wife knows her husband would like to see a picture of another woman maybe she would let him see one while in bed together. If he is turned on, this may turn her on also. The truth is though, that most men do not get turned on by looking at pictures of naked women. As you said men usually are just curios to see what other women look like.
The point is that God allows a husband and wife to use moral erotic materials in the bedroom to help them connect with each other. Just like God allows candles and romantic music, so also, God allows the couple to read together moral erotic stories like those at MarriageRomance.com. God even allows married couples to watch moral erotic videos together that contain nudity if it helps the married couple have better sex life.
Unfortunately because our Christian culture as blown the sin of porn up so big, wives tend to think their husband is a pervert and that he is not worthy of their love and affection. They misinterpret their feelings of jealousy as feelings of righteousness anger.
If your wife could ever understand the truth from the Bible, that looking at porn is not adultery and not a reason to divorce, I think she might be able to forgive you.
I hope you will ask her to read some of the articles at MarriageRomance.com. They will help her understand the truth of God's word about marriage intimacy.
I pray she will forgive you and she will begin to have feelings of love for you again. Love is a decision. Love is also a feeling. If she will obey God and love you based on a decision, God can bring the feelings a little later.
But probably the biggest problem she has is that she thinks you are a great sinner because you looked at porn. She needs to realize that you are human and God never said it was sin to look at a naked woman. Nudity was actually common in Jesus day. I have been told that slaves were sold naked in the market place and people bathed in public places.
Men and women are very different. Men have a curiosity to see naked women. I have been told that 80 percent of Christian men struggle with looking at porn. I have heard many sermons on porn, and the Pastor always includes himself among the guilty.
If Christian married couples could understand that God gives them the freedom in the bedroom to use moral erotic materials including pictures and video to meet each others needs and desires, then I believe Christian divorce rates would be cut in half and Christian men would stop being tempted to look at porn behind their wives back.
I encourage you to have patience with your wife and I hope you will let her read this and read the writings at MarriageRomance.com in the Marriage Articles, Christian Life and Prayer & Coaching categories. When your wife does forgive you I hope she will submit an Unconditional Love story about how God helped her forgive her husband who looked at porn.
Try taking melatonin for your sleeplessness. Also regular exercise can help. I pray God will heal your marriage soon!
I will be praying for you and her.