Title: "Coaching Log 4/20/2007" Author: Unknown
Marital Status: Married
Gender: Female
Your Age: 25
Age Of Your Spouse: 25
Would you like to learn how to become a Christian? I am a Christian
Is your spouse a Christian? Yes
How many times a month do you go to church? 0
How many years have you been married? 0.
Do you have children? Yes.
How many children living at home? 3.
Is your spouse unfair to you? Yes.
Are you unfair to your spouse? Yes.
Does your spouse think you are unfair to them? Yes.
Do you feel angry with your spouse? Yes
Do you feel your spouse is angry with you? Yes
What percent of your time together with your spouse is spent arguing?
30 percent
Do you like being married? Yes
Do you wish you were single again? No
Do you want to stay married? Yes
Would you ever divorce your spouse? No
Would your spouse ever divorce you? I Don't Know
MarriageRomance.com may publish all or parts of this coaching session: Yes
Please describe your situation and problem:
My husband and I were married on Aug. of last year. Prior to our marriage we had been living together for two years. We have one child together and two children from my previous marriage. Our relationship was picture perfect the first year. We never argued and we just enjoyed being around each other. During the end of our first year we began to have trust issues. I began to believe he was lying to me about his whereabouts and would always find my fears to be right. We have NEVER been unfaithful to one another- this I know and truly believe. We split up for a month about two months ago. We had a simple argument that was made larger than life by his family and my family getting involved- the argument consisted of sarcastic talking back and forth between us, no yelling or screaming. While he was gone he said he was confused, but in the end he came back. When he came back I decided to change. I told him he could come and go as he wanted and I would stop nagging, if he wants to do something he will do it without me pushing for it. I have tried, and I thought, I was doing good. I starting trying to talk to him two weeks ago about the lack of communication-we do not talk- and lack of affection. I cried which made him mad. He rolled over and went to sleep. Three nights ago I was trying to figure things out so I can make things better and he told me he loved me and he cared for me, but he was not in love with me and has not been for months. I was devastated and broke down, again making him mad causing him to just go to sleep. Ive tried to be a good wife, but I am not doing it right. I know both of our needs should be met. He has become cold and unfeeling towards me. Yet, he does not want us to end, which confuses me. I want to fight for our love. We used to be so happy, I want him to be so happy. How can someone love and care for someone and not want to leave them but not be "in love" with them?
Coaches Answer:
Thank you for contacting MarriageRomance.com for coaching.
I read your description of your marriage situation. Thanks for sharing and for your desire to help your marriage. Your writing shows you have a sincere and deep desire to make your marriage work and it shows you have a strong love for your husband.
In your write-up you asked How can someone love and care for someone and not be in love with them? While at first this may sound impossible; it actually makes sense.
What your husband is saying is that he loves you and wants things to work out. But he doesn't feel close to you he doesn't feel deeply in love with you.
This happens sometimes in marriages when there is a fight between the husband and wife.
I would recommend you read a book called His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley. In the book Dr. Harley explains a concept called the Love Bank.
Dr. Harley explains that the way each of us relates to those around us depends on how we think of them. And how we think of them is dependent on how they treat us. He simplifies this complex area of relationships with a concept he calls the love bank. He explains that every person, has a love bank account in their mind or heart for every other person they know.
Each time a person is nice to us or does something we like, we subconsciously increase their love bank balance in our mind or heart. We like being around people who we have given a high love bank balance because they have done lots of things for us or things to make us feel they like us.
On the other hand, each time someone is mean to us or argues with us or disagrees with us or does something we don't like we subconsciously reduce their love bank balance in your heart and mind. If their love bank balance gets too low we will begin to associate them with pain or with negative feelings. We subconsciously try to avoid people who we have given a low love bank balance because they have done things that we remember as painful or negative in some way.
When someone has been really nice to us and we like them a lot, they have a high love bank balance in our mind. If we argue with them or are mean to them or they do things we don't like then their love bank balance goes down. If their love bank balance in our mind or heart gets too low then we start not liking to be around them because we associate pain with them being around.
For example when you met your husband he was handsome and he was nice to you and he took you on dates and smiled at you and complimented you and you began to really like him. His love bank account in your mind or heart started to go up. When he proposed to marry you his love bank account was so high that you thought you would be happy spending the rest of your life with him and so you said Yes.
The same thing happened to him. Your love bank account balance in your husband's mind and heart was so high that he asked you to marry him.
Then at some point after you married or while you were living together you all began arguing and your love bank balance in his mind and heart began to go down. And his love bank account balance in your mind or heart began to go down too.
At some point your love bank balance in your husband's mind or heart got so low, that he fell out of love with you - so to speak - because he began to associate being around you with pain or negative feelings instead of happiness.
But at the same time he still knew in his mind and heart that he loves you and that he is committed to you and that he would not leave you and that he wants to make things work out.
See one way to look at love is as an act of the will, a commitment, a decision. You and your husband decided to marry and stay married all your life. This is one way the word love can be used.
But then there is another way that the word love can be used. It is how you feel. Most married couples don't really say things like Today I really feel in love with you, or Today I don't feel very in love with you. And yet it is true that some days we feel closer to our mate than other days. But since the word love can mean both a commitment and also a feeling, we don't say negative things about our feelings of love because those negative remarks can be interpreted as saying we are not committed to loving our spouse and so the words are damaging and hurt our mate.
But sometimes in a marriage when there have been rough times with arguments, one spouse may not really feel in love and they may even say they don't feel in love. They may say they don't feel in love even though they love their spouse in the sense of being committed to their spouse and to the marriage.
But the feeling of love is not the most important part of a marriage. The love commitment is the most important part of the marriage.
And all that is needed to help a married husband who is committed to loving his wife, to the point of feeling in love with his wife, is more love bank points.
The wife needs to increase her love bank balance in your husbands mind and heart. She needs to do positive things that he likes so that he will again associate being around her with happiness and fun instead of associating her with arguments and pain.
If you read the book His Needs, Her Needs Dr. Harley does a much better job of explaining all this than I have. You can also go to his web site at MarriageBuilders.com and find out more about his Love Bank concept.
I pray God will give you wisdom in dealing with your husband so that he will really feel in love with you again and soon. But please don't feel like it is the end of the world if he doesn't feel in love at the moment. Many married couples don't feel in love with their spouse, but they usually don't tell their spouse this.
The key is to give your husband unconditional love which in the Love Bank lingo would be for you to do lots of fun and loving things and positive things with your husband to increase your love bank account in his mind or heart.
It sounds to me that you have already made the changes and that your husband's feelings are simply how he felt in the past and now that you have changed you already are doing the right things to increase your love bank balance in your husbands heart and mind.
God Bless you and I pray you both with walk close to God and pray together and go to church together, because you know the old saying, Those that pray together, stay together.