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Should Married Couples Use Erotic Videos?

Should Married Couples Use Erotic Videos? - Date Written: 2/1/2008

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Title: "Should Married Couples Use Erotic Videos?"  Author: Unknown

My wife and I are very dedicated Christians working on the front lines of building God's Kingdom and supporting others who do. We have used erotic videos, off and on, in our marriage since we were in our twenties. I would like to address three scare tactics that some Christians use to discourage Christian married couples from using moral erotic videos in their marriage.

The first argument some use is that since the actors and actresses in the videos are young, the married person watching will eventually not be able to become aroused by their older spouse. This is simply not true. We still become aroused by each other just as much as before we ever used erotic videos. The truth is that married couples do have a difficult time becoming aroused after the honeymoon period. This is why Dr. Gary Smalley recented told Dr. Dobson on national radio, that the sex lives of Christian married couples are "frozen" while the rest of their lives are doing fine. In my opinion, the reason their sex lives are frozen is because it is hard to become aroused after being married for years and most Christians, because of being taught legalism and mistruths, do not feel the freedom in Christ to reach out to erotic materials for help in becoming aroused.

And the only reason married couples seek help in the area of arousal is for "spice", because they are not able to become as easily aroused as on their wedding night. This is the reason why ED drugs are so popular also. Watching erotic material does not cause the problem, it helps solve the problem.

We are in our mid-fifties and we don't use Viagra and we rarely use erotic videos but when we do, we experience greatly elevated levels of arousal.

But it is simply not true to say that watching erotic videos causes a couple to not be able to be turned on by each other. It is a scare tactic to defend a theological position.

I believe the opposite is true. I believe that when a married couple has the freedom to watch erotic videos, that this increases their love for their spouse and their ability to think and practice free ideas and ways to turn each other on.

And we all know that the longer a husband and wife waits between having sex, the more aroused they will become when they do have sex. So it really doesn't matter whether the couple watched erotic videoes in the past, what matters is their present state of mind. If they are both full of love and feel really close to each other and in total harmony with each other, you and I both know, they will experience great sex.

The second mistruth is that watching erotic videos will destroy your self-esteem. This is simply not true. The opposite is closer to the truth. Speaking from a husband's point of view, my desire is to please my wife. If I can please my wife by allowing her to watch with me a video which includes other men who are better looking or more endowed than I am, I know this pleases her and makes her a happier person. This increases my self-esteem because I am secure in her love and with the videos I am able to provide for her the best of both worlds.

God does this with us, doesn't he? God may bless a girl by giving her a wonderful husband. This pleases God when he gives a girl a wonderful husband. God doesn't have to marry the girl himself in order to be pleased. The reason is that God is not jealous. God can bless someone by allowing them to enjoy someone without having to always be that someone. A husband who is not jealous will allow his wife to see other men and it will increase his self-esteem because his self-esteem is tied to pleasing his wife and showing her love. God wants our self-esteem to be tied to love, not jealousy.

The third mistruth is that some Christians misinterpret Matthew 5:27-28 to say that if you become sexually aroused by someone who is not your spouse, you are committing adultery. This is simply not true and a lie of the devil. The Bible says the devil is the accuser of the brethren and this is a good example.

Sexual arousal is an emotion. God does not condemn people for having emotions. God condemns people for acts of the will. People cannot control when they become sexually aroused. That is why they try and use erotic materials in their marriage; to help them become aroused. And in the marriage bed, God wants the married couple to be sexually aroused.

In Matthew 5 verses 27 to 28 Jesus said it was adultery to covet to have sex with a married woman. Any fair Bible scholar will admit that this should be the correct interpretation because it is clear that Jesus was talking about a married woman and adultery and about coveting. And so Jesus was not referring to sexual arousal, but rather Jesus was referring to someone who consciously was in their mind, was earnestly wanting and coveting to have sex with another woman (married woman).

When a husband and wife watch an erotic video together, they are not earnestly coveting to have sex with the pictures in the video. That is simply not true. They are wanting to have sex with each other and simply are wanting to get help becoming aroused.

It just so happens that when humans watch a movie or read a story, they tend to take on, or experience the emotions in the story or video. So if the story has danger, they experience a rise in their emotion of fear. If the story has sexual activity, they experience an increase in sexual desire. This increase in sexual desire is what helps the married couple to become aroused and better enjoy sex with each other.

While most Christian married sex lives have been reported by Dr. Gary Smalley as "frozen", our sex life is vibrant, healthy and exciting. And the only difference is that we studied the Bible on our own and have found that God really wants married couples to have the freedom to do what best helps them in their life so that they can be better servants for Christ. God doesn't want us to be slaves to anything or to be "frozen" by traditions and legalism. Christ died to set us free from the law and from bondage to the law and to traditions and legalism. It is only through freedom in Christ that couples can get beyond legalism and begin living a purpose driven life.

And we shouldn't judge others for things God does not judge them for. Paul in Romans 2 1-4 says, 1 You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. 2 Now we know that God's judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. 3 So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment? 4 Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?

And there is a special punishment of wrath for those who judge others. Paul in Romans 2 verse 5, referring to those who judge others, says, But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God's wrath, when his righteous judgment will be revealed.

Paul introduces Romans by referring to the "obedience that comes from faith". But Christians who do not understand this continue to fall into the trap of the Old Testament law. Paul says in Romans 10:3-5 that "they did not know the righteousness that comes fronm God and [so] they sought to establish their own, [and in so doing] they did not submit to God's righeousness."

Paul in Romans 7:4 says, "So, my brothers, you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to another, to him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit to God."

The law we live by is the "law of Christ" which is to love God with all our heart and our neighbor as ourselves.

I am confident that erotic videos will not work for many Christian married couples. But the reason they will not work is simply because the husband and wife are not in agreement to use them or there is jealousy or one of the two in the marriage really is looking for ways out of the marriage. And in the last case where someone wants out of the marriage, using erotic materials in the marriage may very well save the marriage (because the spouse will mature with time and love grows over time) or at least prolong their leaving the marriage or cheating on their spouse.

But most of the time, either the husband or the wife will think using erotic materials in the marriage is wrong, which will cause arguments if the couple tries to use them. It takes educating the legalistic spouse to the point where they stop feeling guilty, before the erotic materials can help the marriage.

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Comment by: Old Site Date: 2/9/2013 7:49:36 PM
A reader says ... My wife and I have found some erotic videos on the internet. We really don't watch more than about 2 or 3 minutes as the videos quickly turn us on. So the videos serve as a free natural way to help us enjoy each other as if we were on our honeymoon! Like everything else, remember - everything in moderation! Limit the use to once a week or once every two weeks or once a month or once a year. The frequency you and your spouse decide on should depend on lots of things ... your age ... how easy you get turned on without help ... whether one of you has a temptation to look at porn, etc. For example if your spouse has a temptation to look at porn, then use them also as an incentive to help him not look. Maybe once a week would help him have more control. And then get started serving God and reading the bible. Or listening to the Bible. Get the NIV on audio and listen to the New Testament. Listen to a book each day. Listening to the Bible will change your life.

God's grace is so amazing. God forgives people for their sins, just because they have faith and believe God. What a sweet deal for us. And as you listen to the Bible you will find that God doesn't really expect that much of us. Paul says it this way in Romans 13:9, "The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Get started living for God and telling others the good news about how God forgives us for our sins, just because we have faith and believe God and because of our faith we want to keep God's commandments. But the commandements God gives us are not the same as the ones most churches teach. God wants us to read or listen to the Bible ourselves to find out what God really says. Only then can we be free from the man-made laws that are taught in most churches. The early Bible church did not have those laws, they were made up through the centuries based on tradition. God promises to reward those who seek Him.

So get saved, get excited about living for God and start listening to a book of the New Testament each day and you will begin to live a purpose driven life. And yes, you can use the erotic resources that our society offers you to help your marriage. God never condemns married couples for using them. Just try and find the most moral ones available and use them in moderation, remembering that our goal is to build God's kingdom and love others and as Paul said, "All things are permissible, but not all things are profitable, and I will be mastered by nothing." Don't let anything master you except your love for God and others.

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