Title: "What do I do? She's never in the mood for sex?" Author: Unknown
PROBLEM: She never is in the mood to make love, wants to make love as little as possible.
For some reason, we've developed the idea in our society that we can only make love when both people are in the mood. However, we constantly do many things in life without being in the mood. If we love one another within the marriage relationship, that means that we are constantly desiring to bless the other person and demonstrate our love towards them.
Although this problem is very common, most who have it don't see it as a problem. They feel that they are fine, and the problem is their husband's. However, knowing as we do God's purpose for sexual intimacy, it is obvious that this is not only a problem, but a very grave one.
POSSIBLE ROOT CAUSES:
She doesn't understand her own sexual need.
She doesn't reach orgasm (see also problem under this title), so feels frustrated and confused
Wrong mental attitude (negativity towards thinking about sex)
She was sexually abused in her past.
HOW TO ADVISE:
She needs to accept her femininity and sexuality; God gave it to her.
If she has been sexually abused, minitery liberty and emotional healing (please note: lack of memories is not a proof that she hasn't been sexually abused).
He needs to understand the emotional process of his wife's frustration, and how to alleviate it. A sexually frustrated wife will respond with disinterest, fatigue, withdrawal, or refusal. This is true even when she is yearning for sexual closeness.
His ravishing of her, and time in foreplay greatly affect her ability to receive an orgasm. If a man is not willing to take the time she needs in foreplay, or if the initial caresses are not building passion, she will emotionally shut down, instead of trying. For her (physically and emotionally), it is better to not start a session than to have it not go right; leaving her angry and hurt.
Typically a No, or I'm not in the mood from a wife should not be accepted at face value. This only means that she's not aroused right at the moment. Most women fantasize about how wonderful it would be if their husbands were to ravish and overwhelm them passionately, like the cover of a romance novel. They interpret this type of seduction as being loved.
It would be better if she were to say: I'm open to being persuaded; convince me. This is understood by most men as a challenge. This gives him the open door to do something new and spontaneous. Surprise her. Be passionate.
She needs to know that if she responds sexually to him enthusiastically and doesn't make excuses to avoid lovemaking, her husband will not withdraw from her physically or emotionally. Song of Solomon 5:2-8
WHAT TO TEACH:
Marriage is a covenant. Sexual intimacy is a covenant act. That means she needs to bless and minister to her husband, and focus on meeting his needs
A woman's sexual needs and how to recognize them
Benefits for her, including spiritual covering
Men's need for sexual releae
Sexual fullfillment and orgasms
Pre-foreplay and her emotional state
What happens when she doesn't fully climax and how this negatively affects her attitude towards sex
Everything in the section of this manual titled Counseling needs for every marriage
(SoS 5:10,16) My beloved is...This is my beloved, and this is my friend...
(1 Cor 7:33-34) But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife... but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.
(SoS 5:1) O friends; drink, yea, drink abundantly, O beloved. God declares a marital blessing upon their lovemaking, and encourages them to enjoy one another sexually. (this blessing is conditional upon ministering to one another sexually)
(Pr 5: 18-19) Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.
(Phil 2: 13) For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.
(ROM 12:2) And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
(Rom 14:12-13) So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God. Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way.
Isa:59:2: But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid his face from you, that he will not hear.
(Rev 3:15-16) I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot. So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth
(Eph 4:22-33) Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife... Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing...
(Jn 10:10) The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.
STEAL your joy (by fear and worry), your strength, your sexual intimacy ...other blessings
KILL your love for God and for your husband, your emotions by anestitizing them...by traditions, by anti-biblical customs, by negativity, by not forgiving those who have offended you, by bitterness...
DESTROY your marriage covenant, your passion for God and for your husband, your home
HOW TO PRAY:
Renewing of her mind especially in the sexual area.
Emotional healing from past hurts.
For her to become closer to her husband And the Lord make you to increase and abound in love one toward another... To the end he may stablish your hearts unblameable in holiness before God... (1 Thes 3:12-13)
For her to desire and appreciate sexual intimacy
Take the first step to minister to her husband sexually by faith and in obedience. Pray before sexual relations - AGCS p. 145; SFFW pp. 56-57
To repent to her husband for rejecting his love and advances, denying him sex, and despising God's gift of lovemaking.
Get together with her husband and write out a list of the excuses she commonly uses. As a symbolic gesture of repentence, burn this list of excuses
Talk to husband about how to stimulate her, and spend more time in foreplay.
Talk to husband about ministering to his wife's emotional needs.
Give her handout on Scriptures for Emotional Healing.