Title: "May Couples Use Moral Erotic Sex Aides To Help Their Marriage? " Author: Unknown
Yes they may.
As an example, lets discuss the erotic stories posted on this web site.
Humans tend to take-on and experience the emotions of those around them.
Sharing joys and sorrows causes an empathetic response in a caring person.
And this response is blessed by God.
Paul says in Romans 12:15, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."
Here at MarriageRomance.com couples share their joys and their struggles and find comfort in the encouraging comments of other couples and discussions with other couples.
Sex is a gift from God, given to married couples for the purpose of having children and for pleasure. Paul teaches that a husband and wife should have sex regularly. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7 verse 5, "Do not deprive each other (of sex) except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
So God wants married couples to have (and we can assume enjoy) sex regularly to help them avoid temptation and to help them have strong marriage bonds.
Just like the words of a love song can bring on emotions of love and loyalty, and a story with danger can cause fear, and a story with joy can cause feelings of happiness, so also stories with romance and sexual activity can cause sexual arousal.
Is it sin for a husband and wife to read an erotic story about some other couple's sex life and become sexually aroused? Sexual arousal is an emotion. Emotions are not sin. If a husband and wife are together, wanting to have sex; wanting to become sexually aroused - of course it would be best if they can turn each other on.
But what if, because of a bad day, or an argument, or because they are older, or they need spice in their marriage - what if they desire help turning each other on? Whether they take a pill to get turned on, read a moral erotic story, listen to romantic music, watch a movie, go out to dinner, go to a motel, go on a weekend getaway, light candles, wear sexy lingerie, use sex toys - these are all sex aides designed to help the couple get turned on for each other. They all serve the purpose of helping the married couple get turned on so the couple can fulfill the Biblical admonition to enjoy sex regularly.
So is it ok to get turned on for your spouse by reading about another married couple having sex? Yes.
The Bible actually has a story where friends watched and listened and apparently became sexually aroused while they watched another couple have sex. In the book of Song Of Solomon Chapter 1 verse 4, King Solomon's unmarried female lover says, "Take me away with you - let us hurry! Let the King bring me into his chambers." And and then the Kings friends who are watching the King and his lover say, "We rejoice and delight in you ; we will praise your love more than wine." And King Solomon responds, "How right they are to adore you!" Here it appears the friends of King Solomon enjoyed watching him and his lover make love.
As Christians the only way we are going to change the world and build Christ's kingdom is to be honest about what the Bible says. An honest reading of Song Of Songs reveals King Solomon who was most likely married to other women at the time (Song Of Songs 1:3b says, "No wonder the maidens love you!" ... Solomon had 1500 wives and concubines), is indeed not married to his current female lover while they have sex in Chapters 1 to 4. The King and his lover get married in Chapter 4 and yet describe their sexual relations in Chapters 1 to 4.
The book continues with the King and his lover talking about their romance and love, while the friends enjoy watching and listening. For example in Song of Solomon 5 verse 1 the King says, "I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk." And the friends who are still watching and listening say, "Eat, O friends, and drink; drink your fill, O lovers." This appears to be a session of oral sex which the friends are watching.
If Song Of Solomon does indeed portray semi-private sex, this isn't the only time this happened in the Bible. When God punished King David for committing adultery and murder, he caused David's son Absalom to have sex with King David's wives and concubines in public. In 2 Samuel 12 verse 11b, God said, "Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will lie with your wives in broad daylight." Later we discover Absalom has sex with his father's wives and concubines in public.
This is not really so surprising considering the polygamous culture and the observation that nudity seems to have been common during Bible times.
Never in the Bible does it condemn anyone for being naked except when making a sacrifice and in the case of an adulterous nation (Lamentations 1:8, Isaiah 57:8,Ezekiel 23:18). God said in Exodus 20:25-26, "If you make an altar of stones for me, do not build it with dressed stones, for you will defile it if you use a tool on it. And do not go up to my altar on steps, lest your nakedness be exposed on it.'" Altars were special places where you couldn't even use a tool to make it and you couldn't have steps that led up to it because people down below would see your nakedness. This implies that people wore clothes that exposed their nakedness if they went up stairs.
In Bible culture nudity seems to be have been common and seems to usually have been an embarrassment. We know many times the poor could not afford clothes (Matthew 25:34-36) and we know from history slaves were sold naked in the market place, as slaves were considered property (Exodus 21:20-22).
If the poor could not afford clothes, it makes sense that being naked was an embarrassment. Nudity was a sign of poverty.
Another situation where we see nudity in the Bible was when David could see women bathing (Bathsheba) from the roof of his palace. Other situations in the Bible where nudity occurred are Mark 14:51-53, Acts 19:16, 2 Corinthians 11:27, Nahum 3:5, John 21:7, Exodus 22:26, Exodus 20:26. Also from history we have been told the Romans had public bath areas where nudity may have been common.
Another situation that speaks about nudity as an embarrassment was when God repeatedly threatened to expose the nation of Israel's nakedness (Deuteronomy 28:48, Isaiah 47:3, Ezekiel 16:36, Ezekiel 16:36, Micah 1:11) As an example God said in Nahum 3:5, "I am against you," declares the LORD Almighty. "I will lift your skirts over your face. I will show the nations your nakedness and the kingdoms your shame."
In the New Testament, Paul teaches nudity is normally an embarrassment. In 1 Corinthians 12 verse 23 Paul says, "and those members of the body which we deem less honorable, on these we bestow more abundant honor, and our less presentable members become much more presentable, ..." (NASB) Paul says we bestow more abundant honor on our less presentable members (our genitals or private parts) by dressing them up - by covering them, and this ends up making them "much more presentable". Most of us would be embarrassed to be seen by our friends naked. As Paul said, covering our "less presentable members", does make them more presentable or attractive. However some people do have beautiful bodies and are not embarrassed to let others see them. And we know from Song Of Solomon, that in special situations, it can be exciting to see them, possibly because they are sharing something special that normally would be embarrassing.
We know from history, there were erotic dancers in Bible times. We know Queen Esther became queen because the previous queen would not "display her beauty" to the drunken guests of the King. Esther 1:10-12 reads, "On the seventh day, when King Xerxes was in high spirits from wine, he commanded the seven eunuchs who served himMehuman, Biztha, Harbona, Bigtha, Abagtha, Zethar and Carcas- to bring before him Queen Vashti, wearing her royal crown, in order to display her beauty to the people and nobles, for she was lovely to look at." Possibly this "display" included erotic dancing or nudity and so that is why Queen Vashti refused.
Possibly the most surprising discovery one learns from studying the passages on sexual issues and nudity in the Bible, is that God never did give a dress code or condemn people who did not wear clothes.
But isn't voyeurism sinful? Yes. Voyeurism is when a person secretly observes and derives pleasure or exploits someone else's nudity without their consent. The Biblical basis to condemn voyeurism is, Habakkuk 2:15 where God says, "Woe to him who gives drink to his neighbors, pouring it from the wineskin till they are drunk, so that he can gaze on their naked bodies. This verse teaches that it is wrong to exploit someone's nakedness without their consent.
Is it also wrong to publicly humiliate or embarrass someone who is seen naked? Yes. In Genesis 9:21-23 Noah gets drunk and then his son Ham comes into Noah's tent and sees him naked and then goes and tells his brothers. The assumption here is that Ham made fun of his dad Noah. Noah curses Ham for not respecting him while he was drunk and naked. This passage teaches us that it is wrong to belittle or publicly humiliate or embarrass people who are in a shameful state, even if they caused their own shameful situation. The Christian response to discovering someone caught naked or in a crime is not to embarrass them publicly but instead to protect their dignity and allow them to gracefully return to society. This approach is explained in Galatians 6 verse 1 where Paul says, "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted." It must make God sad that our society takes the opposite view and publicly humiliates non-violent sex offenders decades after they committed a crime such as public indecency (such as King David did like dancing in the street naked).
While we know it is wrong to derive sexual pleasure from other people without their permission, we also know that in Song of Solomon it was fine for the friends to be watching the King and his wife make love as the friends said they were loving it more than wine. The difference is the King gave his friends permission to watch him and his wife.
Couples who contribute stories about their sex life, assume other couples may derive sexual pleasure from reading them. So couples who contribute stories implicitly give others permission to be turned on by reading them.
Is reading a story or watching another couple have sex, as in Song of Solomon, considered an orgy? No. Paul in Romans 13:13 says, "Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy." Most likely Paul was referring to a form of pagan god worship. Dictionary.com gives a definition of orgy that most likely describes Paul's use of the word. The Dictionary.com definition is, "3. orgies, (in ancient Greece) esoteric religious rituals, esp. in the worship of Demeter or Dionysus, characterized in later times by wild dancing, singing, and drinking." Today in our culture, orgy is used to describe a party where everyone has sex with everyone else. The biblical basis for condemning today's orgies is Leviticus 18 verse 20 where God says, " 'Do not have sexual relations with your neighbor's wife and defile yourself with her."
What about lust? Didn't Jesus say it is adultery to lust after a woman? Yes Jesus did. Jesus clearly was referring to a man who consciously and willfully wants to have sex with a woman. Jesus said in Matthew 5 verses 27 to 28, Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her (for sex) hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. Jesus first quotes the 7th commandment which condemns committing physical adultery. But then Jesus goes on to reference the 10th commandment from Exodus 20 verse 17 where God says, "You shall not covet your neighbor's house. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."
Apparently, in Jesus day, the religious leaders considered "coveting" or "lusting" a sin. But they didn't consider it a sin as bad as "adultery". Jesus points out that coveting to have sex with a married woman is just as bad as adultery.
Lusting and coveting are synonyms. Lusting and coveting are an act of the will. The reason we have two words used in the Bible to describe the same sin, is that "covet" in the Old Testament, comes from the Hebrew word "chamad" and "lust" in the New Testament comes from the Greek word "epithumeo". They both mean the same thing which is, to covet things forbidden, to desire earnestly; to have a longing desire for.
How do you know if you are lusting? The test for lusting is the same as for coveting. And the test for coveting a woman is the same as the test for coveting anything your neighbor has - their house, their servants, their car, their donkey, etc. Lusting or coveting is when you want something, that is not yours, so bad that it interferes with your relationship with God and with others.
Sexual arousal is an emotion. When the friends in Song of Solomon watch the King and his wife have sex, they enjoyed it and most likely became sexually aroused - which is an emotion. The friends did not lust or covet to have sex with the King's wife. God does not condemn emotions.
When a husband and wife read an erotic story together to add spice to their love life, they are not lusting or coveting to have sex with the people in the story.
What about addiction? Isn't it addictive to use erotic stories and videos as a way to enhance your love life? If moral erotic resources help your marriage, of course you will use them more than once. But just because you use them repeatedly, because they help your marriage, doesn't mean you are addicted to them. It simply means they work - they are beneficial.
Christian married couples have been using the moral erotic resources here at MarriageRomance.com since 2002 and none have ever complained of being addicted. My wife and I use them to help our marriage. They don't control us. Those who disagree with God's truth about moral erotic resources use this idea of "addiction" to try and instill fear in people. The truth is, that food can be addictive too, but no one is advocating that everyone stop eating.
Paul said, in 1 Corinthians 6:12, "Everything is permissible for me"but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"but I will not be mastered by anything." So the truth is that a mature Christian couple will try the moral erotic resources and see if they are helpful in their marriage. If they help their marriage they will not get addicted to them anymore than they get addicted to food, because mature Christian couples live to build God's Kingdom and they don't let anything master them. Moderation in everything, is always a good idea.
But doesn't it ruin the self-esteem of you or your spouse if you read a story or watch a video of another couple who are nicer to their spouse, or better looking, or richer?
To answer this question it would be good to read what love is. 1 Corinthians 13 verses 4 to 7 say, 4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
A couple should only read erotic stories and watch erotic videos if they both think it might help their marriage. If the marriage relationship is so fragile that reading about another couple or seeing another couple will cause jealousy; then the couple should recognize that jealousy is an emotion which indicates the jealous spouse does not feel secure in the love of the more confident spouse. And so the more confident spouse should reach out and comfort the jealous spouse and reassure him or her of their love and loyalty.
One way to compensate for jealousy is to let the jealous spouse pick the stories to read or the videos to watch. They will pick ones they feel comfortable with. Another idea is to pick stories or videos that glamorize the opposite gender of the jealous spouse. For example if the wife is jealous, then pick a story or video where the husband is the hero in the story or video.
We can see in 1 Corinthians 13 that love is not jealous and so hopefully with time the jealous spouse will be able to feel secure in the love of their mate and not become jealous when they read a story or watch a video together that contains someone better looking than they are, or nicer, or richer, or whatever.
In real life, a jealous spouse may display their jealousy after social events, after their spouse interacts with attractive or affluent members of the opposite sex. A jealous spouse may not trust their spouse. Taking the jealousy out of real life situations and learning how to deal with it in the bedroom can save the couple many hours of arguments and maybe even save them from divorce. So using erotic stories and videos for spice and arousal in a marriage can be a self-help tool to help couples recognize and overcome jealousy.
Jealousy happens when a person does not feel loved by their spouse or they do not feel secure in the love of their spouse. They may feel their spouse might leave them or might be wishing they could have an affair.
A jealous spouse may verbally attack you and accuse you of flirting or looking at members of the opposite sex. Here are some ideas on how to help a jealous spouse overcome their feelings of insecurity: Don't get upset, defensive and angry with your spouse when they are acting jealous. Instead recognize that their feelings of jealousy are a result of their feeling that you don't love them.
Tell your spouse how you can see how they feel the way they feel. Explain how you could feel that way too if you had been in a reversed roles situation. Explain that next time you want to do better to include your spouse in the conversation or activity so that they know you are proud of them and love them. Ask your spouse to forgive you for not noticing how they were feeling and reaching out to them to make them feel loved.
Reassure your jealous spouse that you love them and you will always be loyal and devoted to them, that you will never leave them and you are so happy and thankful and blessed that they picked you to marry.
Try and get your spouse to accept your apology and say they forgive you.
Try and end up hugging and kissing each other and holding each other for several moments.
We all can't be the most beautiful people in the world or the richest people in world or the most charming dynamic people in the world. So if we are the jealous type (and I am), we will tend to feel threatened by those who are better looking, richer or more charming.
But God wants us to be content with what we have. God wants us to admit that there are better looking people in the world. Philippians 2 verse 3 teaches we shouldn't think we are better than other people. So even if we are the best looking person in the world, God says we shouldn't think we are.
Once we are not prideful about our looks or our position in life, then we can begin to be thankful to God for the spouse God has given us and we won't be jealous and feel threatened if our spouse sees someone who is better looking, or more affluent, or more charming, than we are.
What is sufficient for us, is that our spouse loves us and will always be loyal and devoted to us and that we love our spouse and will always be loyal and devoted to our spouse. Once a spouse feels secure in the love of their mate, then the couple can actually be blessed by reading about or seeing other couples who may seem more blessed than they are.
For example, I don't have the biggest muscles in the world, so allowing my wife to see another couple where the husband has bigger muscles, is a blessing to me, because it allows me to let my wife experience something she wouldn't otherwise be able to experience. I Corinthians 13 verse 5b says "Love does not seek it's own", and so because I love my wife it becomes a blessing to me to allow her to experience something she wouldn't otherwise be able to experience. As long as I feel secure in my wife's love, I can do that without having feelings of jealousy and insecurity.